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I met a sad old lady

posted 2 years ago by MaximRecoil (4192)
16 replies | jump to latest

I was driving around town yesterday and happened to drive past the house where my childhood friend Tom's father and grandparents lived when we were kids in the '80s. Tom lived out of town but he usually stayed there on the weekends, and I went there a lot to watch movies or TV (they had a VCR and cable TV, both of which were still sort of luxuries at the time) or just hang out.

As I drove by I noticed that Jeff, Tom's younger brother, was sitting in the yard along with two old ladies. I hadn't seen him since about 1992. He hollered to me so I stopped. He had some old vehicles in his yard, including a 1965 Ford Fairlane and a 1978 Ford F150 4WD; he definitely took after Tom in that regard. When we were kids, Tom and I mostly talked about cars (and girls).

So we got to talking about his old vehicles and his plans for them, and my old car, and out of the blue, one of the old ladies asked me if I knew Scott _____. I said, "Yeah, he was working at the Chrysler dealership last I knew; he did a frontend alignment on my car several years ago."

Her face lit up and she said, "I'm his mother!" and she started asking me questions about him, such as how he was doing, if he still worked at the dealership, and so on. I couldn't answer any of her questions because I barely know him.

Then she said, "You've seen him more than I have. He won't have anything to do with me. Next time you see my boy tell him you saw his mother and that I miss him."

I've never understood what could possibly go so wrong between a parent and child that they become estranged (outside of one of them committing some major violent crime such as murder or rape).

[–] MartyDeniro (4082) 2 years ago

There may never have been enough right with the relationship to begin with. How 'bout if the parent was abusive? What if addiction was involved? What if the parent left the kid at some point? There are plenty of ugly situations that fall short of murder or rape.

[–] ShogunofYonkers (72942) 2 years ago

Rape and murder are pretty extreme, but some parents just mess up the job by being incompetent Guardians or by carrying on with other people during the marriage…that happens a lot

Being a decent spouse and parent requires getting home from work in a timely manner and chatting with every member of the family everyday plus doing some chores…it’s all a bit of work but the alternative is very bad

[–] MartyDeniro (4082) 2 years ago

He's lucky to not understand. I've known plenty of idiots, who just happened to become parents, but messed it all up, b/c they didn't know what they were doing (usually b/c they were just big kids themselves at the time). I've also known great parents who did everything the right way, but they just happened to have a creepy kid. The "parent-child bond" isn't bullet-proof, nor is it inoculated against extreme dysfunction. At the end of the day, they're both just human beings who can go in any direction at any time.

[–] ShogunofYonkers (72942) 2 years ago

Having good intent and a willingness to put our selfish pursuits aside to raise the babies is a fine first step

Taking the perfectly normal frustrations out on the kids and Wife physically or verbally is a scary blow horn for utter failure and will mark a guy as a shithead for the rest of his days

1/3 of the day you go out and earn $$$, 1/3 of the day you tend to the Woman and the kids you made, 1/3 of the day you sleep

Commit NO extramarital shenanigans and reserve the violent outbursts for hinky, threatening sorts that wander into the neighborhood

[–] ShogunofYonkers (72942) 2 years ago

Divorce, alcoholism or neglect can lead to some very hard feelings between parents and kids…

It’s best to respect this and just thank God that most of us got through the whole mess in one piece…Some people still maintain a fairly positive relationship with the relatives that fumbled the ball a bit 30 or 40 years ago

Those are pretty cool vehicles, if you are so inclined you should ask if he’s selling them

[–] OnanTheBarbarian (10774) 2 years ago

I think everyone seems to assume that it's always the parent who is to blame, that they were abusive. It's often 50/50, a two way street.

When I was in my 20's I stopped talking to my father completely. I literally hated him. But not for egregious abuse. I just felt he was a workaholic who cared more about his job and my straight brother than he did me.

But when I got older and he approached his twilight years, my dad and I became great friends.

I'd definitely say this guy should reach out to his mother before she dies. It's best to settle these things even if she did make mistakes. It will be a load off his psyche as well.

[–] MartyDeniro (4082) 2 years ago

Don't you need more info to make that recommendation? We're all in the dark on the specifics here, but some are acknowledging the possibility that there may be a completely understandable reason other than murder/rape. And maybe the staying away has taken a different load off his psyche, we just don't know.

[–] OnanTheBarbarian (10774) 2 years ago

I'm just giving the other perspective. I just know from my own experience, and I felt I had legitimate reasons to hate my father, that it's probably best to make amends. Parents are human and flawed just as we are. I think we expect perfection from them as kids.

[–] MartyDeniro (4082) 2 years ago

I've seen a lot of both. Kids who hate a parent for little reason, and kids who revere a parent no matter what they do, simply b/c they can't accept that Mom/Dad might be a creep. For the latter, they make excuses for the parent before the parent does. They can't let it in b/c it hurts too much.

[–] OnanTheBarbarian (10774) 2 years ago

If a parent beats a child or if there is sexual molestation, those are deal beakers.

But being a "creep"? Maybe one's dad is an arrogant asshole. Maybe one's mom was a nasty bitch. Still, those are their own demons. If the parents did care for their children and not abuse them, the child at least owes them a hello before die.

[–] AndyKing1967 (34634) 2 years ago

You missed psychological abuse.

[–] OnanTheBarbarian (10774) 2 years ago

So the parent was an asshole. It depends on the degree. I used to think my dad psychologically abused me by working all the time and being a grump when he was home. And he did. Still he put a roof over my head and they bought me everything I wanted. He wasn't perfect and neither am I.

Roots are ancestral and go back hundreds of years. We also share uncanny genealogical similarities to our parents.

"Psychological abuse" might be too vague and it can mean anything.

[–] actionkamen (23176) 2 years ago

Say something nice about her.

[–] Otter (24464) 2 years ago

I stopped having anything to do with my family of origin in my 20s, for two reasons: 1) It was my only hope of ever achieving sanity, and 2) they are horrible people. Let me put it this way, CPS is wary of investigating people who can afford lawyers now, but when I was a kid they wouldn't even go near.

That said, there's a trend among young people to cut their parents off or forbid them to see the grandchildren for the tiniest little things, such as failing to observe ridiculous dietary restrictions while providing free babysitting, and even *I* am horrified by some of them!

[–] GlenEllyn (21164) 2 years ago

Sometimes the parent has crossed a boundary with their adult child that is simply unforgivable. For example, parent doesn't agree with how their adult child is raising their own children. The grandparents may put the grandchildren in danger when they are with the grandparents. Such as "not believing in allergies" so they feed the grandchildren the banned food anyway, to prove a point. This "point" may result in serious health complications or even death.

Grandparents may live in a home with unsecured guns or other weapons. The parents don't want their young children around weapons, but grandparents think it's no big deal. Grandparents own ATVs and do not want their children riding them. They later find out that grandparents let their 6-year-old grandson drive one. That's a boundary that should never have been crossed.

[–] AndyKing1967 (34634) 2 years ago

I've never understood what could possibly go so wrong between a parent and child

And hopefully you never will.