I love my mom, but she can be such a bitch and I don’t know how to handle it

Do you know her personal history? Because nine times out of ten, it could've been that she was abused by her parents or had a rough life. I'm not saying it excuses her, but that it puts her behavior in "perspective."

My father was orphaned at a young age and abused by his half-sister. My mother was bullied by her siblings. When you learn these things about your parents, it makes you more understanding when they lash out or act difficult.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. I felt like she was never really there for me and only thought about herself. I use to dread when she would go in her bipolar rages and put me down and call me names. I know she had a tough life but now i feel my life is affected by the way i was treated,she is no longer here but i still haven't been able to forgive her.

I have a solution for your problem :). Fall in love with and marry somebody with a sweet, loving, caring mom, and adopt her as your mom. You can forget your biological mother ever existed after that :D.

Geez, she sounds like the mom from Boogie Nights. I'm sorry dude.

My mom is nothing but positive and supportive. Dad on the other hand...

You need to learn the art of the snappy comeback. Write them down when you think of them until you have a sufficient number to cover most of her rants and then proceed to use them.

Here's one I used on my mother when she was alive as an example. This was on the occasion of me telling her I'd been diagnosed with a genetic disorder.

Mother - I always thought there was something wrong with you.

Me - It's funny you should say that...

Note that there will be payback but it's worth it.

As further background I finally figured out that my mother always resented me for being some way off perfect because it reflected back on her. She was a vain woman and my existence was a continual slap in the face to her vanity. How could a woman of her quality have produced such an inferior specimen as me ? Of course the idea never occurred to her as to who I inherited the genetic disorder from.

You do not need to love your mother like that.

You don't owe her anything and if she's abusing you, you don't need to take it.

However, if you want to then you must adapt to it. In psych they call this "reframing" and it means looking at something in a new way.

What makes you angry is that you believe your mom can control herself or should be able to. Clearly, anyone doing anything cannot control themselves, that's why they're doing it. They cannot think any other way than they do at the time of their actions.

So, a good way to look at your mom and "reframe" her actions is to look at her as unenlightened, crazy, stupid, petty, immature, unhealthy, a person in need of help, limited, and so forth. This creates a new understanding of your mom.

So, imagine you are talking to a friend, a stranger, a retarded person, and they call you a "motherfucker" in a very serious and threatening tone. If it's your friend what would you think? It would be very shocking and serious. A stranger might be scary but you could play it off that he's crazy. A retarded person might be funny because you know he doesn't know what he's talking about. Same word, but three different ways of viewing it.

So, turn your mom into a retard, and just pity her reactions.

Limit time talking to her.

“... violently angry...” ? It sounds like you give it to her also. As soon as the phone call starts to get “nasty” keep your cool and end the call! “Hate to hang up, but nature is calling. Talk to you later...love ya! Bye” The hostility only lasts as long as you two are feeding it. Don’t let yourself become angry and “in a shitty mood”. You know what she’s like and she ain’t gonna change! And from the sound of it you aren’t either.

To all of us: We are what our parents made us; our children are what we made them. My daughter has not spoke to me in 14 years. I’m mostly to blame. I never liked kids, never wanted kids. I never should have had kids. Too much of my dad in me who verbally beat my brother down unmercifully. But, thank God I also have some of my deceased sweet Mom’s traits. She was as perfect as a human could be. I could have been a better daughter to her. She deserved more than what she got in life. Today, for some reason I found myself talking to her...”It won’t be long now Mom.”

She just needs a good shagging.