- orcs are white
- only the women are smart, men are stupid
- you can be a dwarf with dark skin, despite your family living hundreds of generations underground
- elves apparently love 90s boy band hair and had great barbers and curling irons
- even in the elven version of heaven, you find nasty little bullies among children
- women are only strong if they can be horrendously bitchy and talk down to people
- bitchy feminazis are only happy when they're humping--I mean riding a horse
- when in a mounted horse battle with enemies, make sure to pull all sorts of stunts that would make no sense in a real medieval combat situation
- when you find the villain you've been looking for for ages, say nothing and let him continue to be evil
- you can blow up a mountain with hot water
- when a volcano is blowing up, just stand there and let the hot ash blast you and burn you alive, don't bother running or seeking shelter
- elves apparently can swim thousands of miles without getting tired
- Harfoots apparently mastered the paradoxical art of farming fields and then moving away before the harvest was over, and never bathed
- Harfoots like to show how contradictory their beliefs are, including teamwork and then leaving people behind when the rules are broken
- Eminem died and was reborn an ugly chick that worshiped Sauron and started a cult
- philosophical fables are horrendously dumb
- any village stupid enough to look to the resident widow healer (who has no experience in fighting orcs) for leadership deserves everything they get when orcs come to kill them
- Numenorians, who were some of the best-trained fighters in Middle-Earth, always have to take combat advice from the elves they supposedly hate for no reason
- evidently Numenor only does well when their king is useless and their stupid queen is in charge
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