There are some great lines in Soap (even in season 4!!!!!)
Mine is in season 4 when chester says "Shocked, I'm appalled" when talking to Dr. Alan Posner. Its one of those lines you have to see to appreciate.
Anyone want to share their favourites?
I just finished watching through the whole series on DVD. Here are a couple of my favorite scenes.
*Burt holds up apple in front of Chuck so blindfolded Bob can "read his mind"*
Bob: "It's...red...it's round...it's an apple!!"
Danny (leaps out of chair): "THIS IS AMAZING!!!"
Mary: "Danny, Chuck can see what he's holding..."
Danny: "Yeah but BOB can't!!"
Chester (spitting out coffee): Benson?! Did you put sugar in this??
Benson: "Is it sweet?"
Chester: "Yes!"
Benson: "Then I must have put sugar in it."
Chester: "Benson, I am a diabetic. I can't have any sugar!"
Benson: "I keep thinkin' it's salt you can't have..."
Chester: "I can't have salt either!"
Benson: "Ain't no salt in there!!"
Chester: "Just bring me another cup and this time don't put anything in it!"
*Benson walks halfway across the room, forcing Chester to lean over to hand him the coffee, then brings it to kitchen and returns to serve Chester an empty cup*
Chester: "BENSON!!"
Benson: "You said don't put anything in it!!"
And somebody already mentioned my favorite: "Do you tink I'm finish?!!" :)
Chester : Well somebody do something because my blood pressure is already red lined. All I have to do is stand-up and I'll have a cerebral hemorage right on the spot !!
Benson : Simon says Stand Up.
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Also theres that scene when Corinne announces Chester that she's moving in with Peter and Jesica doesn't want him to know.
Chester : Peter who's Peter?
Jesica : Peter pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't keep her locked her in pumpkin cell then he kept her very well...
And the rest of the scene that can't really be written.
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Chester tells Billy about Herby who always goes on. As he's leaving the room, Billy stops him.
Billy : Where is Herby now ??
Chester : Oh he's in a mental institute, he just sits in corners, talks in numbers and... makes lovely baskets!!
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Mary : Go install yourself Chuck, you can also take a shower.
Jodie : All Bob needs is a little lemon pledge...!!
I loved most of Jodie's jokes about Bob....
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And there was also all those so intense moments for example when Jessica's about to die that was such an intense moment, but I think the most intense one is when Elaine dies
Danny : Don't worry Elaine, you're home...
icannunderstandewattchurespikkingovcoudjureepeetplis?-Of Course I'm a GobStopper Why Ask?
*Burt holds up apple in front of Chuck so blindfolded Bob can "read his mind"*
Bob: "It's...red...it's round...it's an apple!!"
Danny (leaps out of chair): "THIS IS AMAZING!!!"
Mary: "Danny, Chuck can see what he's holding..."
Danny: "Yeah but BOB can't!!"
When the baby is possessed in season 2 and Benson says he will go up with Tim to try to face the devil he says:
My mother once told me, "Son, look the Devil in the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you got a hold of him first."
Powerful stuff!
In addition to that, Jessica's full speech to the Devil to make him go away still gives me chills!
Susan Harris and the other writers of Soap were brilliant with comedic writing, but they were just as brilliant with the serious moments throughout the show.
It's been a long time since I watched the series, but I'm able to remember this:
"The Dutch are our Allies."
The Apple Scruffs Corps Hon Mbr 05
Qui font Prime Musicque, sera en Honneur
When the baby is possessed in season 2 and Benson says he will go up with Tim to try to face the devil he says:
My mother once told me, "Son, look the Devil in the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you got a hold of him first."
Powerful stuff!
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Isn't that when the devil made a growling sound that shook the house and Benson starts back down the stairs saying, "My mother was a fool! An out and out idiot and everyone knew it!" LOL
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In addition to that, Jessica's full speech to the Devil to make him go away still gives me chills!
Oh yeah! Somewhere in there she says, "We've endured separation and loss and death, we've survived too much to give up to you now." Helmond was genius in this role. She could manipulate laughs or tears out of any line.
My two favs:
After Benson killed the rat (Arthur?), Chester (or Jessica) asks Benson if the rat had been given a proper burial. Benson replies that yes, he gave him a "burial at sea". I knew what he meant the instant he said it. There was no need for the pause and "I flushed him down the toilet."
My other fav is when Bob was hidden in the refrigerator. Chuck needs a maniquin, any manaquin, so he slices a mouth in a grapefruit. Of course, when thr grapefruit speaks, juice runs down Chuck's arm. When Bob is finally discovered, Bob is shaking from the cold and remarks about the light in the refrigerator that stayed ON when the door was closed.
The funniest thing I think I ever saw on TV was the bit where Jodie hides Chuck in the freezer and Bob is frantic. He runs into the kitchen doing the ventriloquist bit on fruit (the bannana goes "OLE!")--- the groaning orange in the juicer had me on the floor. That killed me...
Didn't the orange say to Jodie "speaking as one fruit to another..."
shareI think the best line has previously been mentioned, when Jodie tells Jessica that gays have existed throughout history, and mentions that Plato was gay. A flabbergasted Jessica says, "Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?"
If you watch that scene you can tell that Billy Crystal is about to burst out laughing and barely keeps it together.
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They all paint themselves black (Chester, Detective Donahue) to go rescue Billy from the cult. Jessica walks in with hands on her hips and says, "Chester! You are not a negro!"
shareMary and Jessica are in the kitchen discussing a pregnancy (I think Mary's after she was with alien Burt, not sure if the baby was his or real Burt's) and Mary, sitting at the table and says excitedly,
"Jessica bring me a calendar"! and Jessica dashes around the kitchen then slams a colander on the table in front of Mary. HILARIOUS!
Billy Tate in response to everyone trying to shelter him:
"Why can't anyone ever talk in front of me, huh? I walk into a room and conversation stops. I went around for years thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!"
My favorite line in the show, is when the Wooden Doll Bob sings the song, "I TALK TO THE TREEEES, BUT THEY WONT LISTEN TO ME!"
shareI love the bit where Eunice says "Do you realise there's a murderer still running around loose?" Then Burt walks past sharpening two very large knives. Always makes a laugh that one!
shareI always liked the scenes when the women discussed sex over coffee cake in Jessica's kitchen. My favorite is when they are talking about the most unusual place they have ever had sex.
Mary says: I like it in another room.
Jessie says: Doesn't that make it difficult for Burt?
I know there are funnier lines, but that one always cracks me up.
I always laugh when Billy's suicidal ex-teacher/lover unexpectedly enters the room trying to kill herself: "This time I'm gonna do it! This time I'm REALLY gonna do it!" I quote this line all the time and no one ever gets it.
shareI've always liked this line:
It takes place in the episode of the baby's exorcism:
Just before Tim goes upstairs to battle the devil, he gives Benson the name of another priest and says:
Tim: If anything happens to me, call him.
Benson: I'm sure when he finds out how you died, he'll rush right over.
I can't believe no one said this one yet. It was from the first season and the police chief was trying to find out who murdered Peter.
It went something like this:
Police Chief: Our next suspect is Benson.
Benson: Why me?
Police Chief: Because your black.
Benson: Alright, understandable.
Police Chief: And your the butler, there's a reason for the say "the butler did it." Our next suspect it Jodie.
Jodie: Me? Why me?
Police Chief: Because your gay.
Benson: That's almost as good as my reason.
Police Chief: And everyone knows how weird those types are.
That is by far my favorite episode, it's hilarious.
I also like the part when the police chief goes, "I the peace of chilief."
This shows hilarious!
Beatlefan 723
I agree, i would have to say this episode is probably my favourite one too.
Many great lines and so many from the Piece of Chlief Tinkler.
Don't forget these ones:
"Where, when, why, how and who? That's a H and four W's!"
"He was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated and bludgeoned. That's four S's and a B!"
"No, it's impossible for a blind woman to shoot with that kind of accuracy."
"Mrs Campbell, there's no reason in the world to suspect you. Therefore i suspect you."
"I couldn't murder anybody, i couldn't even spank the children when they were bad."
"There has been a murder."
"Another one?!"
"Sooner or later we all have to go."
"And some not soon enough."
All great stuff!!!!
Tinkler: (something to the extent of) Could you get the kid to leave the room?
Chester: Billy, go upstairs.
Billy: Why? This is about violence, not sex!
(Polly and Danny are in the laundromat kissing and people are staring)
Danny: Hey! They're staring at us!
Polly: Well, we're kissing.
Danny: No, that's not it. They're staring because we're a bisexual couple!
Chuck/Bob, Danny, Burt, and I believe Jodie are all out drinking at a bar. Bob passes out and his legs are hanging off the table swinging. Everyone else gets up leaving Bob there passed out, the waitress/bartender asks them who is paying the tab. They all look at Bob, and say "he is."
share
Bob: Mucho gusto, El Puerco.
El Puerco: Estas muy amable.
Bob: Gracias. Vamos a ver aqui con--
Chester: Chuck, what are they saying?
Chuck: I don't know. I don't speak Spanish.
Jessica: How's Leslie?
Billy: She's fine.
Jessica: And Saunders?
Billy: Leslie shot him in the temple.
Jessica: I didn't know he was Jewish.
When Chester has amnesia and he assumes the role of Cookie the chef at a diner.
Waitress: Hey Cookie, are you just going to let those eggs fester on the plate?!
Chester/Cookie: Fester... Plate.... Chester.... Plate.... I'm Chester Plate! No? Wait... I'M CHESTER TATE!!!
When Jessica's murder trial is wrapping up and she addresses the jury:
Could you please make up your minds in a hurry? I can't stand another day with that man (the Judge)
No good....lousy - - a BEAST! OUT!!!!
A few of my favourites:
- When Burt thought he had only 6 months to live, and wanted to get in the Guinness Book of Records before he died. Danny makes a few dumb suggestions like "tallest man", "fattest man". Then he starts leafing through the book looking a better idea and goes "Hmmm...guess you can`t be the oldest man."
- When Jessica was in jail and Benson goes to visit her. A hooker who was in the same jail walks by and goes "Hi Benson."
- It`s not a quote, but the entire scene where Jodie filming a commercial for a brand of cereal which featured two guys, one dressed as a giant flake and the other dressed as a raisin, in a giant bowl of milk. Just hilarious from start to finish.
"Hello, I'm Mr. Peppy Flake. I used to be a schleppy flake."
I was too young to have caught this when the episodes originally aired, but I remember watching it in reruns when I was 11 or so. The writing on this show was absolutely brilliant. I can't believe it was only on for 4 seasons (but I have the whole series on DVD--a must have!).
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!!
LOL! I just watched the one today with your first quote...HILARIOUS!!! Burt and Jessica are my hands down faves with Danny a close second. this show never gets old...I'm laughing as much now, if not MORE. Cause I'm an adult and can really relate to this S***!