"Napoleon" -- The Wikipedia Movie -- And a Good One (Minor Spoilers)

(aka ecarle.)

23 years ago in the year 2000 (you know, a new century?) Joaquin Phoenix took a "straight villain" role in Gladiator, the Best Picture of 2000 that got Russell Crowe an Oscar and cemented his promise from LA Confidential(the next year, Crowe would front Ron Howard's A Beautiful Mind, which also won Best Picture..)

The director of Gladiator was Ridley Scott. 23 years later, Joaquin Phoenix is heading(not supporting) a Ridley Scott film --and Joaquin has a Best Actor Oscar all his own.

Its Napoleon and I guess the reviews aren't too good and the awards shows are ignoring it so far and...I liked it. Liked it for the VERY AMUSING movie that it is.

As has been noted elsehwere, the battle scenes in this movie are great -- a mix of old-fashioned battle grandeur and new-fashioned action.

The connecting tissue is...too quick? too shallow? too "once over lightly?" Scott says he has a 4 and a half hour version ready for Apple -- but I say this two and half hour show was FINE. Fast. Funny.

Its like reading a Wikipedia page summary of Napoleon's life and career as fast as you can. You get EVERY relevant plot point -- if only for a few minutes and then -- on to the next battle.

Some quick examples:

The movie opens with two major historical events from the French Revolution:

ONE: The elegant and noble Marie Antoinette gets her head chopped off.
TWO: The leader of the "Reign of Terror"-- Robespierre, gets overthrown and sent off to get HIS head chopped off.

Entire sequence takes about five minutes. "Done and done":

When the lovely Marie lost her head I was reminded of a thought I've always had: versus such execution methods as the electric chair, the gas chamber, a firing squad(what if vitals are MISSED?) and lethal injection -- isn't the guillotine the most QUICK and PAINLESS one available? The witnesses may be grossed out -- and you have to deal with that HEAD but..quick. As the French cop says to murder suspects Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn in Charade(1963): "I"ve always imagined that the subject of executiion by guillotine feels only a slight tingline sensation at the badk of their neck. I hope you never have a chance to find out.

In the sixties, after the Aurora toy model company had exhausted its "Universal monsters" series of glue-together models(Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man on down to The Phantom of the Opera) they moved on to "horror scenes." One was "victim on the guillotine." I made that model and had fun chopping off the little model man's head. Those were the days.

Robespierre:

There is supposedly a good movie called "Reign of Terror" from the forties, starring Bob Cummings...but don't we have any BETTER such movies. Robespierre was a scary dude.

And here is his exit in Napoleon(paraphrased):

Robespierre: Yo...how cool we chopped off Marie's head. Who's next?
Rebellious guy: How about YOU, Robespierre? You've got too big a head to begin with.
Robepsierre: Uh oh.
(Chase ensues. Robespierre shoots himself in the cheek but not fatally.)
Rebellious guy: Sorry robesie...you missed. Off to the guillotine.

And.. SCENE.

Next example:

Napoleon divorces Josephine because she can't give him an heir.

Young woman is brought to Napoleon
Aide: Here you go, Napoleon..this is your new bride or something. Go try to make babies, eh?

Two minutes later, new scene

Aide: Good news - your new bride(or something) is pregnant.

Two minutes later, new scene:

Napoleon is presented with his baby.

And...SCENE.

One more.

Napoleon is exiled to Elba.

One two-minute shot of Napoleon sitting on a rock looking out to sea.

Next shot: Napoleon and his men board a vessel.
Napoleon: (To Captain) We are taking your ship. Don't make trouble, I'll let you live. Take me to Paris.

And...SCENE.

I LOVED this. I felt like I was scanning a Wikipedia article before having to turn in a book report. Marie dead. Got it. Robespierre dead. Got it. Woman married, pregnant, baby...got it.
Exile in Elba. Escape from Elba. Got it.

CONT