What joke in his new For What It's Worth, standup do you think is the funniest. My favorite joke was when he talked about OJ Simpson and when he was not guilty of how all us black people were celebrating. I thought that was funny as hell.
sharesmokin with the indians was my favorite, I've been to rural new mexico, it's true
Making an alibi and and everything about how people obsess about celebs too much...how freakin true
when he was talking about looking for the crackhead who stole his chocolate bar "this ain't chocolate... it's doo doo baby" hahaha funny shizzle and "How old is 15 really?" Good shizzle!
share- The voice he does for Mickey Mouse saying "I'm Rick James bitch"
- ".. and *beep* carrots."
- "The kid claims he goes to Michael's house. This is where it all gets crazy. He does everything you expect at Michael's house: They climbed trees and rode rollercoasters and ferriswheels; The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes; They was petting a monkey and a giraffe; sang songs, kid *beep* And in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason Mike brought out some wine and some pills, and sucked this kid's dick. And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse. *beep* that is a good host. What else do you want? What else do you want? I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink at my friend's house, let alone a rollercoaster ride and my dick sucked."
"He looked confused. 'Chocolate? This is doo doo baby!'
"Last night Chim Chim jerked me off with his feet, only a MONKEY can show you that kind of love and tenderness"
It's no "Killing Em Softly" but it's still damn funny.
"The moment I make a PG-13 horror movie you can take me out and shoot me" - Clive Barker
Some of my favorites
" I wanna be such a star that I can go to a Casino, sit at the $50,000 Black Jack table and just put my dick up on someone's shoulder." Gambler- " You are not going to believe who's dick is on my shoulder, Dave Chappelle and his balls are as smooth as eggs he has had some work done."
"Whenever white people get drunk and fall asleep around each other they always do some borderline gay *beep* to each other. Yeah he fell asleep so we put some saving cream on his balls and stuck a carrot up his ass. You can't do that kind of *beep* to a black man. I am gonna kill that *beep* nevermind why I just gonna *beep* kill him and *beep* carrots."
"Excuse me miss do you suck balls?"
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MORE..MONKEY..PUSSY..FOR ME!!
Come on man, gimme a *beep* break, this kid is 10 years old, the *beep* he wanna meet michael jackson for, honestly?
"One minute they all love you...next thing you know you're at a court house dancing on top of a van trying to figure out what the *beep* happened to you."
-------
"Hey, I had dibs on being the bitch tonight."
im not sure ill get this correctly, But when hes talking about how gross the strip club was. .it was like "that place was so disgusting, lap dances were three dollars. Gross, but cant be that deal. Dont even have to break a five." Sorry, I just killed it. Anyone quote it for me directly?
share"I am a navaho" "Word? I studied you in social studies, your a hunter gatherer" "well if thats what you call it" "What would you call it?" "An alchaholic"
share"Just pick up your own titty and suck it"
Pure genius
Oh yeah and with friends like you who needs friends?share
I WANT THAT PURPLE STUFF!
shareChim Chim j*rked me off with his feet
shareI liked it when he was talking about how he doesn't smoke weed w/ black people anymore cuz all they talk about is their problems and how white people just talk about other times they got high. It's soo true. Does anybody have that quote? I wanna show it to my friends.
shareBest Jokes:
White Guy:Hey Tod, do You Want some grape juice.
Tod:What, nigg a what the f u c is juice, I want some grape drink baby. MMM It's Purple
White Guy:I don't believe I know what a grape drink is.
Tod:What
White guy:I have some Apple Juice.
Tod:What the f u c is Juice. I want apple drink. It's Green
Of Course: Disney land:
Dave:Everybody, Fu kin' everybody,
Tourist:HEY hey, Im Rick James Bit ch
Dave:Hey man do you mind not calling me a Bit ch in front of my kids, lets take a day off.
Dave: even Fucin' Mickey Mouse, I'm Like this has got to be the most unprofessional shyt i have ever seen in my life
Mickey Mouse(High Pitched Voice):Rick James Bit ch...(High Pitched Giggle)
Dave: I couldn't take it no more so I uppercutted his azz.like BOP. His head went clean off. then everyone freaks out
MY GOD....OH MY GOD...MICKEY MOUSE IS MEXICAN
AND LETS ASK OURSELVES ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION:HOW OLD IS 15 REALLY?....
SMOOTH BOTOX BALLS.....
INDIANS....CELEBRITIES.
My absolute fave is the whole Grape Drink bit.
Sugar. Water. Purple.
That and "Chocolate? This is doo-doo, baby!"
What's your baby's name?
Jesus to the tenth power!
"You know how long it took me to teach that monkey to suck... my... dick.. without tryin' to peel it like a banana? Last night Chim Chim jerked me off with his feet, son!"
"A cage went in search of a bird."
''CHICKEN AND GIBLETS ARE OVER THERE. you must be lost, these are vegetables.''
i love when he's trying to explain how he got a *beep* (from a stripper) in the middle of his shirt to his wife and says he was playing basketball and his friend's buttcheck got his shirt haha
"chief, im fking smashed man, this weed is too strong, is this pcp, the spirits have got me, the spirits have got me!!!!"
shareWhen he says he took his kids to Disney World and everyone in the park kept yelling "I'm Rick James B!tch" in front of his kids.
When he says when white people get high they just sit around and talk about the last time they got high and they sit there and tell u exactly how many shots they had and how much weed they smoked and then how if someone passes out they do borderline gay sh!t like stick carrots up their ass and put shaving cream on their balls, LOL LOL LOL!!!!
"I am Navajo"
"Word?, I learned about you in Social Studies. You're a hunter/gatherer, correct?"
"...I guess so..."
"Well what would you call it?"
"I am....an alcoholic"
"The big ones are $20. The smaller ones are $10."
"They let me sleep in one of their Teepee's, which I sort of thought was *beep* up 'cause they had houses."
....i want that purple stuff....
Can't believe no one has mentioned this. When he is visiting high school and he tells the kids "Listen, if your are serious about getting out of the ghetto, yoiu need to buckle down, stop blaming white people for your problems, and you've got to learn...how to..rap, play basketball, somethin, you're trapped *beep!"
Funny how he was soo serious
Cant remember if this is even the right stand up but,
Dave: "whats with that choclate on your face."
Bum: "choclate, this is doo doo baby."
I have to say the one about the Navajo:
"Word, I study you in social studies...Chief, the spirits have got me! Is this PCP?!"
The homeless dude on the bus:
"I dodged that sh!t like the matrix. Dude behind me wasn't so lucky. Ah, ah (microphone hits)It burns!! It burns!! (Screams) I got AIDS I know it! Calm down *beep* You can't get AIDS from by having a homeless dude bust a nut on your forehead!"
The sh!t stain came out of nowhere and the monkey joke about bribing him with fruits and bananas was pretty funny too.
The funniest moment is when he compared white and black guys getting stoned together. Especially the diffrence between how a black guy would react to waking up with a carrot up his ass compared to the white guy. i was laughing so hard i almost woke the neighbors!
"All I wanna do is do it"
okay well my fav joke i dont know which one its on i think its either killing them softly or this one, its the one that goes kind of like "Dave chapelle couldnt have done it, he was masturbating in fron of his window. Yes im certain of it because he was standing on a clock while holding a calendar and todays paper"
they say money cant buy you lovebut it can buy you hookers
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