mine was the one about the religius time shares. "I have a plan, it's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going "Oh, *beep* off. What are you doing, you *beep*
shareYou tattoo Madonna's name on your stomach, twenty year's later it's picket fences
With an atomic bomb, there's devastaaation and radiaaation, but with an atomic BONG there's celebraaation!!!
heeey yaya, heeey yeyeyey--SEVEN--heey yeye...
OH IT BETTER BE IMMACULATE!!!
To the person who asked, yes, this is on the "Live on Broadway" show.
The CD has some bonus material from other cities in the tour, with a small add-on to "waving at Stevie Wonder". Does he leave voice messages for Marlee Matlin, too? (Marlee is a fantastic actress who happens to be deaf).
Absolutely loved the Golf jokes. *BEEP* No! Eighteen *BEEP* Times!
Like one previous poster, after hearing this, I'm convinced that this was how golf was truly invented.
Also, Be veeewy veeewy quiet. I'm looking fow tewwowists. hehehehehe
ROTFLMAO!
i like when he talks about cats being drag queens "who loves kitty"
shareOMG... i cant beleive no one has mentioned my fave joke
a girl with a bolt through her tongue and i asked her 'why would you do that'?
"to enhance the thexual thtimulation" (lisped)
maybe i like that the most cos i have one too :P
And there's your penis like a midget in a diving suit.
"I don't think we're going in today Pete, we didn't make the deadline."
"I don't need no secret service, I guy comes to hit me, I phuckin knock him out ay."
It's like when you go to the dentist and they put a little lead bib over your balls, he walks behind concrete going-"You'll be fine."
When you're eighteen you get the tattoo of the barbed wire now and when you're eighty it's phucking picket fence.
Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags defending England...I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in schite, and said get out of that focker you focker.
Oh fock off! Schite! Bullocks you bastard! Phuck you!-Would someone please remove Mrs. Tatcher from the chamber?
Girl you don't have to dress like a motherphuckin beekeeper.
Many of you have men have never opened chardonnay under fire!
Could people be quieter I'd like to hear the grass grow.
The scary thing about drugs like that is they always have some horrible side-effect like: May cause artificial insemination.
Your prostate is bigger than your ego now!
-Mr. Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly?
-Monopoly is just a game senator, i'm trying to control the *beep* world.
-you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged.
-So if somebody steps up to the plate with a mardi gras head and raisinettes, YOU'RE OUT!
-The Muslims can have Ramadan and that other holiday, Ka-boom.
-The French dont have a baseball team, and if they did there would only be left field and nobody would be safe.
-Lance Armstrong, he's on chemicals...I'm going "it's chemotheropy you little toad sucker."
-There's bad judging, somebody may have been paid off...oh, say it aint so, and now you're telling me the oscars are also political. OH, *beep* OFF!
-Come on down to Salt Lake, we're gonna party like its 1955. Bring your wives...oops.
-All those old senators like Strom and Jesse going, you know, the confederate flag is just a symbol of state's rights. Yeah, and the Swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm.
-Oh kenny boy, the feds, the feds are coming. Went in on a monday and my stocks were gone, enron ron ron oh enron ron.
Episcopals were the funniest to me I can't believe no one mentioned that!
"I never loved your mother, you know that don't you?"
"No I didn't Dad, she's sittin right there tell her again."
"Where are my bitches?" "
Here's your raisins!!"
The best is the Mary, Jesus, and Joseph skit.
He makes Joseph out to sound like Ralph, from the Honeymooners. Cracked me up!
My top 6, in no particular order, include:
1. Cats and Drag Queens
2. Joe I'm Pregnant/Jerry Christ
3. A Gopher Hole and a *beep* Up Stick
4. The part where he's talking about Viagra and he compares an erect p****s to a "Punch Me Clown" going: "Ha, HaHa, HaHa! Ha, HaHa, HaHa! I'M NOT GO-ING EN-EE-WARE!!"
5. "I have a cure for this, 'One nation under Canada, above Mexico.' But then we have anthems like 'Someone Bless America!' And on the dollar bill, instead of 'In God We Trust,' 'In Gates We Trust.' 'Mr. Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly?' 'Monopoly's just a game, Senator. I'm just trying to controling the entire *beep* world! Don't you see, Windows Millennium, Windows Me? It's all leading up to Information Technology. Soon, it will be Total Information Technology: T.I.T. And when you're sucking on the T.I.T., I have you by the motherboard!'"
6. "In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. Down at the Golden Gate Bridge, at one end, there's a Hummer - and I'm talking about the car....People are going, 'Really?' Anyway, at one end, a Hummer, two National Guardsmen, at the other end, another Hummer, two more National Guardsmen. Only problem is the Hummer and National Guardsmen are in jungle camoflauge. For those who have never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange! So I feel like going, (as Elmer Fudd) 'Be vewy vewy quiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. Hahahahahahahahahaha.'"
All six of those have me laughing until I can hardly breath!
There was a time where my and my brother would just randomly shout "Eyyye eyye eyye, eeeeeeyyyyyyeeeeeyyyyyyyeeee....SEVEN heeyyeyee!!" Usually when one of us got home. Our way of saying "I'm home". One of my favorite jokes, and I can't believe no one mentioned this, is when he talks about the pills causing anal leakage.
"What's the matter Bob?"
"Oh just a little anal leakage Ted."
"Bob you mind getting out of the pool right now?"
I almost fell out of my seat when I first caught this on HBO.
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The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".
[buzzer sound] Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not *beep* empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big *beep* Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
i love it
"When you go to Neverland, it says 'you must be this tall to ride Michael'"
Gets me every time.
"Fake tits"
"Hard core surgery(I'm so scared, but I can't express it!)"
"I'm melting!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Compassion by Mother Theresa"
And my favorite
"Mom, dad, it's also a CD player" lmao
(About airport security)
"You go through the metal detector, and if you're heavily pierced like some of my friends it's like...
*imitates buzzer*
"Take out your keys sir."
"Tip of the iceberg."
*pantomimes removing earrings, nose ring, tounge ring, unzipping pants and pulling out... then using a power drill to remove a 'Prince Albert'.*
*imitates power drill*
"For those playing the home game, this is called a 'Prince Albert'. And I'm sure that was his last wish, I'm sure Albert said...
"Victoria I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a perfomance hall, and a bolt through the *beep* after me. That will be Victoria's Secret, go my darling! Sell little thongs to people like that, and little anal floss! Go, go, go my dear!"