Favorite joke? - Robin Williams Live on Broadway (2002) Discussion

Three words: 71 VIRGINIANS a**hole!

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Hey ladies do we look like this?

When You're Moving At The Speed Of Life, We Are Bound To Collide With Each Other.
Crash May 6th

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[–] SharkmanSIX 19 years ago

NO WAIT WAIT
LOL
Robin Williams: Gandhi didn't have his own line of products, he didn't have 'Gandhi Jeans', whether you're not eating or simply telling the English to get the *beep* out, 'Gandhi Jeans', come in sizes one and below.

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[–] fibars 19 years ago

OR perhaps...

I want to dress like a sperm, shove an iceskate up my ass and go balls first down an ice chute. It will be fun.

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[–] kosovo1389 19 years ago

"I threw my bag at him, covered him in *beep* and said get off that *beep* you *beep*

- It is the exception that confirms the rule -

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[–] tylergnash 19 years ago

"marijuana enhances many things. tastes, sensations, but it does not make you *beep* empowered. the only way you could win a race is if there was a big *beep* hershey bar at the end of the run way. 1..2..3.. I'M THERE!!!"

or

"when the news guys came up and asked what kind of cereal box he wanted to be on he said, 'count chocula.'"

The Hitokiri is untouchable.

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[–] satanic-rituals-of-the-loser 19 years ago

*beep* the foreplay, lets get right down to Ice *beep*

OR

"We come in and the judge says "Oh give it to them they are demaged people" Thank you for the ball, i got the ball i got the ball, not like the brazilians they come in and they are like Bang boom bang bang bang, and their fans are going "humba hoomba ham dang" look im playing soccer, O.K. now look, im Scoring.... Now im kicking zee ball."

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[–] IndianaBond 19 years ago

"What are these lumps under my eyes?"
"Those are your tits madam!"

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[–] 19 years ago

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[–] ButtMud 19 years ago

i like the one about sniffing crack of the strippers chest

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[–] Lethal_K_MMX 19 years ago

After an hour and a half on Viagra, you have more "seamen" than the Fifth Fleet!

*beep* you Americans! THE GERMANS ARE HERE! HELLO AMERICANS!

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[–] abenaroya2002 19 years ago

"That is one ugly Panda Bitch"

His Scotish accent, "Oh Yea Eh"

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[–] JukkaPerkele 19 years ago

"Here´s my idea for a *beep* sport: I whack a ball and it goes in a gopherhole"

"Oh you mean like pool?"

*beep* off pool! Not with a straight stick, but a little *beep* up stick!"

"Oh you mean like crocket?"

*beep* crocket! I put the hole hundreds of yards away!"

"Oh like a bowling-thing?"

*beep* no! Not straight, i put s**t in the way! Like trees and bushes and high grass, so you can loose your *beep* ball!" :DDD

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[–] je_alex5 19 years ago

We can't bomb the Afghans back to the Stone Age, because they'll go like "Cool, an upgrade"

Vincent : If they open that trunk, they're going inside it.

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[–] bballplaya283 19 years ago

I saw this about 2 years ago, and not even all of it. And I'm 13 right now, so I probably didn't understand all of it. I thought the panda part was hilarious. Also the new sport thing. Those were both priceless.

Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!

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[–] ReadyWhenYouAreSgtPembry 19 years ago

"When you go to Neverland there's a sign that says 'You must be this tall to ride Michael.'"

(In a black woman's voice talking about Michael Jackson) "Sugar you were Diana Ross now you just left it all behind."

"Brittany Spears: 'I'm a virgin.' Yeah, and Michael Jackson's a father."

(Singing) "Don't you ask, don't you tell, you will end up right in hell! Here's your check direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home!"

"This spring the flowers were like Anne Heche: 'I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out!'"

"Everyone got upset when Tyson bit off Holyfield's ear. Tyson just got out of prison. He's lucky he didn't f- him!"

Probably the best comedy show ever.

Shoot the bouncing green thingy and win a free PS2!

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[–] Lunar_Pilgrim 19 years ago

So many....

" We come in and the judge says "Oh give it to them they are demaged people" Thank you for the ball, i got the ball i got the ball, not like the brazilians they come in and they are like Bang boom bang bang bang, and their fans are going "humba hoomba ham dang" look im playing soccer, O.K. now look, im Scoring.... Now im kicking zee ball." "

That one's pretty good.

"& you! Freddy Krueger bitch! Take off ze mask goddammeeeet!!"

"YELLOW CARD! Two yellow cards. RED CARD! Hold on. Three cards. GREEN CARD!!"

"We have to keep track. 'Cause remember, it's not just a sin. It's a felony!"

"Shhhhhhh. There's a gay mafia. SHHHHHHHHHHH."

"WHERE IS TONYA HARDING WHEN YOU NEED HER!! Tonya would've been on that judge like sh!t on velcro!! Tonya woulda been there going GIVE ME THAT MEDAL YOU FRENCH WHORE! A ha ha ha hahaah ah... I won!"

"At this point even Caligula's going 'What the f=ck are you people doing?"

"I know, the definition of retarded in Texas is pretty wide."

"Even the Taliban is going 'You are crazy motherf=ckers!' "

"How do you go from crucifixtion to, chocolate bunnies, colored eggs?. Even little kids are going 'Rabbits don't lay eggs, what is this?' "

"I want to dress like a sperm. Shove an iceskate in my ass. & go ballsfirst down a ramp. Ya! It will be fun!"

" There's always some horrible drug scandal in the Olympics. This year it was a cross-country skiller, .. SKILLER, which is like a skiier. 'Are you a skiller?' 'Hhheyees!!' "

" Remember the kid who won the gold medal, he was in freestyle? They asked him, 'Do you want to be on a box of Wheaties?'. & he said 'No. Count Chocola.' Haha! A clue Sherlock! "

*about betraying Jesus* " Simon said to Jesus 'Is it me Jesus?' Jesus turned to Simon & said 'No it is not you Simon'. & Peter said to Jesus 'Is it me Jesus?' Jesus turned to Peter & said 'No it is not you Peter'. & Judas turned to Jesus and said 'Is it me Jesus?' and Jesus said 'IS IT ME JEEZEEEZ?!!' "
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The tree that does not branch, hides rot within.

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[–] Mhjm6 19 years ago

"The ball is going....the ball is going in the....HHHOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!"

"Be vewy vewy qwiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. Hehehehe."

"Right now the people at HBO are going *beep*

"Today's bombing raid has gone up from yesterday's bombing raid, we've gone from here to here."

"Watch gramma go S**T!"

"Is it hot enough for you??"

and there are so many more...

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[–] danielra2 19 years ago

the golf thing just cracks me up

I cannot figure out what the scotsman is saying in the beginning, not one bit. I know it's supposed to sound unintelligible, but really... can someone ...like... transcript it for me?

thanks

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[–] Ndwwaldo78 19 years ago

So many jokes, so little time. Eh, summary.

"Cause they were zappin' retarded folks left and right. 'Go sit on Santa's Lap Timmy! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!"

"We got those shows, we just don't film em...."

"Crikey! She's gonna f#ck his brains out! This is worse than the time I put my finger in a croc's cloetta, bad bad news....."

"I had a wild time in Vegas. Oh yeah, I banged a gorilla!"

"Grandpa can have wood again! HAHAHA, look at that look at that (Walter Brennan voice). I don't need a walker! 'I can see that.'"

"You'll be trashin your a$$, jerkin away in the sand! 'And you do this one time?' F-CK NO! 18 F-CKIN TIMES!!!!"

"It'd be more like those Louisiana Psychics who are like- 'You gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiie! Might as well park your a$$ upwards and have a place for your bike!"

"Homeland Security is searching the old lady, and she's 'What I'm gonna knit the flight to death?' Gimme that! Little 6 year old kid is like, 'What are you doing, you're not a priest, let go of me!'"(I'm Christian and I laughed my self to tears on that)

"Wait, GILLIGAN'S DOWN! GILLIGAN'S DOWN!" (yep the W jokes are funny, pretty shocking from a GOP voter)

"Look at me, I'm goo boy, what are you doin?"

"Monopoly is a game Senator, I'm trying to rule the f-cking world. I now have Total Information Technology, TIT, and went you suck at the tit, I got you by the motherboard."- Bill Gates voice.

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[–] 19 years ago

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[–] scott_smo88 19 years ago

"That's what we'll call it! A stroke! 'Cuz every time you miss you think you're gonna die!"

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[–] kornfanwill 19 years ago

when he did the easter chocolate stuff:
you dont want a little kid biting the head off a chocolate jesus, you dont want a cream filled cross going(fart sound)everywhere. etc. had me in tears.

2 for evil dead please. donnie. donnie darko. GREATEST LINE EVER

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[–] conspirazsrtrue 19 years ago

At one end of the bridge: a hummer, two national guardsmen. at the other end: a hummer, two national guardsmen. The only problem the hummers and the national guardsmen are in jungle camoflauge. For those of you who have never been, the bridge is bright orange. I felt like going: 'Be vewy vewy quiet. we're wooking for tewwowists. heheheheheh'

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

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[–] ndel630 19 years ago

(On Latin Soccer) Sometimes guys will do this weird thing where they'll fall down and go: "Oh! I been blindeed! I can't go on! I'm dying- There's nobody near me, huh? Hokay, I'm keeding." And the referee is so sweet too. He's like: "Hokay, whass you name? durn aroun. Whass you *beep* name? Why deedn't you coll me after dee Mexico game?"

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[–] discoxxbloodbath 19 years ago

"When you go down maddison avenue you see some HARDCORE surgeries like HEEH *pulls face tight*"

Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.

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[–] alexnewman80 19 years ago

The invention of golf joke had me in tears and I like
"Hey, I got water, and if you want it cold I got ice mother*beep*."

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[–] jonny2904 18 years ago

When you see an amish man with his hand buried in the horses ass...thats a mechanic!

im from oz so i didnt quite get some of the american based jokes but everything else was top class comedy!

What i didnt get was when he goes "The french dont play baseball because if they did they would only have left field and no one would be safe!" im assuming its some sort of political joke but yeah can someone explain it

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[–] chrisw-36 18 years ago

"They would only have left field"
Left is usually liberals, so the French are some of the craziest liberals out there. They actually have a working Communist party. The political atmosphere is crazy over there. Thus, the "No one would be safe!". They're similar to some third-world countries with the instability of rule. People get taken out often.
That's my interpretation of it.

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[–] nonameslefttheth 16 years ago

" They're similar to some third-world countries with the instability of rule. People get taken out often. "

LMAO, hahahahha check your facts man, that is so not true. There are no people taken out like you said. Made me laugh tho, so thank you for that :)

Im not from france btw, you're from the US i guess ;)

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[–] george_sano 18 years ago

Golf, the monkeys waiting for the teacher and the distressed weatherman.

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[–] Pippin_girl_26 18 years ago

whats that oh thats a gun okay get on the plane

victoria im dieing, i want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me! that will be victorias sectret, go go my darling!

*is it me jesus*

george bush: oh look at the kitty

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[–] Stubz_Turner 18 years ago

what are you doing? you're not my priest.

if you wanna step up, STEP UP.

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[–] improvised18 18 years ago

my favourite is the coked out ninjas on the lawn and the

"is it hot enough for you?"

"nah, i like sweat rollin down the crack of my ass like niagra"

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[–] pirate-gal 18 years ago

ping pong the panda: i would never **** her. if you were a panda you would know that is one ugly panda b!tch. i would not **** her with a koalas ****.

oh the night you said me wife was fat i knowcked ya down and sh!t in your hat.

oh make the turn you bastard, make it. hard right you ****er, hard right! wwell you cost us the race! dolphin boy!

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[–] Timdiana 18 years ago

One of my favorites is
"Your not fat your...horizantally challenged".

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[–] RedheadBombshell 18 years ago

Robin Williams: It doesn't scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that's okay. Stevie's only been blind since *birth!* He's like, 'Stevie!' and Stevie's going, 'Is that *beep* waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I'm *lookin* for him? Goddamn!' No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a *beep* pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from *snack food!* Secret service are like 'Game's over man!' 'Gilligan's down! Gilligan's down! His own dogs didn't care! They were licking him for the salt!
I freaking LOVE Robin Willams!!!!

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[–] AsianButterfly20 18 years ago

I'm going with the golf stuff. Especially Pebble Beach mother <bleep>!

Jamie (aka Jay-Jay)
"My bottom will be the king of England before you!"

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[–] kornfanwill 18 years ago

ARE YOU A SKILER (lisp) YESSSSS

2 for evil dead please. donnie. donnie darko. GREATEST LINE EVER

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[–] Gpapanto 18 years ago

People are suing Ms. Cleo for fraud, and I'm like, "F@ckin' DUH!"

"I WILL NOT BUY STUPID SH!T FOR NO REASON!"

"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." --Spinal Tap

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[–] Draven_Crow 18 years ago

I like were he talks about how to find osama
"Let's just get ted kazinski to find him. Oh but wait we can't do that because everytime he comes for a parole meeting he's carved a swaztika in his forhead"
(ted)
"I'M BETTER!!"
"yes you are"

Who's driving? Oh my God, BEAR is driving. How can that be?

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[–] 18 years ago

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[–] kujasdisciple101 18 years ago

"I knew Gandhi, he was prick. I saw him sucking on a pork hot dog, hitting on mother Teresea going 'Who's your diaper daddy, who's your diaper daddy?'...I will bitch slap you like Shiva!"

"If your Irish you've got it made you have a natural tolerance to it. You won't just beat us up, you'll sing about it afterward. *singing* Oh the night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shat in your hat, *random celtic chanting* And you keep singing and dancing until your 80 and on a dialisis machine and then you see Michael O'Mally flat line...*boooooooooo*. Cuz you know they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a few guiness and forgot where they put it!"

"Irag has the bomb, pakistan has the bomb, RUSSIA, has zee bomb. WE HAVE MANY BOMBS! We don't know where they all are...PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE A DIRTY BOMB! ... detonated 7 underground nuclear tests ... detonated 7 underground nuclear tests and our spy satelites where like Ray Charles in the Louve. We didn't have a F'in clue. The French still test their bombs. Where at, in the Sahara, in a wasteland? No, in Tahiti, in paradise. Why?...Because we're French. O look, a green peace boat, I sink you *uses foot to sink boat* Look im giving a cigarette to a baby, suck on it darling, life is *beep* get used to it."

When you really want something and close your eyes and wish for it God is the guy that ignores you.

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[–] anjabro33 18 years ago

Quebec is going to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency.
It's like a kid moving out of the house,
"but I still would like to get money". *beep* off you!

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[–] 18 years ago

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