Romania
A Romanian proverb reminds us: "A joke is a very serious thing".The IRT travels to a dark, always stormy Transylvania when two American tourists are found drained out of blood and with their anus artificially stretched.
Because the victims were gay, the IRT ponders wether the unsub is a homophobe who blames Americans for spreading homosexuality in his country, or a closeted gay man who hates himself for having been raised in a homophobic country. Mae drops that the area is inhabited by Hungarians despite being deep in Romania and that this could be somehow tied to separatism or something, but the rest discards it and concludes that the unsub must be a homophobe because all Eastern Europeans are homophobes, even the gay ones.
But when they land, they get news that another American has been murdered in the same way and he was not gay. Also, the unsub put a stake through the victim's mouth post-mortem. Clara makes the astounding revelation that staking the dead is how you get rid of a corpse suspected to turn into a vampire in Romanian folklore. The local law enforcement, Detective Herkemer Homolka, says that there are many believers in vampires among Romanians though not as many as homophobes. He also brings the neat but inconsecuential trivia that Ceacescu was buried with garlic to make sure that he did not rise back as a vampire. The IRT is clear. The unsub might not be a gay hunter, but someone who thinks he is a vampire hunter. They tell the Romanians to look for delusional fans of Van Helsing and Castlevania.
To make things worse, Monty finds that another American tourist in Romania twitted "help i am being kidnapped" twenty minutes ago. Something bothers Clara, however. If the unsub thinks he is a vampire hunter, why does he artificially stretch his victims' anuses? That's not part of vampire folklore. A tourism brochure makes her put two and two together: Dracula the vampire was named after Vlad the Impaler, who killed Turks by ramming sticks up their ass. Romanians think of Vlad as a national hero for killing Turks and hate foreigners for misrepresenting him as a vampire. The unsub is killing Americans to avenge Vlad the Impaler's memory.
Monty gets to work. He finds that 6 months ago, a popular Romanian actor named Vladimir Vladimirescu auditioned for a part in an American movie, but that the studios were only interested in hiring Romanians to play vampires. When the execs said "Just like Dracula!", he was enraged, turned into a bat and flew out of a window. Monty has his current job and home addresses. "But that does not fit with his fantasy of being a vampire avenger", says Jack, "There must be something more athmospheric around". Monty reminds him that they have had Bran Castle CGI'd in the background and featuring prominently in every shot of stock footage since the episode started.
Off to Bran Castle they go. In the main hall, they find the unsub with his tied up victim, ready to ram a stick up his ass. "They turned Vlad into a ridiculous caricature!", he yells, in perfectly good English. "You are a worst caricature than him!" says Jack. "No! I do not drink... vine!" Jack shoots him just before he shoves the stick up the victim's butt hole.
Music montage. The victim is safe. Sun shines between the clouds for the first time in years. They say goodbye to the Romanian cop. They hop into their plane and go to fix 10 leus on the money wall, but they find that someone has stolen all the money. They didn't realize the cop was a Gypsy. The End.
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CrispyRoll
8 years ago
OMG CONFESS: you're the head script writer in Criminal Minds:Beyond Borders
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