100 things I've learned from House of the Dead!!!

286. If your boyfriend disappears when you are swimming, instantly assume that he has wandered off into the rusty old shack deep in the woods, and not the great big rave that is going on just round the corner.

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286: Main characters can fully and insightfully summarise people's personalities in a single sentence... despite never meeting them alive.
287: You can learn absolutely everything about a highly complex zombie creating virus by glancing briefly into a 18th century microscope
288: When you're a crazy Spanish padre, you really struggle to make out people's faces, even though they're standing in quite bright lights.
289: In zombie films, no-one needs a bra. At any point. On anyone. Ever.

286: Creating a main menu that consists of random video game clips gives a good sign to the viewer about what they're about to watch.

They all die in the end.

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370.) When you finally get to the boat it won't be there

378: Rain behaves differently in zombie-infested islands:
378.1: It can be predicted by wetting your finger and pulling it up in the air
378.2: It may rain heavily in the shore (specifically above the boat), but AT THE SAME TIME not in the micro-climate in the island
378.3: It's perfectly possible to light a cigar under a storm if you just cup your hands a little around the flame.
378.4: Also, it stays lit while you casually shoot zombies climbing to your boat, assuming that after a single shot in the chest they are NOW completely dead
378.5: Raindrops don't alter the still surface of the water, even when it's a storm. They also don't seem to wet clothes or make mud out of dirt

379: It's totally cool when the adapted soundtrack for the main shooting scene includes the name of the movie

380: It's common for houses built hundreds of years ago to have electric light (in the place where Casper dies, shortly after that)

381: Houses of the dead have everlasting candles. They are always lit. But if you just got to one, it's imperative to go to the also everlasting fireplace and light yet ANOTHER candle from the fire

382: Zombies come out of the basement of the house, but never enter it when it's used as a stronghold (even when at the beggining of the movie they do)

383: Zombies may tear apart a solid door with their bare hands, but they wouldn't enter through one of the windows flimsly boarded up

384: If you happen to pull someone in through a window while a bunch of zombies is cutting half of her body, you can just put a loose board against the window, secure it with a plank standing in the flor and leaning against it , hit it with your fist once or twice to make sure it's now impenetrable, and they won't even try to come inside


385: It's very profitable to smug a single machete (it is, according to Kirk, the best weapon) and some flare guns (they are also illegal and very lethal)

392. In 2003, Jurgen Prochnow and Clint Howard were apparently very low on funds.

393. It actually IS possible for a fight scene full of action to be too long.

394. Judging from the amount of zombies we see, a lot of people went missing when they went to this San Juan island, but no one bothered to investigate until after this rave.

395. Zombies are champion swimmers.

396. Uwe Boll truly earned his reputation.

397. This movie was of much lower quality than home movies I’ve seen made on Fisher Price kiddie cameras. By children. Who were under 10 years old.

398. I need to go to Germany to get my movie made. If Boll can get funds for this hot mess, I darn sure can get something for my student film.

399. I will never ever play the House of the Dead video game. Ever.

400. Sega has extremely poor security for their raves and extremely poor judgement when scouting locations.


THE RAP CRITIC:
http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/rap-critic