The Murder of Benosheabutters by Wears Alan

Out on a boat miles from the shore.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
(ecstatic)
I love it here! Gonna live here!
Benosheabutters takes off his jacket, then does karate moves on the boat on his way to becoming the next Chuck Norris
WEARS ALAN
I wanted to tell you my plan.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
So tell me.
WEARS ALAN
I thought I might come back. On movechat.org after I successfully shut down the IMDB boards.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
(suddenly tight)
Really?
WEARS ALAN
Of course. Let's say, for argument's
sake, you were here - perhaps we could
split the rent on a house - I'll get a
job teaching karate to street bums - or, better still, I could get a
place,a crap shack,and when we're there we
could be there and if we're here we could
be here -
BENOSHEABUTTERS
Oh God, I don't think so.
WEARS ALAN
- you see, particularly with the Sam Gerard
problem, you can just blame me.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
Sam Gerard and I are getting married.
WEARS ALAN
(appalled)
How?
BENOSHEABUTTERS
How?
WEARS ALAN
Yesterday you're ogling girls on the
terrace, today you're getting married.
It's absurd.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
I love Sam Gerard.
WEARS ALAN
You love me and you're not marrying me.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
(cold)
Wears, I don't love you.
WEARS ALAN
No, no, it's not a threat, I've explained
all of that.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
I'm actually a little relieved you're
going, to be honest. I think we've seen
enough of each other for a while.
Wears Alan stares at him, his eyes suddenly reptilian.
WEARS ALAN
What?
BENOSHEABUTTERS
You can be a leech,you know this,and
it's boring. You can be quite boring, posting DA PLANE!
WEARS ALAN
(volcanic)
The funny thing - I'm not pretending to
be somebody else and you are. I'm
absolutely honest with you. I've told you
my feelings. But you, first of all I know
there's something - that evening when we
spooned, for instance, it was
obvious -
BENOSHEABUTTERS
(incredulous)
What evening?
WEARS ALAN
Sure - I know, that's too dangerous for
you, fair enough, hey! we're brothers,
fine, then you do this sordid thing with
Sam Gerard, fucking him on the boat while we
all have to listen, which was
excruciating, frankly, plus you follow
your cock around like a - and now you're
getting married! I'm bewildered, forgive
me...you're lying to Sam Gerard then getting
married to him, you're knocking up
VanillaLimeCoke, you practice karate, then you've
got to do kung fu, which is it, Benosheabutters,
what martial art do you do ?
Benoshawbutters, furious, gets up, and lurches towards Wears Alan.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
(attacking him, administering
tiny slaps as punctuation to
his tirade)
Who are you - some imposter, some third
class mooch in a stolen karate gi - who are you to tell me
anything? Actually, I really really
really don't want to be on this boat with
you, I can't move without you moving,
which is exactly how it feels and it
gives me the creeps.
(he goes to rev up the engine)
I can't move without - "Benosheabutters, Benosheabutters,
Benosheabutters" - like a little girl. You give
me the -
WEARS ALAN SMASHES HIM ACROSS THE HEAD WITH THE OAR. BENOSHEABUTTERS SLIPS
OFF THE WOODEN SEAT, HIS EYES ROLLING IN GROGGY SURPRISE.
WEARS ALAN
Shut up! Just shut up! Just shut up!
The boat slows as Benosheabutters releases the tiller. Benosheabutters looks
up at Wears Alan wearily and slides onto his back.
BENOSHEABUTTERS
For God's sake.
Wears Alan, shocked at himself, goes to Benosheabutters, rocking the boat,
catches him up, then is horrified to see Benosheabutters face,
apparently unmarked, SUDDENLY SPLIT OPEN, a line of blood and
then a peeling like a fruit bursting. Wears Alan is appalled. A
terrible roar issues from Benosheabutters as he launches himself at
Wears Alan.
BENOSHEABUTTERS (cont'd)
I'll kill you!
Wears Alan finds himself pushing him away, picking up the oar,
kicking off Benosheabutters hand around his ankle. The boat is
rocking and swerving crazily as Benosheabutters falls against the
tiller. Wears Alan almost loses his balance. His glasses come
off. They struggle, locked together in a life or death
wrestle to get control of the oar. Benosheabutters blinded by his
own blood, loses his grip.
Wears Alan, terrified, hits Benosheabutters again and again, the oar like
a carpet-beater banging down flat, blood on the blade, blood
on Wears Alan, until he's on his knees, heaving for breath,
letting his arm drop, then realizing, disgusted, that he's
let it rest in a pool of blood. He starts to sob, sprawls
there, sobbing, next to Benosheabutters, horrified by what he's done.
Nobody's in sight. The boat rocks, gently, the sun sparkling
indifferently on the waves. Wears Alan lies by Benosheabutters in the
bottom of the boat, in the embrace he's always wanted.
The pretty blue-and-white boat rocks peacefully. The sea
calms.
Then, Wears Alan grabs Benosheabutters laptop, logs into his account, and posts a story about cobra kai to cover his tracks.