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100 things I learned from the Amityville Horror

posted 7 years ago by fjk1138-731-161881
5 replies | jump to latest

1. A house where bizarre murders occurred is a great place to raise a family.

2. Blessing a house is pretty fly for a priest guy.

3. If you ever want to get a nun to vomit, just invite her over for a visit.

4. Black ooze in a toilet will take more than a scrub brush to get rid of it.

5. Your basement may have a well that is not holding water.

6. If your neighbor comes over to visit with beer, make sure to take it from him right away or else he may disappear on you and you'll just have to buy your own later.

7. Fire won't help fight the cold no matter how much wood you burn.

8. You may wake up at 3:15 am every day but you'll probably never notice.

9. If you wake up with bite marks on your ankle, no doubt a nearby statue was involved.

10. If it's pouring rain, you've experienced weird unexplained phenomena, and see a giant demonic pig in the window of your child's room from outside, by all means go back into the house immediately.

11. A church is sacred holy ground, yet evil spirits can chip away at a statue inside of it.

12. Pieces falling from a statue can zero in on a priest's eyes and cause blindness.

13. Don't ever buy a house that was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

14. The blood dripping from your house's walls is just its way of saying it wants you to stay.

15. A demonic pig is a girl's best friend.

16. If Lois Lane ever left Metropolis, she's probably settle for a quaint Dutch Colonial on Long Island.

17. If a bartender ever freaks out that you look like a killer make sure you take it out on your business partner in a few minutes by punching him in the face.

18. Chopping wood until you're near the point of exhaustion makes for a fun dad to be around.

19. If your house locks up your ugly babysitter and she never wants to come back, it was really just doing you a favor (so what if there's a little blood on the door?).

20. Leaving your hand on a window sill for too long may leave you in a world of pane (see what I did there?).

21....

[–] Ultrashiver 7 years ago

21. Keep your money on your person at all times so thieving, demonic pigs won't steal it.

22. Never let a woman in your house that wants to destroy your basement wall with a pick axe.

23. Never slug your business partner when he is trying to help you.

24. Don't lie to a priest and say "we waited all day but he never showed up" when he did show up.

25. Instead of chopping wood 24/7, sign the payroll checks so your employees can get paid.

26. Never turn down your favorite hot dog even when your house feels like it's 32 degrees.

27. "Checks bounce; Checks get cancelled", so always pay your caterer in cash in the men's room even if a demonic pig stole it.

28. Whenever you receive a call with static on the other end, it probably was a collect call from Japan.

29. A fly on your windshield can cause you to wreck your car and your premium will go up.

30. Wear protective gloves when making or receiving a phone call (priests only).

31. If a priest screams, "I think it's bureaucratical bull$hit", he automatically get a vacation.

[–] fjk1138-731-161881 7 years ago

32. If your first movie is popular then several sequels of declining quality and low ROI justify endless explotation of the intellectual property.

33. Going back for a dog is a "well" deserved action.

34. An exploding lightbulb makes for a slippery staircase.

35. If your dog is acting weird in the house by all means ignore it. Nothing is wrong. Keep chopping firewood.

36. Throwing an axe into a tree serves no plot purpose but looks kind of cool.

37. You may look like a local crazed killer but only a bartender would ever notice.

38. Lighting a cigarette near a black cat is more dangerous than smoking itself.

39. Demonic window eyes will be lit by a light source that defies continuity and logic but it looks evil enough.

40...

[–] fjk1138-731-161881 7 years ago

40. A tree branch may smash through your house's eye window but poor editing will fix it back to normal in a few minutes.

41. You wife will dress like a girly girl to make her later temporary transformation into an old hag all the more scary and ironic.

42. Thunder claps all sound the same in Amityville, NY.

43. Local police investigating your house are just one useless subplot away from being gone for good.

44...

[–] GreenGoblinsOck8 (7428) 7 years ago

44. If your kid tells you her imaginary friend doesn't like your new husband, you shouldn't give her a punishment for it.
45. Being scared makes you yell at the top of your lungs.
46. If a house tells you to get out, you get out as fast as you can.
47. A guy coming to your screen door saying he's your neighbor, offering to share a 6 pack of beer with you, and then immediately disappearing will freak you out but not enough to leave the room that happened in.

[–] JohnGrant (73) 4 years ago

48. Trees still have leaves and the weather is warm in Amityville in December. (The time of year the alleged true story happened)
49. Babysitters get locked in closets even though the door has no working lock.
50. If your front door breaks off from its hinges and your basement door gets damaged, don't worry, it's probably just burglars trying to break out.