Season five

I just watched the series finale of Banshee - great show that ended on a high note, by the way - but I feel like I need a break from bleakness - so why not another episode of Charlie's Angels?

Hula Angels - The Angels are at a club watching sexy Hula Dancers - all is well then?

What I wouldn't give for a lawnmover - a joke about pubic hair?

This is essentially a glorified strip club, but the Angels are enjoying themselves. Oh, those crazy lesbians! Go home, get married, get pregnant - the Ghost of Sabrina remains! Oh no, the sleazy club owner is kidnapped by people in pig masks. Or is that swine masks? I'm going to guess that his hula girls are behind this, considering his attitude. Now he's being forced to listening to disco music - when disco music was considered dead!

I'd pay anything - his wife says. She's so in on this plot! I can't believe we were in the club when this happened - yeah, because you are all so observant Kris. How long until they have Tanya Roberts doing hula dancing? Oh no, Lily, a hula dancer, is kidnapped! Kris and Julie are auditioning for a hula dancer part - I could've never guessed this would happen with this plot. Kris wins the part! Julie gets a special part, because she's sexy Julie.

Your friend is almost as good as you are...
She's not my friend, I just met her today!
Yeah sure - way to go Kris and Julie. You two talked right in front of the woman - why not just say that you know each other? It would be far less suspicious.

Turns out the bad sleazy club owner might not be as bad as he seems. Angels have a stake-out for the ransom guy which is just clumsy. And now poor hula girl Margo is kidnapped! Gee, isn't it good that the Angels can stand around in slinky bikini's when discussing a case, yet Boz wears a full three piece suit?

Finally, the bad guys (or GIRLS) actually put things together that the Angels are detectives - well done girls! Maybe you can catch a kidnapper the same way you can catch a fish - with bait! - Oh, ok Kris. This episode must have some of the most dire dialogue of the series. The girls are actually smart this time around and will fool Stacey Parrish - yet they start talking out loud in a close range to her or one of her girls.

Now Julie's kidnapped! Oh no! Will she live? Maybe Tiffany will come back from the East? Haha just kidding. The cage, it must be bugged! - thanks Julie. So the Angels drop off a ransom and they have Kelly on a bike? With a tow? And then Bosley in a truck? They are asking for a car crash. Oh, so that Julie's cage could land there, of course.

The important thing is that we have you back Julie!
I got a chance to know Steve pretty well (when I had to poo in front of him in a cage) - Julie

This is probably one of the dumbest Angels episode I've seen. It's really up there.

Oh, this episode...

Moonshinin' Angels - you know, I said seasons four and five blur into one for me and I watched them once in reruns like 10-15 years ago (and missed a lot of episodes), still this episode always stood out for me, perhaps not for the best reasons...

Fried chicken and coffee for the MOONSHINER! Is it bad that I think that moonshine looks... delicious? Wow, they could actually afford a car crash on their budget in season five! Such a waste of good alcohol, though. Oh, the Angels are back in Los Angeles! That was fast. Do they acknowledge that they're back? No. But Angels are on this case! Oh hot moonshiner guy survived and now there's a cute girl. Could they write this dialogue more stereotypical? Like, I'm not from the US, or a hillbilly or whatever, but even I recognize the silliness.

Kris being in Cattlin' land or whatever... Howdy! Nice touch with that broken mosquito net! Well, now Kris is a moonshiner. Well, I'm not surprised, with all the idiocy she has to deal with week after week of course she'd be an alcoholic. Julie becomes a waitress - apparently you have to chew gum to become one; Britney Spears new career. Whatever.

So, now Kelly's a seller of illegal alcyhal. Gee, wouldn't you get suspicious if two pretty women came to search jobs in one day? NO BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE MORONS ALL HILLBILLYS ARE MORONS! God. No wonder Jaclyn Smith wanted to leave if there was a season six. Yeah, Bartlett or whatever are unrelated to the Cattlin's but they all know each others business. This is truly a Modern Day Romeo and Juliet story. Also, axes are good at cutting wood, but if you've handled it, it would tell you that they are pretty messy for killing people because flesh is soft and wood is hard. I wouldn't use an axe to threaten someone for that reason. TMI?

Oh the head waitress is a whore. Romance plot for Bosley? Phone booths, remember them? Go Kelly! Show 'em. "Women folks" - "folk" means "people" in Swedish, but not in this demeaning way. I'm surprised they didn't have Julie waitressing in a bikini - bet she'd look hot in that. So, now three new people have joined these hillbillies in the illegal alcyhal buznizz. This plot is so messy, so we have two families and one bad guys? And then the Juliet and Romeo story?

Is it turning horror movie now? I love a good explosion, but still surprised the show had the budget. So Kelly spills it all (har har) to the Bartlett guy. Now Boz is kidnapped - no romance plot for him? Ohh, the confrontation! This seems pretty not well-planned - what if one of the guys just shot Julie in the face? But bad guys are never that smart on this show. Happy ending to this Romeo and Juliet story!

"Well done Angels" - now Kelly and Kris starts to argue about the quality of the whiskey - looked like vodka to me.

I enjoyed this episode far more than I expected. Well done Angels! Well done.

He Married An Angel - oh look, Janice from The Muppets is involved with this weeks plot! Janice from The Muppets is a moron and her sister is savvy. I like the sister.

"We're not in the business of punishing people" - really Kelly? Didn't you guys do a triple-cross? I'm sure there are other instances of you punishing the bad guys for the sake of it (not that I disapprove, but get down from your high horse)...

Oh look, Boz got pubic hair on his face! So their brilliant plan to con the experienced con man is to do the most obvious set up ever? Wouldn't he think "gee, what a coincidence that an experienced con woman just happens to live next door to me?" Isn't that slightly suspicious? WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON WITH KELLY'S HAIR IN THIS SCENE? Did they place poor Jaclyn in a wind tunnel? Amazing disguise - a pair of glasses, yeah he's a professional con man alright! This artwork is great. This art lady is giving me psycho biatch vibes. "She owns this place!" "Bingo!" "She's his next mark!" - thanks for clarifying that Julie, no one could've gotten that.

Oh, is Kelly shaming art gallery lady's lack of sexual experience with men? I know you and Tiff were pro at being street walkers, but still - rude! Why won't any of these men wonder why these mysterious girls won't put out? Seriously, I would've just dumped a cock tease like Kris and the others, especially if I was a highly paranoid con man. Worst con man EVER. He's very trusting. Holy boobieroonies, who is the secretary Julie's talking to? Those are some impressive mammaries! Once again, Julie uses her full name when introducing herself - this could almost become an ongoing theme - "when Angels stupidly use their real names". Yeah, having been in a meat factory, those slabs of meat are way too neat (but that whole set is pretty unconvincing - pretty sure they just turned another set into the "meat factory"), there would be blood everywhere but it wouldn't look good on tv and mess up Tanya's hair.

Art people wear glasses! Now you know. "Professor Munroe" - ffs. "I always ask a mark to marry me" - FORESHADOWING? "Certified National Bank" - please tell me this is not an actual bank... Yeah, brill idea to use Boz as the reverend. It's not like the con man has seen him or anything... What is that furry black/red atrocity Julie's wearing?

Wow, this Kris/Boz scene is even awful by faked Angels plot standards. To be honest, this con man is too stupid to live, lucky for him, most other people in the Angelverse are even dumber, unluckily there are three beautiful women who are just slightly above him. Why is Kelly art gallery lady's bridesmaid? How tragic is that? Their plan is basically to use and abuse this poor woman and her self-esteem? Wow. This is actually awful.

This pink jumpsuit really makes Tanya's boobs pop out. Such a beautiful wedding! And now the con man is starting to realise he got married 4 realz realz. Ooh, car chase, yeah, so this is a shot gun wedding and he's going to be held to his vows? For a man who plays the long con, he sure is short-sighted!

So, basically, he's going to be forced into being married to the art gallery woman in an unhappy marriage? If this doesn't end in a double homicide, it'll end with a couple of very sociopathic children - is this a happy ending? Or Charlie's Angels doing a film noir?

Taxi Angels - aka We Are Not Desperate For Plots, We Promise!

Ooof, a taxi parking in a no parking zone! How rude, thank Lord for this amazing bum. And this poor black guy who seems stuck in the disco era - didn't he hear disco is dead? Oouch, the taxi blew up, but lucky pre-Pam Ewing people could survive horrible explosions on prime time shows. Apparently this cab driver received a lot of horrible phone calls and stuff.

You know, whoever arranged this must've been mechanically inclined - thanks Kris.

No offense to you women out there, but what serious cab company would employ a woman, especially to drive in dubious shifts? It's dangerous enough today - 35+ years later, for a woman in that position and I wouldn't hire a woman for pure security reasons. Men are already put into danger in the cab business you know, but enough ranting... but anyway, Kelly is a cab driver, Kris is a slutty fast food girl and Julie is a "dispatcher"? And Julie Rogers... again, they use their real names. And yes, now you stood out in the open again, talked about the case again and now someone saw you again! YOU'RE UNDERCOVER IDIOTS. Sigh.

Terror scene 101 - always have a cat schreeching. Does she have like a combination of Veronica Lake-ish hair + Bo Derek dreads? Inspired. Black guy flower guy is probably my favourite character of this episode - I mean, the guy is an awful actor, but he amuses me. Notice Kelly's cab hat in this scene. Stock footage, the sure sign of a budget being cut. Oh, this guy is mentally ill. Actually, the scars of war shouldn't be joked about - my grandfather got obsessive about cleaning after returning from the WWII (after he was believed to have been dead for two years), oh am I drifting from this very interesting Charlie's Angels plot again? Sorry.

Oh, mentally ill person, don't tell the boss evil guy person about the Angels' nefarious plot to put you all in prison!!! Oh Kelly, you silly girl and your dysfunctioning cars. Maybe Charlie should stop putting you in cars at all at this point? Hey idiots, don't notice the man who is following and listening in on your conversation. Actually, Laurie's hair style is more Lauren Bacall + Bo Derek. It's amazing and I hope it comes back in style.

Ooh, this is sort of exciting - the mechanic is now telling Kelly juicy details; I honestly don't remember this episode so it's all new to me. Plot twists! Sarge's wife was killed so he might've gone psycho, but the mechanic is still a bit suspicious for me. A GUN! They used a gun! To open a door. Sarge is innocent - he died jumping between roofs and the mechanic - that bastard - is the guilty one! Go get 'im Angels!!!

Something's not right here - Julie keeps being brilliant

Kelly's going to have a little talk with Barnett, or the mechanic, or whatever. Way to not act nervously Kelly. Or Mr Mechanic. Julie runs out to save Kelly? It was an horribly acted scene by Tanya and you know... Jake the Mechanic flees and Kelly and Julie gets caught in a chase! I hope he dies. Is this the same place where they filmed "When I Think Of You" (kidding - sort of). Hey Jake, they are letting down their weapons so you could run now...

Bisarre episode. Maybe this should've been one of Farrah's come back episodes considering Jill was a professional race car driver (though no one sane believed that was true)

Angel On The Line - Hello nitwit Hello? I am going to kill you Clarice I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GO INTO A DARK ALLEY. No, just lonely to her car, this can't have anything to do with those thriller flicks and that new video violence influence! "Oh no Maggot (or whatever)"

Poor Louise. She was only visiting. I know this because they repeated it 300 times. Why would you send someone named Mary into a trap? That's a recipe for murder, Angels! Wait, they have a telephone at their table? This feels so retro. Yes, Mary, run from the private detectives that are supposed to protect you. Moron. At least it's only Kelly he wants now - "pretty face", which is true. I love Kelly <3

Kelly tells Kris and Julie the obvious - she's the next victim. If I had those two in my corner I'd start planning my will - just saying! Drag Queen who is effing with Kelly's mind. This is sort of a bottle episode - one stage, but that isn't true due to everything else. Julie and Kelly in the parking lot - yeah, sneaking up on someone who got a murder threat is a GREAT idea.

Yeeees! Split up! That's the best idea ever! This low-level 80s drag queen is giving me life. Kelly, this is why you shouldn't reveal your real name to people like murderers and such. "I'm taking a course in social studies and also, one in how to talk softly like a porno star" - Julie.

Oaw, is the low-level drag queen in on the act? I'm not scared, I'm not just running - run Kelly, run!!!!! Don't answer the phone, Clarice! Yes, throw away the phone and don't phone up your buds. Maybe it's because of Kelly's ugly fried perm?

Gee, Kell, who might you have given your identity to? But Boz has figured it out! Maybe. Low-level drag queen talks to Kelly... who could her phone caller be? Hmm... gays are evil. How original. Well, in tacky clothing like that, who could argue against evil, really?

I know what you're thinking - paranoja, slow down yo' ho' - but I can't be stopped. So it's time for...

Chorus Line Angels - we're on Broadway! And continuing the "line" theme, but I doubt it's a conscious decision by the showrunners and more likely this was the less crap script on the floor, which makes me wonder what sort of stuff got rejected in the writing room of Charlie's Angels.

Slutty chorus girl is kidnapped and homely woman who finances it is worried. Will they fool her into getting married too? "It's going to be very diffucult" - says Bosley about going under cover - uuuh, don't you pretty much think up ridiculous cover stories every week? So, Kelly will dance, Julie will act as her agent (yeah, that's believable) and Kris... is? An annoying journalist with a horrid attitude. Great covers, Angels - please don't screw them up by talking about them openly.

Speech impediment guy will be a good guy that everyone judges as a bad guy. Kelly gets hired because she's hot - good work Angel for being hot! No wonder Charlie hired Kelly, she has her talents! Pretty blonde girl is the bad guy, I think and the speech impediment guy is her fall guy. I love watching these episodes because it's almost like brand new to me, though parts of them come flashing through in my memory bank.

Dang, Kelly's got attitude! The Texas Dancing Elephant. I really like the sense of scenery they've got going on in season five as a random note - very much shadows on the walls, it feels like they are trying to go a bit Hitchcock; I've noticed this in a few episodes now. Kelly is so the next victim, but will she be locked in a cage this time is the question? For a show that's had so hard time recruiting (and kept the whole kidnapping thing a secret) it sure looks big budget!

Isn't it a bit sad that the most talented girl they can find is Kelly Garrett? Or Or if they had been a season six that would've been her write out line - "Hey Angels, Kelly's joined Broadway"? Speech impediment guy clearly forgets said impediment and speaks clearly to bad guy blonde hot girl. Always feel free to mock me if I'm wrong about the bad guy!

Lucky no one noticed the three Angels sitting and talking to eachother OPENLY about the case... you're undercover idiots! And now Kris is found out because of their idiocy. Well done Angels! Gee, Kelly and Julie didn't think it was suspicious at all that Kris didn't show up? Such a dramatic roll-n-drop.

I suppose you're a detective too
How'd you figure that out? - gee Kelly, maybe because you pulled a gun and saved Kris's life?

So the Angels give the cast a pep talk and they succeed. Then a lengthy show biz number? That's the end?

Wow, this is BS. It's like they couldn't be bothered to write a full episode. Wow. Nominee for the worst - or at least laziest episode ever.

Stuntwomen Angels - gee, I wonder what this episode is about, the title is so subtle...

Am I watching Arrow? So, basically, a long time after he got into the car, the arrow was meant for the executive guy? Ok, green arrow this ain't because that guy is a worthless shot. Kris actually has Kelly's old hairstyle right at this moment, while poor Kelly is stuck with some frizzy perm that's not flattering. No wonder Jaclyn wanted to leave after season five! LOL, I did laugh at Julie cheating at drawing straws - why couldn't they give Tiffany some of Julie's personality? Of all the things the Angels are put through, being STUNTWOMEN is the limit for them.

Drop dead.
Twice! - Boz isn't here to make friends.

Bosley is babbling demographic numbers - considering the ratings were freefalling at this point, this must be a pun towards ABC. Ages 18-49 is the most important demographic today, by the way. Oh, the boobie shot of Tanya laying down... why am I gay again? Charlie wants to go with another cover, but the Angels figure that someone may be suspicious if they change - REALLY? This is... no.

This episode is starting to feel like an excuse to fill it with stunt scenes (with the ladies looking hot, of course) but without having to write a script - "fight scene where Tanya shows off her impressive bossum" - taadaa, work done, drinks on me! How odd that this Robin Hood movie needed three stuntwomen who looks just like our Angels. Freaky stuntman movie actor is yelling that he's something-something. Gee, I wonder if he has a part in this...

We are making very little progress in this episode - ok that isn't exactly what Charlie said, but it might've been. I have only the outraged movie actor as a suspect right now, but we'll see. Maybe it's the director? I swear I've seen this episode before, but I'm starting to realise I have the memory of a goldfish 😨

You know, I think Charlie's Angels is trying to diversify by casting more black actors (or minorities, which is a silly term because there's nothing minor about that guy), but good for them. Am I the only one who noticed this tendency in season five? In reality though, isn't a huge part of the population of Los Angeles middle-eastern? Oh, whatever, I'll stop thinking and clap for their progressive thinking (at that time).

So weird security guard is weirdly obsessed. Yep, he's our bad guy - kill him Angels! Yeah chase scene, whatevs. I'm over this episode before it ended. Ooh, a dual deal. Kelly, girl, you in danger! It's hard to imagine pre-9/11 when you could smuggle a gun to a set.

Pretty ending.

(but these episodes leading up to end sort of... sucks?)

Dear Lord. I haven't watched a Charlie's Angels episode in so long, but for some reason I got bored with season five. Not offended by the lack of quality t&a, just bored. Not sure how I can continue 😱