MovieChat Forums > Thirst Discussion > They didn't like my word choice, so I'm ...

They didn't like my word choice, so I'm posting my review here.


I gave this three stars because, let's face it, the filming location
was pretty damned awesome. That gets all three stars. Now I'll explain
the seven BLANK stars I did not give it. The basic plot is that a bunch
of wayward teens are sent to a survival/confrontational/scared straight
program by their parents for the purpose of making them...see the
light? Learn to survive in the wild? While the movie makes absolutely
certain that you understand that these kids will be changed forever,
it's less specific on exactly how this will happen. Anybody who has
ever been a teenager can tell you, being forcibly extracted from your
home without warning or explanation, being bullied and forced to endure
discomfort is the quickest way to straighten a kid out. But even THIS
isn't in the top five Most Preposterous Issues with this Movie. In
fact, I like to think of that little logic hiccup as a kind of a warm
up for the REAL *beep* you're about to have to swallow. For starters,
we hit all the Teen Age Angst Plot Points, which I shall relate
directly: A group of kids who's parents simply DO NOT GET IT. A
self-absorbed, white suburbia kid with an attitude problem who presents
a tough persona until we find out, he's ACTUALLY A COWARD! SURPRISE! A
teenage protagonist who lost his parents but is bitchin' rad on a four
wheeler. A black kid who is there for hacking into the NSA. No, I'm not
saying black kids can't hack, of course they can, but when you're that
heavy handed on proving how unracist you are, you come off as, well,
kinda racist. A tough chick whose defense mechanism is to push
everybody away, until you get to see her sensitive side. Then, you
realize all along how wrong you were and she's the one for you. A hot,
bitchy chick who will not, under any circumstances, pee outdoors.

So, now that we know the players (and really, you already KNEW the
players) let's examine the lose set of events that struggle to make up
a plot: A mindless, savage, predatory alien devoid of communication
skills and incapable of making it's most basic needs known but has
mastered faster than light intergalactic travel, crashes. Yea. Tough
break, because said alien is also female, metal and gravid with eggs.
Oh yea, sure, you can ASK, but it doesn't make an ounce of sense. Now,
this Metaloidia from Planet Wudafuq needs.....blood? Human hosts? The
rays of a yellow sun? The movie kinda glosses over this, but whatever
it is, the alien harvests it from people by projecting a thingymabobber
from it's chest into YOUR chest and sucking you dry. Nope, I'm being
serious as a heart attack. And wipe that smile off your face, these
kids have taken enough crap from adults like you that SIMPLY DO NOT GET
IT. Next, the only people aware of this are the teen age kids and not a
single adult will believe or help them because THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!
These kids are trying to explain! They really are! But adults simply
lack the ability to hear them! The black kid who hacked into NSA builds
all manner of elaborate traps and defensive measures and he almost,
damn near, saves the day before dying heroically. The protagonist teen
uses his bitchin' rad 4 wheeler skills to defeat the alien and rescue
the tough chick whom he has recently fallen in love with. Yep, bitchin'
rad skills. To help aid in his quest to rescue the fair maiden, he has
firearms and grenades because, why the *beep* not. (Honestly, by this
time, I had quit trying to make sense of the movie and was more
interested in what Redbox was going to do with my buck fifty.) Keep in
mind, the alien is as ubiquitous as Santa Clause. I mean, this goddamn
thing is EVERYWHERE. And finally, at the end when the remaining teens
are able to put aside their Breakfast Club differences and work
together to defeat this monster, only THEN does the proper law
enforcement show up. Maybe NOW the parents of these noble and angst
ridden teens will listen to them.

The greatest trick the devil ever played, was the one where you pick a card, then he shuffles....

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