This film is a strong portrayal of an abustle rekationship from my point of view, from both people. We see Dan get repeatidly hurt by Mel, whilst we see him in retaliation try to find alternatives to her, and how it's shows the victim coming back for more like a continuous toxic cycle. Did anyone else feel this way?
shareYes. If it was like this from the beginning, I don't know how he stayed with her that long.
shareIt's absolutely an abusive relationship, but the abuse is not one-sided. I'm going to copy/paste myself from another thread because it seems kinda stupid to rewrite the same points:
Dan was physically abusive toward Mel as well. The only reason Dan was the one who kept winding up in the ER was because he was such a klutz. First he falls down in the course of physically fighting a drunk person for her keys (a bad idea from the outset), then he steps on broken glass after hitting her 'cause he's just not looking. And of course he went to jail because the police saw him sitting on top of her, holding her down on the ground and physically fighting with her.
The abuse was totally mutual.
What I thought was interesting about that was how thoroughly he had her gaslit into believing it was all always her fault.
It was nuts on both their parts.
I wouldn't worry about either of them doing the same in future with someone else, however. I mean I think Dan will always be passive-aggressive, engage in gaslighting, and play victim; and Mel will always have a temper and later apologize, with real guilt (whether it's warranted or not), in order to end an argument or estrangement; but I don't think either of them will get into physical fights with a romantic partner again. At least, probably not. It seemed to be something they brought out in each other.
"We gotta get outta here." "I know, I can't stand this music!"
Can you provide a specific example of Dan gaslighting Mel? I don't quite see it that way.
shareYes! Thank you! I had the same feeling. In fact, it reminded me of this self-help book written by Lundy Bancroft ("Why does he do that?"). I don't necessarily think he was physically abusing her, but on his part I feel there was definitely emotional abuse going on (probably without him wanting to, but we could say the same thing about her).
Okay, so let's get one thing out of the way: it's a bad thing to drive drunk, and she also shouldn't have been physically fighting with him.
What's more interesting is how he constantly criticizes her (her driving drunk - okay, but also her partying, and smoking, even though we see him smoking pot as well!), while taking NO responsibility for his own actions. Like promising to leave after one drink, but staying, and actually cheating, and lying about it later. Like indeed deciding to take a job, without consulting her (even though his choice is understandable, it doesn't leave much room for her opinion).
It's a nasty downward spiral and both of them aren't mature enough to break it. I certainly don't think it's all Mel who's to blame.
It was an abusive, immature relationship ON BOTH SIDES. It's actually quite appalling how females on this board are picking him as the good guy in all this, and her as the evil spawn.
Mel is a party college girl, as many kids are, so I won't bring her behaviour into play because people of that age like to go out, drink and have fun. -- Her main fault is her explosive reactions to things regarding Dan.
Dan is a young 20 something year old who also likes to party. He may not be at all the same parties as Mel but he's still drinking and going out, perhaps with a different crowd. -- His main fault is his lack of openness and communication with Mel. He obviously wants to see what it's like to be with other women, but he also wants to keep Mel around because he "loves her". He knows the job offer will be taking him to NYC, but instead of telling her that this may happen, he springs it on her after he's already decided to go, which causes more explosiveness from her.
I find most of her violence towards him comes when things are sprung on her (text message exposing his 1st cheating offense, 2nd was walking in on him cheating again and 3rd when he tells her he's moving to NYC).
I think most people man or woman would be upset if Dan's 3 actions happened to them.
It was just a relationship of 2 immature people who can't deal with real things in a constructive way.
Good points. To be honest, I thought the same way as the other posters you mentioned because its just the obvious way to look at it. But you have to dig deeper, like you did, to see the whole picture.
shareI didn't
to me she was a stupid person, she is like the person who would trip and fall and accidentally kick the bed or the closet or chairs
i think the word is clumsy, she didn't mean to hurt him in the couple of times she did
she just pushed him twice not meaning to cause any physical harm to him
and all he did was try to contain her and prevent her from causing physical harm to him
abusive relationships in my opinion would be when one of them would actually mean to cause physical harm to the other, intentionally punch the other.
It is never about what happened, it is only how you look at it!
I agree.
The head injury and the stepping on glass thing were completely accidental. In the yard, she didn't start throwing punches; she tried to walk away to cool down and he kept grabbing her to talk to her. That triggered her after she specifically asked not to be touched and she was pretty clearly in the middle of a panic attack.
(I'm really surprised at how little discussion of mental illness there has been on here. Not saying that justifies violence, but I personally perceived Mel as having extreme social anxiety, panic attacks, and borderline personality disorder but she tried extremely hard to keep it in check, to be supportive and pleasant to Dan. She was terrified of his friends and saw them as a threat, yet she didn't try to isolate him from them.)
What was hardest to watch was how random distracting accidents (the two injuries and the cops coming) stopped them from talking out their problems and getting any resolution. She just apologizes incessantly and he sulks, instead of actually communicating.
They were young and naive without much experience
if they were more mature they would've picked a time to sit down and talk about all that but they kept letting accidents stop the communication except after he was arrested, i understand how hurt he was and that he couldn't talk at that point
i think she didn't like hanging out with his friends more than seeing them as a threat.
It is never about what happened, it is only how you look at it!
Thank you so much for this comment. I just finished watching this movie and reading all the negative comments directed at Mel without any real understanding for her is really upsetting.
I have generalized anxiety and borderline personality disorder, and as much as it pains me to say it, I saw a lot of myself in Mel. I'm not saying this movie is a perfectly accurate portrayal of mental illness, and maybe that's not what they had in mind at all and the similarities are completely coincidental. But it still hit pretty close to home.
I know that it must be difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that, but it's not like we want to be that way. What someone like Mel needs is a partner who will understand that and won't make her feel even worse about herself and her reactions, which she has little control over.