A Navid Sitarian Review of the 87th Academy Awards

There are so many things I can say about this year's Oscars. Many things. At the risk of sounding bland and self-important, as one reviewer pointed out in my review of last's years Oscars, I will be as accommodating to your wishes as I can be.

The 87th Academy Awards were......lame.

Purely lame. I have never felt so bored out of my mind as I felt during this year's Oscars. It was uninteresting, predictable, cheesy, and pretentious.

More pretentious than ever. Virtually everything that had been done before was replicated today. I was waiting for Snow White to come out and do her thing. Instead we got Neil Patrick Harris.

Wow, where do I start? Well, it appears that he likes to appear in his underwear, hug and kiss men, and wants to try and be a magician. I was waiting for him to do a magic trick where he can completely disappear. It was obvious that he was trying hard to be funny. Let me tell you, seeing Neil Patrick Harris trying to be funny is like seeing Dick Cheney trying to do a lounge act at LAX.

Birdman won Best Picture. Umm, pfffffft. Hardly. All the movie was about is a washed up actor that wants to mount a comeback onstage. It was purely overrated and ultimately forgettable. But, when you have a PRETTY fallow year in film.....I was hoping Kirk Cameron's movie would be nominated.

Patrick Arquette should get an award for Best mumbler. Whether she was drunk or high on Methadone, she was giving a speech on how women should get equal wages. Patricia, kiss my ass. Oprah is the highest paid woman in the world (same for Sheryl Strindberg and countless other housewives) and deep down, your id wishes you would be put in the next Avengers movie where you could make more money than your accountant would even care to make.

PFFFFFFT!!!!

J.K. Simmons won the Oscar not just for Whiplash, but for reminding us to sign up for an insurance agency that would likely screw us out of our bank accounts. We are Farmers, bum ba bum ba bum bum bum.

Eddie Redmayne, um, won because he played a guy with a disability. It seems every time you do a movie about AIDS, homosexuality, the holocaust, if your penis is too small, the awards will come. Maybe I should play a guy with hemorrhoids and merit a standing ovation from the mostly overpaid and mostly white audience.

Julianne Moore, thank you for your gorgeous performance in Still Alice, where you played a woman with Alzheimer's. I also want to thank her for the many nude scenes that she did throughout her career where by the end of them, I had to go wash my hands so I would not make a mess on the carpet.

Okay, Lady Gaga. Jesus. I wish I can say that she has a gorgeous singing voice, but I have a feeling that it was a secret voice being projected in a stereo. Lady Gaga is too stoned to sound anywhere as nice as THAT voice. I bet the producers paid Julie Andrews a fartload of money to show up and be nice to Lady Gaga.

Sigh. How many times did I tell those two fruitcakes, Neil Moron and Craig Zebra, to put the performance DURING the In Memoriam montage, not after?

PFFFTTTT!!!

I have nothing more to say. Next year, get a COMEDIAN (either Tina Fey or Amy Poehler or Ricky Gervais). Next year, make better movies. No more, "HEY EVERYBODY, DID YOU SEE MY PENIS?!!!" hosts.

Grade: F

Navid Sitarian
February 22, 2015

P.S. Actually, let's get Terrence Howard to host. That would be interesting.