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The "free pizza" speech destroyed any sympathy I had for Evan

posted 8 years ago by mikelippenkrantz
41 replies | jump to latest

This movie was bad. One of the worst films I've ever seen. (And I've seen almost every episode of "MST3K" and it's spinoffs.) I don't ask a lot out of cinema. Only two things. 1) Don't bore me. 2) Give me somebody to root for. The second is the most important. Now I don't necessarily mean every movie I see needs a Rocky Balboa type of hero in it. I just mean, give me 1 person that I can relate to on some level, that I can get emotionally involved with. Someone who's not an *beep* Someone I'd want to associate with.
For this movie, that guy is supposed to be Evan. We're supposed to be rooting that he survives this nightmare. But then, during his long speech where he defends what a good father and husband he is, in an almost schizophrenic mood swing, he says that the sex the girls gave him was "free pizza. What else was I supposed to do?"
After that, I had no one to root for in this movie. Except maybe the Mom. (Who acted more like a robot than a human being, so that's out.)
(There might be spoilers ahead. Fair warning.) I know Chris Rock said it's hard for men to run from sex, but it is possible. Evan didn't know these girls. He didn't know if one word they said (especially about being "flight attendants") was true. And he certainly did not know if they were underage. (I never once believed they were underage because the actresses simply LOOK like they're in their early 20s. But I tried to suspend my disbelief.) It doesn't matter how naked, wet, and horny they were, they had worn out their welcome and crossed the line from being "guests" to "intruders." So, Evan, you should have called the police on that "free pizza" the second you saw them naked in your bathroom. You might not have deserved to get stabbed and tortured like you did, but you brought it on yourself.
And the way he described it-"free pizza." That's such a heartless and insensitive way to describe the intimate relations he had with them. This suggests he's probably had "free pizza" before. He expected the girls to just disappear without a trace the morning after, judging by his reaction to finding them still in his house. So after that, I had no one to root for in this movie, and I HATE that. Especially in horror movies. Everybody else liked "Excision" and "Stoker" except me. Everyone in "Excision" was an *beep* and everyone in "Stoker" was a freak. But as I said, even in movies where I go in knowing that it's going to be riffable (and this one certainly is, I hope the guys at Rifftrax go after it soon), I ask to not be bored and have soemone-anyone!-to relate to, to ride with. If you can't give me that 1 person, then I'm probably not going to enjoy your movie.

[–] CharmingAss_hole 8 years ago

If you need a character to relate to in every movie you see, then you're not exactly the objective type. That said, everyone's entitled to their own checklist.

Now, as for your disdain for the free pizza analogy, you may not enjoy the callousness of his choice of words, but it is a fairly accurate analogy considering how unrelenting they were in offering themselves to him even after he exhibited more than once that he wasn't interested at first. Maybe you aren't a very desirable guy and haven't had an attractive girl throw herself at you, but each person has buttons that if pushed, make it impossible to resist. Having those two girls ignore your efforts to resist and go down on you would challenge the willpower of almost every man. Plus his wife hadn't fuhcked him for three weeks. Those crazy broads were by far worse than he was. So root for the lesser of all evils.

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe f_uck yourself.

[–] BigDDD 8 years ago

He was kinda a pussy as well, he got taken down several times by people who tied him up and raped him. He was useless

[–] ThoseLittleRabbits 7 years ago

exactly what i thought. he could have easily snatched the gun out of her hand. but instead have him act like a dumb broad in a horror movie tripping over things

i've got feelings too, ya know - inbetweeners

http://melanoidnation.org/white-man-warns-all-black

[–] Kowalski (57178) 3 years ago

HE ISN'T JOHN WICK IN EVERYTHING.

[–] wiiztec (235) 3 years ago

Free pizza can't pull your pants down

[–] Kowalski (57178) 3 years ago

YOU'VE JUST BEEN ORDERING YOUR PIES FROM THE WRONG PLACE.🙂

[–] seanchughes07 8 years ago

Well put. I agree with you 100%. I couldn't figure out what is was about this movie I didn't like (there are so many things) but after reading your post it was because I had no one to root for. I am a husband and father and I would never let my d**k think for me.

I would have handed them the phone from the door and/or offered to call them a cab, but there's no way in gods green earth I would let two scantily-clad females into my house if my wife weren't home.

I really like Keanu Reeves. His personal life is fraught with sadness and loss so I have always rooted for him. However, I have my limits. This movie is abysmal. The actress who portrays his wife couldn't act her way out of a wet sack and his acting in this is the worst I have ever seen from him.

I haven't finished the movie yet. I have other stuff to do and I can't justify wasting any more time on it. I just got to the scene where one of them came in wearing his daughter's school uniform while he was four-pointed to the bed and proceeded to ride/rape him like a rented pony. At this point I would be digging a big hole and going to the hardware store for a big sack of lye.

[–] mikelippenkrantz 8 years ago

Don't bother finishing it. The stupidity and the bad acting of Keanu just continues to grow and grow until the movie just kinda...stops. It's almost as if they forgot to film an ending.
And good for you for wanting to do the honorable thing! The previous comments had me thinking "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe men can't run from sex." I'm glad you commented.😁

[–] quangjle 8 years ago

People say lots of things. The above poster might say this, but if he were in the exact situation, I doubt it would be that simple. Especially if you think you can get away with it without hurting anyone, and your wife hasn't laid you in 3 weeks. And after resisting for over an hour...It was more of a case of entrapment. Both sides are wrong in their own way. But it is not a black and white case.

[–] dxben99 8 years ago

Words don't define who you are. Actions do. To all the guys saying, why did Evan go for it, and you would not have done it, I'd like to see you in the exact same situation! I call bs on most of you!

And though Evan might lose sympathy Points since he IS cheating on his wife, the two b-tches were crazy as f-ck. So, yea, like another poster said, go with the lesser of the two evils.

BTW, I think the movie was mediocre at best.

[–] fire-baby 8 years ago

That's such a heartless and insensitive way to describe the intimate relations he had with them.... He expected the girls to just disappear without a trace the morning after, judging by his reaction to finding them still in his house.

this. intimate what? they *beep* lmao there was no intimacy, and usually booty calls/one night stands don't have the person lingering in the morning, do they?.... and there's nothing to suggest he cheated before, so.... i don't know you, at all, so forgive my brazen assumption, but reading your post IMHO reveals more about your life, which is fine, but the movie/characters aren't your life....

It's mercy, compassion and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality...

[–] lazarillo 8 years ago

I don't know if you're supposed yo feel great sympathy for him. The role in the original was played by Seymour Cassell, who is not the Hollywood hero/hunk that Keanu Reeves is, so he came off as much more of an anti-hero.

What he said is also largely true. I would reckon the vast majority of married "family men" would be just as susceptible to this kind of seduction. Of course, there are not a lot of sexy young women going around doing things like this fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view).

"Let be be finale of seem/ The only emperor is the Emperor of Ice Cream"

[–] Silent_Bob01 8 years ago

C'mon, what are we really talking about here?

Just how much temptation can a man be expected to resist? "Intimate relations"?? They *beep* Hard and dirty...there was nothing intimate about it.

Again, I have to stress that I'm not condoning cheating, but EVERYONE has a breaking point. I'm not married, but I'm not willing to say that there is NO way under which I wouldn't be tempted by two hot 20-somethings at some point were I in his position.

I'm just not, and most men should admit it as well.

And you can't hold his "free pizza" rant against him...he had been tied to a damn chair and tortured. Let's see what kind of crazy *beep* comes out of your mouth when you're in a similar position.

[–] quangjle 8 years ago

Bravo. 100% agree with you Silent_Bob.

[–] Geijutsu12 8 years ago

"That's such a heartless and insensitive way to describe the intimate relations he had with them"

wat?!

[–] MinimallyTalentedSpoiledBrat 8 years ago

Whatever you think about Evan's character,he doesn't deserve what happened.

It is like Gone Girl 's Affleck character.He may be a bad husband but he doesn't deserve what it happened him

[–] mikelippenkrantz 8 years ago

I did say he didn't deserve to be tortured in my original post. Nobody deserves to be tortured, for any reason. But I'm saying because he let these strangers into his home and play that "Am I Underage Or Not" mind game, they had the power and the ability to torture him.

[–] batterygross 8 years ago

I dont understand how he can be so weak
He could have taken them at least twise in this movie, .

About the cheating part.... EVERYONE would do it. the girls started giving him a BJ, and not some 2 ugly girls, 2 freaking hot young girls started blowing him naked

ANY MAN here, saying he would not do anything is talking crap.

He fought it, he said no, he moved from them, when 2 hot girls get naked and start sucking on you, you have sex!

but really, this movie had NO point, if he was the one to start all this with the girls then maybe, but it was not him starting anything.

[–] fxdiamond 8 years ago

all the nonsense aside if this was some old cougar versus 2 young boys, the situation would be entirely different and we ll know who everyone would be sticking up for.

poor keanu he tries to do the right thing and every one still takes the innocent girl's side.

[–] hindsights5150 8 years ago

you're an idiot. Some people have morals and can have self control or just no desire to be with someone other that their wife. And some guy's have hot wives so these girls wouldn't be offering him something he isn't already getting.

[–] Thorshairspray 8 years ago

Speak for yourself.

[–] BennyM 7 years ago

And some guys are afraid their wives read what they write on IMDb.