Season 4 episode 11 (parody)

(Scene: Borehole 10x. The crew is "airlifting" the chamber. A word similar to "airlifting" is "blowing". As in "blowing air into a hole", "blowing a bunch of money on an unproductive project", "blowing any chance at syndication", and "blowing the Oak Island Crew's last shred of credibility". See also, "fritter", "tarry", "dawdle", "fiddle", and "lollygag".)

Marty: "Airlifting 10x is the right thing to do. Of course, we thought it was the right thing to do in Season One, too, but things have changed a lot since then. The crazy man found a button on the Ball lot, and there's an unsubstantiated rumor a raccoon fell down 10x in the fall of '15. Could you imagine if we found that? Talk about an 'a-ha!' moment!"

Worker to Worker, yelling over the noise of the equipment: "HOW'S THE WATER IN THE HOLE??"

Marty: (laughs to himself)

Dan: "I think there's a corpse down there! When I saw her, she seemed to be resting peacefully, so I didn't disturb her. Dave went down later and had relations with her, but we don't tell no one about that (fails to realize cameras are rolling). I tell ya, fellers, it gets kinda lonely out here on the island!"

[Flashback to Dan in the War Room]: "I found THIS in 10x (slides a paperclip across the table)!", "I found THIS in 10x (slides a paneling nail across the table)!", "I found THIS in 10x (slides a piece of iron, clearly from the caissons he used to construct 10x)! I dated all this stuff to the 1490's! I think Christopher Columbus was down in 10x!!"

Rick and Marty: "Wow!"

Return to scene at 10x

Rick: "Dan, does airlifting that water out of there concern you at all?"

Marty, interrupting: "By the way, why do we have to use the word "airlift"?!? I want to say, "PUMP"! We're gonna PUMP something! We're gonna PUMP 10x, Brother! Oh yeah, let's get our PUMP on! (walks around, furiously gyrating his hips back and forth)"

Dan: "haha... Marty looks like Dave and the corpse! But seriously, fellas, I worry about the area around 212' to 214'. It might collapse."

Narrator, while a cartoonish illustration plays on screen: "Removing the water might cause the pipe where the weak rock strata is located to collapse, forever rendering the chamber in 10x to be inaccessible." (Nobody questions why the illustration STILL shows a wooden post supporting the roof of 10x.)

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(Scene: Inspection of the Spoils, also known as "I Guess We Have to Allow Jack to do Something")

Charles: "That's a bone! Hey, I found a bone! Look everyone, a bone! Here's a bone! A bone!"

Marty: "This is great!"

Charles: "I know! As the official 'Island Historian', I am elated to have found a potentially historic item!"

Marty: "Oh. Yeah. I was just thinking it was great, because... well, you know... the word 'bone' could also mean... ummmm... forget it! You're right! This is a great historic find!

(turns away, takes a step, yells, "CHARLES FOUND A BONE!... IN THE HOLE! (pause for effect, nobody laughs) "I MEAN... C'MON, PEOPLE! CHARLES' BONE WAS IN THE HOLE?! HAHAHA

Oak Island Crew: (shaking heads, rolling eyes)

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(Scene: Off-site, Jack Begley and Craig Tester further inspect the "Spoils")

Jack: "Look at this wood!"

Camera flashes to Marty, off-screen: (laughs loudly, shakes head affirmatively)

Jack, hands the wood to Craig: "This looks just like the wood I saw in Dan's original film!"

Craig: "What in the hell are you talking about?!? You know you couldn't see a gall-darn thing in that video! C'mon, Jack, we're supposed to stretch the truth to keep viewer interest, but we're not supposed to spew bald-faced LIES!"

(Craig looks at camera man): "Let's shoot that scene again."

Camera man: "Sorry. You know those budget constraints they talked about last week? They are very real. They removed all the rewind buttons on the cameras. It's "one-take" from here on out. It will be like filming an Eastwood flick around here! The buttons are metal. Rick said they pan to bury them on one of the Ball lots."

Jack: (trying again, marching orders firmly understood) "Hey, does this look like pitch to you?"

Craig, after being previously told to agree with every outlandish theory: "Eh, could be!"

Narrator: "Pitch, also known as resin, was used by early settlers to patch gold to other pieces of gold before the gold was placed inside treasure chests, which were also sealed with pitch. The sticky substance was also used to patch ships transporting gold. Many Templar ship-makers slopped the pitch on the tips of railroad spikes to help keep the spikes and long wooden planks in place."

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(Scene: War Room to discuss all the valuable items found in the Spoils)

Crickets chirping

(Scene: War Room to discus all the crap they found in the Spoils)

Jack: "Dan, I'd like for you to see this piece of wood (hands it to Dan)."

Dan: (lick-lick, smell-smell, taste-taste) "That's from March 1867!"

Jack: "So that's nothing you put in there?"

Dan: "HELL NO! How old do you think I am, son?? I said it's from 1867! I was born in 1872! I couldn't have POSSIBLY put that wood in there!"

Jack: "Sorry, Dan. They're allowing me do a lot of talking in this scene, and it's obvious I can't handle it."

"But, hey, we sort of found some sort of wood with some sort of black substance of some sort. Would you have put that down there?"

Crown Time Dave: (Saying what every single viewer is yelling at their television sets) "Jack, we drilled. Why would we be throwing sh[BLEEP]it in?!?"

Camera quickly flashes to 10x. The off-duty digging crew nonchalantly throws their lunch trash down the hole

Back to War Room

Marty, waist up: "It's nothing Dan put there. It's nothing which could have fallen in over the years. It's nothing that could have come from any other source anywhere. The only conclusion to possibly reach is that the wood was placed there by an underground species who made their home underneath the island. That's the only logical conclusion."

Rick, waist up: "Well, other than your forgot to add that they had huge amounts of gold down there!"

Marty, waist up: "No question."

Back in War Room:

Rick: "We have to date it. If they come back as an 'A-ha!', then we aren't done with 10x!"

Marty: "So there's no 'X' on 10x?"

Crown Time Dave: "Da[BLEEP]mn you guys! All of a sudden, I'm thirsty for a Dos Equis!"

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(Scene: Smith's Cove. The crew has hired 'Nervous Jeremy' to build a cofferdam)

Nervous Jeremy: "The first thing we are going to do is to search the water to make sure there are no shar--, sharp objects..."

Rick: "I thought you were going to say 'sharks'!"

Marty: "I thought you were going to say 'sharp penises'. That's just the way my mind works!"

Rick: "This is history in the making!"

Nervous Jeremy: (lispy) "S-s-sounds S-s-super!"

Narrator: "The crew will place a cofferdam around the area, because the way it is today is exactly the way the water level was in 1795. Well, except for the massive amounts of gold which was served to raise the water level substantially."

Dan Henskee: (walking around aimlessly in knee-deep water)

Rick, off camera, very confidently: "Dan Henskee knows exactly where to dig. Dan Blankenship was actually around in 1795. He used to play in the box drains as a kid, and he has told Dan Henskee where to look."

Dan Henskee: (flips a coin, throws a dart, then points down to a completely random location)

Rick, to camera: "Are there box drains in Smith's Cove? We know there's coconut fiber! And simple logic tells you that where there's coconut fiber, there's box drains! Haven't any of you ever seen Gilligan's Island?!? The professor made a radio out of a coconut! I contend there were radios stuffed in the box drains on Gilligan's Island! It's so simple!"

Sound from Smith's Cove: BOOM!

Camera pans to Nervous Jeremy in knee-deep water crying

Jack: "These pretzels... are.. making me thirsty. I mean: Oh, No!"

Keanu Reaves steps in to give Jack acting lessons: "Oh. No. There. Is. Water. Everywhere."

Nervous Jeremy: "You're still going to pay me, right? Anyone have any duct tape?"

Rick: "What made it pop like that?"

In the distance, J. Hutton Pulitzer can be seen quietly swimming from the Cove out to sea. The genuine, fake patina-laden sword he used to pop the dam is held firmly between his teeth.

Oak Island Crew: "That's Oak Island for ya!"

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(Scene: War Room. The crew meets with David Troutman, son of James Troutman, a man who worked with Robert Dunfield and was committed to utterly destroying every inch of the island, piece-by-piece.

Island Destroyer Troutman: "FDR was a Mason, a Templar, a member of the Illuminati, a slave, a slave owner, and, in his early 20's, worked directly for Marie Antoinette.

Rick: "I've always said this was in information hunt as well as a treasure hunt!"

Charles: "You've always said that!"

Rick: "Well, I really didn't start saying that until Year 4 or 5, after I realized there was absolutely no chance of hunting treasure."

Island Destroyer Troutman: "Who wants to go to the FDR museum?"

Jack: "A field trip?! GOODY!"

Charles: "Oh, yeah! I can't think of any of us who would turn that down! Unless, of course, the seasons change from fall to winter and 'Mr. Lucky', Alex 'Road Trip' Lagina, magically appears. That would be a bummer!"

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(Scene: Rick and Alex driving 700(!) miles to the FDR Museum)

Alex: "I hope we have more luck than our search for the 90-foot stone."

Rick: "You know that thing never existed, right?" (looks at dashboard, realizes camera is rolling) "I mean, Yeah, I don't know why you couldn't find it in the baseboards of random homes and buildings in a far off land. Oh well, maybe next time. Hey, if we continue with our current plan of re-doing all of our searches after a three-year waiting period, you should be filming the (finger quotes) search (end finger quotes) for the non-existent stone sometime in 2020!"
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(Scene: FDR Museum)

Rick: "No one has ever come here before to look for Oak Island information."

Large group, including J. Hutton Pulitzer, Robert Dunfield, William Chappel, Gilbert Hedden, the Restalls, and the 1704 hag are seen together, each violently shaking their head 'No'

Narrator: "Could it be that one of the most powerful, secretive, Masonic Presidents of the United States knew the secrets of Oak Island? Why would someone so important devote so much of his life to hunt for treasure on the island?"

Flashback Scene, circa 1909. A young Franklin Delano Roosevelt arrives on Oak Island by boat. He steps off the boat, lights his pipe, poses for one photo, gets back on the boat, and sails back to his family's summer home, never to be seen anywhere near Oak Island again.