Season 4 episode 12 (parody)

Scene: FDR Museum with Island Destroyer Paul Troutman, Alex, and Rick.

We pick up where we left off last week's miserable episode... because we just can't get enough of dead-end searches.

Island Destroyer Troutman: "Look at this letter just handed to me off-camera by the show's Director. It clearly states that FDR was convinced the treasure of Oak Island consisted of the crown jewels of Marie Antoinette."

Rick leans in to get a close look and to touch the letter

Island Destroyer Troutman: "DON'T TOUCH THAT! The ink is still wet!"

Rick, to camera, regarding the FDR/crown jewels revelation: "I was dumbfounded by it. But it begs more questions. Like where was the information sourced from? Why did FDR believe this? And why won't Island Destroyer Troutman take my suggestion and use a breath mint? UGH!"

Narrator: "According to legend made up by our Writing Staff, one of Marie Antoinette's servants, referred to as a 'Lady-in-waiting', was instructed to take her jewels, and her head after the decapitation, to a safe place. So, of course, she went to the nearest country -- CANADA! Wait... Canada?!? REALLY, peop---"

Director: "CUT! You watch your a$$, Clotworthy!"

Narrator: "Although some of the jewels were found in Europe, some were never found. And that obviously means the 'unfound' jewels are probably in some neighboring country like Spain, Italy, or even Germany (Narrator receives a shock from a cattle prod held by the show's producer)... OUCH! Ummm, I mean they were undoubtedly buried in a chamber 170 feet beneath the ground of an island 3,000 miles from Marie Antoinette's throne in France."

Rick "This is very interesting. How do you think FDR first came to suspect the treasure of Oak Island consisted of the crown jewels?"

Island Destroyer Troutman: "It had to be something FDR researched or something someone had told him. Or he could have been just throwing darts like the rest of us. Who knows?"

Alex: "Hey, remember that shiny gold object! I'm not saying it was the crown jewels... but it most definitely is!"

Rick: "The question is: Who is the Lady-in-waiting? If we locate her, we may locate the lost crown jewels. Plus, I could use the company. Have you seen the quality of women on Tinder up in this area? Ugh! I've developed carpal tunnel swiping to the left!"

Marty, off camera: "THAT'S not the reason you've got carpal tunnel, Big Bro'! hee hee"!

______________________________________

Scene: New York City hotel room. Rick sits alone, Marty appears on the computer screen, ready to video chat

Marty: "New York City! Whatta ya think?"

Rick: "It's dynamic. It's incredible."

Marty: "Yeah, the city is something else, isn't it?"

Rick: "Oh, the city?? I thought you were asking about the $10 million dollar button we found on the Ball lot!" (reaches in pocket, playfully flips button up in the air)

Marty: (dejected facepalm) "Ummmmm... no, unfortunately. Sooooo... what did you find out today at the FDR Museum?"

Rick: "FDR believed Marie Antoinette's Lady-in-waiting took the crown jewels, went to Canada, then to Nova Scotia, and was headed over to Dan's house. On her way, though, she stopped to bury the jewels in Mahone Bay."

Marty: "Sounds plausible. But Mahone Bay?!? What does THAT have to do with our search on Oak Island??"
__________
FLASHBACK SCENE: War Room with Templar Gold Expert Zena Halpern on speakerphone

Zena Halpern's voice: "Templar gold, templar gold, templar gold. Templar, Templar, Templar, gold, gold, gold. All my roads lead to Templar gold!"
__________
Scene shifts back to Rick's hotel room

Marty: "Sounds like you need to go see Zena Halpern in person, Big Bro'! Just think, though, women named Zena simply have to be hot, right?"

Rick: "Gee, I hope so. I could use a break."

Marty, leaning closer to his screen, taking a look around the room: (Unimpressed) "Big Bro', those budget constraints we talked about last week must be very real, huh? What is that, a Motel 6? I don't even think he 'left the light on for ya', if ya know what I mean... geeesh!"

___________________________________________

Scene: The Roslyn, New York home of hopefully-hot Zena Halpern. Alex and Rick pull into the driveway and are met by a hunch-backed Hobbit. Rick lets out an audible groan as he exits the vehicle

Narrator: "We remember Zena from a previous episode, where she came into possession of three, potentially authentic maps which potentially give clues to a potential treasure potentially buried on Oak Island. Her maps showed familiar sites around the Island... except for one labeled "The Hatch". As you might remember, we hyped "The Hatch" for at least two episodes, and it turned out to be nothing more than someone's root cellar. Since it's been more than one episode ago, we figure you've forgotten, so we'll continue to bring it back up as if it had some significance. Could it be?"

Zena the hunch-backed Hobbit: "In 1178-1180, Templar Ralph Day Sutherland was sent on a mission to recover ancient scrolls hidden in North America."

Rick: "How is this relevant?"

Zena the hunch-backed Hobbit: "Just like everyone else, they stopped off at Oak Island, of course!"

Rick: "Let me stop you right there. We have a contract that says we lose the island if anything prior to 1600 is discovered. Are you suuuuuure this Templar was in the 1180's? Or was it somewhere closer to 1600? Take your time and think about your answer."

Zena the hunch-backed Hobbit: "You are correct, sir! I was just testing you to see if you were listening! Templar Ralph Day Sutherland took those ancient scrolls to Oak Island in 1601! We know this because he called Dan Blankenship after he arrived on the island, and we've researched Dan's phone records."

Rick: "Finally, an 'A-ha!' moment!"

Zena the hunch-backed Hobbit: "We also know Templar Sutherland carved letters in the 'H-O Stone'. As you can see here (shows an alleged photograph of the alleged recovered pieces of the alleged imploded stone), Sutherland carved dots above the letters. I'd recognize his four dots anywhere!"

Rick: "The 'H-O Stone'?!"

Zena the hunch-backed Hobbit: "Yes, it was a signal for all of the Oak Island "Ho's" to meet at that precise location. It was the first example of prostitution in the New World. As they say, sailors have a 'girl in every port', and Oak Island was no different! The 'Hedden Shaft' wasn't just a hole in the ground, if you know what I mean! (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)"
_____________________________________________

Scene: Oak Island Smith's Cove. Another attempt at placing a cofferdam.

Dam-It Dam Rep: "First thing's first... here are 'Dam-It Dam' hats that all of you are contractually obligated to wear for the next six episodes."

Dan places his new 'Dam-It Dam' hat directly on top of the one he was already wearing, smiles, completely unaware he is now wearing a hard hat and two 'Dam-It Dam' hats

Rick, to camera: "If you find the box dams, you prove the booby traps, and you prove the 1st part of the Oak Island story."

Marty:: "I'm positive it's an elaborate system. If there's anything left of them. Come to think of it, they couldn't have been too elaborate if they simply disappeared. I bet they were constructed with a self-destruct mechanism!"

Rick: "Because this is a big dig, we have an Archeologist on site to make sure we do... (clenches teeth, clearly perturbed) A. Proper. Archeological. Dig. (shakes head angrily)"

Rick, waist up: "Smith's Cove is just as important as the Money Pit. We've already proven there's absolutely no treasure in the Money Pit, so when we confirm there are no box drains in Smith's Cove, you'll see how both of the areas are just as important as the other... that is to say, they are both equally unimportant. It's like the old Billy Preston song... 'Nothing from Nothing leaves nothing'."

Narrator: "When the Truro Company (finger quotes)found(end finger quotes) the box drains in the 1850's, they discovered it was thatched over with eelgrass and coconut fiber, which served as a filter for any sediment. Just days after finishing construction, many Templars were surprised to find the box drains were completely backed up with eelgrass and coconut fiber."

Digging begins in the drained Cove

Keanu Jack Begley: "Hey, what's this?"

Dan Henskee: "That's coconut fiber, Jack. Remember in Season 1 when we came out here and found that stuff and made up stories about it in an attempt to 'prove' it was a filter for the box drains?"

Narrator: "Eelgrass and coconut fiber are significant because the nearest coconut tree is 2000 miles away [actually 850... what, the Oak Island Narrator exaggerating facts?]. These substances were NOT used as 'packing peanuts' for storage in the bottom of ships which constantly unloaded on Oak Island. Repeat: NOT!"

Rick, to camera: "We're looking at a layered system that could only have been put there by human hands. Well, either that or it was due to the complete destruction of this end of the island and subsequent fill-job by Robert Dunfield and Troutman's Old Man. Either way, it's still done with human hands."

Rick drives an end-loader into the Cove. Very adept, it's obvious he used it to deliver mail as an employee of the U.S. Postal Service

Keanu Jack: "Hey, Rick, look at this!"

Rick picks up a 'timber' and fondles it

Narrator: "Dark wood?!?" (Samuel Ball briefly appears on screen, smiles, winks at camera, tips his cap)

The Ghost of Gene Wilder appears, speaks to Samuel Ball: "They said you was hung!"

Samuel Ball, to camera: "They was right!"

Marty: "DARK WOOD! HUNG! (hahaha) I love it!! Now THIS is a show!!"

Rick: "I can't wait to take this to Dan. He hasn't sniffed any wood for awhile now. (quick glance in Marty's direction) I know, I know, L'il Bro... that's what she said, right? (rolls eyes)"

Rick, to camera: "The whole idea is to find structures. Now I realize these structures were never found during the Restall excavation, nor were they unveiled during the Dunfield devastation... but, then again, they never used a cofferdam."

(Rick's hears a voice and his attention is focused off-screen)

Charles Barkhouse: "Yes, they did."

Rick, facing off-camera: "What do you mean, 'Yes, they did'?"

Charles: "Both Restall and Dunfield used cofferdams in Smith's Cove."

Rick: "Damnit!"

Dam-It Dam Rep: "What?"

Rick: "What do you mean, what, damnit?!"

Dam-It Dam Rep: "Yes?"

Camera fades from scene as Rick and the Dam-It Dam Rep continue their version of the famous Abbott and Costello routine.

Charles Barkhouse: "Here are maps of the Robert Restall search in 1965. Restall thought if he could find just one box drain, he could trace it all the way to the Money Pit. If not, as the very least, he felt like he could have opened the world's first water slide theme park."

Crew hits wood

Keanu Jack: "Hey, what's this?"

Dan Henskee: "What's what?"

Keanu Jack: "I don't know. Some joker keeps holding up the same 'Hey, what's this?' cue card!"

Narrator: "Could it be? Might it be? Could it be wood from the original box drains, which never did really exist, or from something more recent? My bet is it's from something more recent since the box drains were only based upon legend, but we'll find out in a future episode."
________________________________________________

Scene: Dan Blankenship's house. A crew from the University is present. They have carbon dated Dan to the 1300's. That crew leaves as the Oak Island crew enters, goes downstairs, and begins rifling through old papers.

Crown Time Dave: "I want to look at pictures."

Rick, somewhat irritated: "Oh, you want to look through pictures?? Here (motioning with notebook filled with typewritten papers), look through this!"

Crown Time Dave: "Naah, I wanna look at pictures! (opens up a liquor catalog, proceeds to peruse photos, begins to salivate like a Pavlovian dog)"

Marty: (Uses arm to wipe away the saliva) "Once this map dries, you'll be able to see what appears to be both your handwriting and Fred Nolan's handwriting! What were the two of you doing cooperating?"

Dan: "I'd cooperate with the fu[BLEEP]ing Devil if I thought it would lead to gold!"

(Crown Time Dave is amused at his father's use of cussing and reaches out to high-five Dan. The two hands meet with an audible 'SMACK', causing three of Dan's gnarled fingers to fall off.)

Marty: "This map here is puzzling to me. Is it possible we just missed, Fred Nolan just missed, and Hedden just missed?"

Dan: "Yes. But like I been tryin' to tell you fellers, it's also very possible there ain't never been nothin' down there!"

Rick, to himself: "That was a double negative, which tells me Dan DOES believe there is something down there! GOLD! (rubs hands together maniacally)"

Marty and the Crew pause to look at a hand-drawn "map" on a plain piece of paper. There are no measurements, there are no distances noted.

Marty: "I've only got one vote, but I say we dig right here (points to map)."

Dan: "No question."

Craig: "Makes sense."

Rick: "I respectfully disagree. Not because I think we shouldn't dig there, but mostly because conflict sells, and if we all get along, we could lose viewers!"

Rick, continuing: "We need to sit down and think."

Marty: "Think?!? Why start thinking now?! I say we dig a hole and stick our pipe in it! (laughs uproariously) But, regardless, Big Bro', we are sitting down, and we are thinking! The devil is in the details, you're being the dog in the manger, we are tilting at windmills, and you're pissing up a rope! Now let's stop whistling dixie and start laying pipe!"

_____________________________________________

Scene: Money Pit area

Oak Island crew member, off-camera "X marks the spot!"

Different Oak Island crew member, off camera "X marks the spot!"

Dig Crew member, to Craig: "So how did you decide where to place the X?"

Craig: "It was a deeply scientific and architectural determination. We used calculations, charts, and bar graphs. We went deep into the archives and studied ancient maps. Finally, we consulted with and gathered the opinions of numerous archeological experts."

Dig Crew member: "Wow, impressive!"

Craig: "Then, after that, we threw a dart and flipped a coin, Rick blindfolded me, spun me around two or three times, and wherever I ended up, I spray-painted the X!"