MovieChat Forums > Before I Wake (2018) Discussion > Husbands...well, men in general don't ma...

Husbands...well, men in general don't matter


... I mean, it's all about mama and her precious boy. Am I the only one bothered by this? That in the end - instead of being ready to do anything to get her husband back, she just accepted it... with a beautiful sentiment. WTF?
Husbands, men, partners - their role, their emotions and experiences just keeps being pushed out of this special boy-mama relationship, and I find it disturbing, and this is not the first film doing it (and real life media as well).
I am a woman, btw.

(Sorry for my English, not my native tongue)

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I got nothing against single mothers, lol I am one, with a small boy of my own. But I too found it quite disturbing that the wife did literally nothing to try and help her husband find a way back to reality from wherever he was..
She has no idea what Cody is truly capable of, the limits of his powers, she said so herself.. So why just write off the idea of her husband ever coming back? She pretty much made it so by telling Cody the story about him living in a fantasy world with Shawn, father and son reunited.. I mean yeah, that is a bittersweet concept, but I wouldn't just give up on the man I loved that easily.

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She has no idea what Cody is truly capable of, the limits of his powers, she said so herself.. So why just write off the idea of her husband ever coming back? She pretty much made it so by telling Cody the story about him living in a fantasy world with Shawn, father and son reunited.. I mean yeah, that is a bittersweet concept, but I wouldn't just give up on the man I loved that easily.


Thank-you, you definitely said it better than I ever could. Great points!

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This seems less like a review and more like what went wrong with you.

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[deleted]

First of all, your English is great, really.

I was totally blindsided by that ending! Fully expected the dad to come back but no.
At what point did it seem that the dad would be happier with his son than alive....it seemed more like the mother wanted that.

It was really odd as it seemed like she palmed her son off with her husband and disguised it as selflessness.
"Oh my new son needs just me so here husband, you pass on and have our old son and I'll have this cool new one who needs only me"

Actually the more I think of the ending the angrier I am lol

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Didn't the husband die though? And wasn't she just telling a nice bedtime story to the kid so he wouldn't feel guilty about what happened to his 2nd mom and 3rd dad?

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That was my take on it too.

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Very well said!! However, I think this may offend you since you're a woman, but a lot of the reason, IMO, we see this now more than ever is women have taken on the dominant role in all things with family, and decisions about children are on the top of that list.

Women assert themselves more at ball games, school functions and EVERY SINGLE aspect of their child's life. I was born in 75 so all of my experiences as a child came in the 80's and hardly ever did you see a helicopter mother who had to have an eye on every step of their child. You didn't see loud mothers at ball games or mothers who had to run to johnnys side every time something didn't go his way. At ball games the dad was in control, if their kid got hurt it was shake it off, you're ok and the woman was content with it being handled that way.

Nowadays I see mothers making fools of themselves over their kids and act like dad isn't even there. All this has led to women getting the attitude that I don't NEED a husband/man to do this. Which is great that women are more self sufficient, but it's led to more divorces and unhappier childhoods. So it is now what has been created over the past 30 or so years. Stronger women, women wanting to be in charge of everything which has in turn pushed the mans role to the side.

There's not much compromise in women these days which again, has led to divorce and a lot of these single mother situations. So we see shows and movies where the woman is in charge, making smart ass, demeaning comments to the husband and almost talking to the husband like he's a child himself. "Everybody Loves Raymond" is one of the first shows I remember seeing that I thought the wife is an absolute ass but now that seems to be the norm in real life.

That's my take, right or wrong.

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Stronger women, women wanting to be in charge of everything which has in turn pushed the mans role to the side."
...you mean like women have had to do for pretty much ever? It's surprising that you're complaining that men are being shoved to the side while women are taking control of the child and family when the roles were 100% switched but you're not complaining about that.

Don't get me wrong, I hate the newer "naggy wife treats her husband like an idiot" trope (though in some shows the husband really is that stupid--see Family Guy) because I think that's a harmful stereotype in itself. I wouldn't want to see a man treating his wife like she's stupid just like I don't like seeing the wife doing it to the husband. I've never liked shows like Everybody Loves Raymond or King of Queens for those exact reasons.
Which is great that women are more self sufficient, but it's led to more divorces and unhappier childhoods. ... There's not much compromise in women these days which again, has led to divorce and a lot of these single mother situations.
Wow. Are you serious? It's extremely unfair how you're blaming divorces on strong-willed women. That's a complex issue with reasons that are different to each couple so blaming a helicopter mom on the decline of marriage and civilization is a bit much. I'm not trying to be that person but if men were the rightful dominant in a relationship simply because they have the "correct" downstairs package, I don't think they would kowtow to these strong-willed women you seem to have a problem with.
At ball games the dad was in control, if their kid got hurt it was shake it off, you're ok and the woman was content with it being handled that way.
Really? And you know that for certain the woman was content? Is that because you're a woman who has felt content to let a man handle ballgames? Even if that is the case, just because that's YOUR experience it doesn't mean you get to say that's how all women should act or should feel. That's YOUR marriage, YOUR relationship dynamic and YOUR family. It does not apply to everyone else and shouldn't.

When little Johnny falls off his bike and the dad yells at him to walk it off while the mom stays complicit at his side, do you really think that's not harmful to little Johnny? His dad is uncaring to his pain while his mom just looks off in the distance while she's controlling her urge to run to her kid to check up on him. That's a powerful message that's teaching little Johnny that to be a man he has to not care about other's feelings while women will look on your pain and not do anything to help. He grows up resenting his father while having a negative view of women at the same time. Your dream family dynamic has it's problems too.

How about instead of blaming all the problems on strong women maybe suck it up and recognize that "strong women" aren't dirty words? If you've got issues with strong women maybe you should be a stronger man and learn to deal with them. Stop blaming the demise of marriages on strong women and recognize that each marriage is different, there are different reasons for divorce and maybe people should focus more on working things out and COMPROMISING--yes, that means both parties lose a little something to gain something. And since you're so sure that women aren't willing to compromise did you ever think that maybe whatever you're asking them to compromise on you're not holding up your end of the deal? Maybe you're being unrealistic or too rigid? Maybe you're not giving up enough on your side to make the deal fair?

You reek of bitterness and resentment. I highly recommend a therapist and working those issues out.

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Here here!

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The phrase is "Hear! Hear!" You're not calling a dog.

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... you mean like women have had to do for pretty much ever? It's surprising that you're complaining that men are being shoved to the side while women are taking control of the child and family when the roles were 100% switched but you're not complaining about that.


I've read this sentence repeatedly, but I still can't quite figure out what it means.

The problem is that the quotation leading into your ellipsis is "which has ... pushed the man's role to the side." As written, that appears to say that women have alway had to push men's roles (in the family) to the side. But that doesn't make sense, particularly given the overall tone of post.

Also, 100% switched??? I don't think there has ever been a time or culture in which men sought to push women's role in the family to the side, because A.) that's just not physiologically possible, B) historically men often sought, or were forced, or were culturally indoctrinated, to not have much of a role in child rearing.

The tension that exists today, which I think is novel, is that men (at least in many western cultures) are now being culturally encouraged to be an active parent, but while women are happy to share "diaper duty", and jump at the chance to coach little league and soccer teams; when it comes to sharing their "primary caregiver" role, they are not willing, and are resentful about intrusions into "the mother's" traditional domain.

There is an inclination in many women toward the view that the father's views as primary caregiver are simply wrong. Your notion that a father's inclination to encourage a child who has fallen to get back up, rather than immediately run to offer comfort, is typical. Your view isn't just that the male inclination is incorrect, but that it is psychologically damaging--it is incorrect in a way that we must eradicate it.

Unlike the poster you're responding to, the first time I really noticed this in the media was 'John & Kate plus 8". Not a trope, but a reality.

The best expression of this growing tension I've seen recently was a t-shirt that said "Fathers don't babysit: It's called parenting."

The tension here regarding mothers' increasing desire to take on the traditional roles of fathers, while unwilling to give up their traditional roles of "primary" caregiver/parent, is real.

To say to people who wish to point out that this inclination among contemporary mothers leaves increasingly diminished roles for modern fathers, that such people "need therapy", are just bitter, etc..., well, it strikes me as the intellectual equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "Nay, Nay, Nay....." at the top of your lungs.

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Hear, hear!

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You reek of bitterness and resentment. I highly recommend a therapist and working those issues out.
Oh and we'll all heed your highly esteemed evaluation and follow right up on that with some therapy. You need a humility check!

You exaggerated everything he said, to give your argument more traction. He's right, younger women today, with empowerment in tow, are less willing to compromise and that is one factor in the divorce rate. Did you get that? I said it's ONE FACTOR!

My credentials are that I've been married and divorced and am married again. My ex-wife is a cold hard *beep* and tried to take me for everything she could, even though to my face we had a friendly agreement in place. She's one of those that won't take what's fair, if she can take it all.


Gays Are Not To Be Hated, The Gay Agenda Is...

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If a man is not leading is not that what we call "dysfunctional(ism)"? English is not my first language. Husband, love your wife; wife, submit to your husband: simple. That is how I set what is "standard", even if you call me religious or superstitious. A woman may earn much as the man, but she comes home a wife. A man may conquer a kingdom, but he comes home a husband. It falls apart when no one comes home 😂.

Man and woman brains equally yoke together.

Back to the movie. I think, eventually, she will look for her husband. It is just that she is still in grief, and confusion - the soul selects her own society - Dickinson wrote.

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"...wife, submit to your husband:"

Nothing against you but Why though? Because that is a rule men made up centuries ago? No. I will not submit to anyone. If my husband kept it in his pants maybe I might have considered it. But oh wait, I am not supposed to say that. Men are allowed to cheat and we are just to obey and ignore.

Even if my ex and father weren't cheaters, leaving me to think most men are, I still wouldn't submit. And I don't have kids. The only time I would have to come close to "obeying" is if he supported me. Which also would never happen. I pay my half always.

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You're 100% right, but there's more. The entertainment industry is doing a number on men and more specifically white men. We are being marginalized and portrayed as unnecessary and even dependent incapable. This is all to do with the political correctness movement, which houses feminism, the gay/lgbt movement and the glamorizing of all things non-white.

More movies/shows than ever portray women and blacks in positions of authority and women as badass heros, where the man becomes the mansel in distress.

A woman from the Brookings Institute, which is a US government "think tank," said our society is too "male, pale and stale." And here's a quick link to support what I'm saying http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/2016/07/03/oxford-university-to-replace-male-pale-and-stale-portraits-with/ It's just one example of the agenda that's afoot.

The worst part about this for me, is the arrogance of the powers-that-be to presume to manipulate and brainwash us. But it's clear, the elite 1% that controls all media, is engaging the citizenry in thought modification/reprogramming. Guns are bad, Muslims are kind and gentle, women are superior, blacks are always innocent and railroaded by police, etc,.

I have said nothing insulting to women. So before anyone gets enraged, consider what I've said carefully.


Gays Are Not To Be Hated, The Gay Agenda Is...

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Went do you generalize women when really its just American women or your society?

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You are definitely not the only one disturbed by this trend, or maybe annoyed is a better word. It's pretty much always the dad figure taking the fall towards the end.
In this instance the coolest character was the dad imo and as soon as he disappeared I sighed and thought okay, following the usual pattern here... And YES, why did the mom seem completely unperturbed by his disappearance? It made zero sense.
I guess we can only assume it's still a big no-no to kill off the mom character, even when the dad character is more interesting and a better parent.

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They killed off his first and second mom though.

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It's not that the husband didn't matter in this case. It's the fact that Cankerman represents cancer, which is mostly an unstoppable disease. The movie is about accepting the reality that once somebody dies, they are gone forever. There is denial of the cancer, then acceptance. There is nothing you can do about it.

But I do agree with you about this ongoing mother/son mental trend going on. Basically, Babadook, Lights Out and Before I Wake are the same movie.

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Well it was written by 2 guys. Maybe they really love their moms.

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I feel like it would've been more fitting for the husband to have lived with the boy and the mother reunited with her dead son.

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Yeah, that'd have made a lot more sense.
As far as the Mom's seemingly cavalier attitude towards the end, I think that a lot of it might have had to do with making sure the kid didn't feel anything but positive thoughts coming from her.
He needed to not be able to even sense negativity...it was of the most upmost importance to keep his thoughts positive, guilt free and having some pleasant dreaming experiences...especially if there was any chance of him being able to undo some of the harm he'd already done.

That was my thought. What to do...how to react to a child that you need to absolutely 100% convey positivity...as he's going to be feeling enough guilt as it is, he needs to be CONVINCED that there's no animosity, everything's fine, will be okay, all is happiness and love, no problems!

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