How to Stop Blaming Your Parents
Here's still another link that describes the reason why it is WRONG for someone who is in their 30's ... like CHRIS is ... to keep placing the BLAME onto his MOTHER OLIVE for his troubles:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4679189_stop-blaming-parents.html
How to Stop Blaming Your Parents.
Last week, my friend was complaining to me about some questionable behavior by her father. I won't get into the details, except to say that she ended her tirade with a line I have heard in one form or another--many times--from many people before:
"He should behave better. He is the parent, after all."
It is true. He is the parent--but my friend is an adult, and while her logic--that her father should rise above his human pettiness and take the higher road in all family disagreements--may have held a tremendous amount of weight when she was 16--it has lost a lot of its potency now that she has entered her 30s.
Sure we would all like our parents to behave as noble creatures worthy of our highest admiration, to always act in our best interest, to be shining examples of maturity, morality, love, support and reason. We all know, however, this is rarely the way the parent/child dynamic plays out--and at some point--we must move on and stop blaming our parents for our lives' failures and frustrations.
May these tips help you to do just that.
Recognize the futility in blame. Remember, you are not defined by your childhood or the actions of your parents. There is not a need to stay stuck in blaming others (or yourself, for that matter) for the missed opportunities, failed attempts or letdowns of your life
Another link that says BLAMING one's parents the way CHRISTOPHER does his Mother OLIVE has become
NATIONAL PASTIME:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201002/parent-blaming-or-when-things-go-wrong-whose-fault-is-it
parent blaming seems to be a national pastime these days. This is a change from the attitude of Freud and his followers, who believed that neuroses come from internal conflict, usually guilt and anxiety about unacceptable wishes and feelings.
Gradually, the field of psychology came to see that some of these internal struggles reflect actual clashes with important adults in a child's real life.
At that point, the pendulum swung from blaming an individual for his emotional difficulties to blaming his parents
The bottom line is that no parent can do a perfect job
a good enough mother - that is, someone who occasionally fails her children - is better than a perfect mother
And OLIVE also fits into the GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER category, especially when we compare her with KEVIN'S MOTHER.
Chris never had to BABYSIT his mother, for example, the way we see KEVIN doing when his mother takes a bath, or deal with Olive having HALLUCINATIONS.
Yet here's CHRIS who WHINES and COMPLAINS constantly about what a Bad Mother he had, whereas KEVIN thinks CHRIS is NUTS for the way that he constantly BASHES and ATTACKS Olive for being a bad mother.
Because as KEVIN says to DR. SUE who also had her OPINION of OLIVE POISONED by CHRIS:
<b>WE GOT ALONG FINE. And if CHRIS wasn't a SNOTTY BRAT who we see POKING HOLES into O'CASEY'S CAR SEAT with his PEN, or THROWING ROCKS at Kevin's Mother's car, and he made an effort to do his schoolwork the way Kevin does etc., then Chris would also have been able to get along FINE with OLIVE as well.
A THERAPIST confirms OLIVE'S Son Christopher is WRONG to BLAME HERStill another link that backs up what the others have to say:
http://wendykeller.com/featured/are-parents-to-blame/
let’s say that girl (or boy) is 20, 30, 40 or 50, still mired in mistakes made in her childhood by people who she thinks should have loved her more or better, or at very least differently.
Are we adults justified in blaming our parents -
I’m a grown woman. Are my problems my mom’s fault? Nope.
In fact, nothing in anyone’s life past age 18 is technically their fault.
For the most part, everyone has had a tough childhood. There are few truly happy childhoods in my observation of thousands of them.
Sometimes, I’d label “creepy” the childhoods of people who say they were “always happy”. (This includes the freakishly close single mother-grown son pair who stayed overnight at my mom’s house once when I was a kid and took a bath at the same time.)
I get it. Your childhood wasn’t happy. Your parents made mistakes. Bad things have happened to you as an adult. That’s awful. Maybe in your head you can trace it back to something a parent said or did. Dr. Martin Seligman, author of “What You Can Change and What You Can’t”, wrote that as a culture, we’re raised to blame our parents for our misfortunes and maladjustments as adults, but in reality, who we’ve become has more to do with our own habits and external circumstances.
Doubt it? Look at your siblings, or the siblings from any family. How similar are those people as adults? Yet all were raised in the same environment.
Thus it can’t just be environment that determines happiness or success in adulthood.
If you’re an adult and you’re blaming your parents for all the bad, maybe even heinous things they did to you, figure out how to get over it. You don’t have to carry it your whole life.
You are not responsible for how another adult person lives, even if you gave birth to them.
So once again this THERAPIST points out the reasons why it's WRONG for CHRIS to PICKS FIGHTS with his MOTHER, and to DWELL on the PAST the way that we keep seeing him doing throughout the story.
And like she says, OLIVE is NOT RESPONSIBLE for the way her ADULT SON lives, even when she's the one who gave BIRTH to him.
<b>
By the end of the story CHRIS is an ADULT who is 38 YEARS OLD ...
who hasn't even SEEN or SPOKEN to his mother for the 4 YEARS that his father's been in the NURSING HOME ...
yet in NY he still also WHINES and complains ...
like back when he was still AGE 13 and calls Kevin TRASH ...
and like a TEENAGER HE still also BLAMES his MOTHER for everything that's ever happened to him.
The entire notion OLIVE is to blame for everything or for the way CHRIS calls KEVIN TRASH is ABSURD. Because at age 13 he is also old enough to KNOW better than to do this. And his mother was also RIGHT to correct him in that situation.
And in the other scene at the dinner table when he WHINES and complains to his father about how his mother had also called Kevin's Mom a WACKO, Henry also says NOTHING, and does NOTHING to correct his son, when he should have at least reminded him that Olive was also WRONG to use terms like WACKO in reference to Kevin's Mom.
But instead of CORRECTING Chris, HENRY just sits there the same way as we see ANN doing when her son THEO is TUGGING on OLIVE at the kitchen sink and doesn't STOP doing it even after he's told several times to STOP by both OLIVE and CHRIS.
Thus the reason why CHRIS is A PIECE of CRAP just like he describes THEO as being to his mother.
When he's calling his STEP SON a PIECE of CRAP this also lets us know that he hasn't CHANGED when he's still NAME CALLING the same way as he did back when he called KEVIN TRASH.
So whereas OLIVE shows improvement by the way she says:
NOTED
when CHRIS tries to PICK A FIGHT with her ...
when he WHINES and COMPLAINS to her about how ANN has a name ...
and she says NOTED again ...
after he WHINES to her again immediately after that ...
regardless of his THERAPY and his taking PROZAC ...
Chris also shows NO INDICATION whatsoever that he's changed or has improved in any way.
In other words, by the END of the story OLIVE has MOVED ON, whereas CHRIS still remains STUCK back in his childhood.
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xxpo
9 years ago
Another link tells us this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-beast/201402/blaming-parents-their-childrens-failings
It is easy to blame parents for social problems. Yet, that entire approach is short-sighted and misses the true explanation. Unfortunately, it is seductive and bamboozles people across the political spectrum.
At the WEDDING REHEARSAL and WEDDING one could also say OLIVE is a VICTIM of the NON STOP way she's BULLIED.
First by DR. SUE, who's had her MIND FILLED full of CRAP that CHRISTOPHER'S FILLED it with, stuff which is also not TRUE, which is demonstrated to us by the way that OLIVE saves the life of KEVIN and helps his mother (while CHRIS also constantly complains about her doing so).
So when DR. SUE suggest what A HORROR it must have been for KEVIN having OLIVE for his teacher, he also CORRECTS her by telling her that:
THEY GOT ALONG FINE.
To which CHRIS chimes in saying:
I wouldn't go that far
when Dr. Sue next suggest that to some OLIVE must have been a real SWEETHEART.
Then KEVIN also REJECTS having any further discussions with Chris, and tells him that he's going to go SIT at the BAR ALL ALONE rather than continue to listen to him BASHING and ATTACKING OLIVE who KEVIN OBVIOUSLY also RESPECTS more than her own son does.
So KEVIN is also our WITNESS to the way OLIVE is MISTREATED at the REHEARSAL where HENRY is also PRAISED for having RAISED CHRIS ALL BY HIMSELF by DR. SUE who suggests GOOD FATHERS raise GOOD SONS and NEVER mentions or gives OLIVE any credit at all for the way her son's turned out.
So because of CHRIS filling DR. SUE full of stories about his mother, she also fills her parents and sister full of them, which also leads to the other SITUATION with the BRATTY FLOWER GIRL who points her finger at OLIVE, makes a BIG SCENE in front of everyone, and REFUSES to walk down the pathway the way she's suppose to do.
So because of CHRIS and the way he BAD MOUTH'S his mother, Dr. Sue and her ENTIRE FAMILY also BULLY and ABUSE OLIVE.
Thus the reason why the link is RIGHT when it says the entire BLAME THE PARENT APPROACH is SHORT-SIGHTED and misses the true explanation[/red].
And it's also right about how BLAMING the PARENT is SEDUCTIVE and BAMBOOZLES people.
Because anyone who doesn't PAY CLOSE ENOUGH ATTENTION to the SUB TEXT of the story and to what else happens in it ...
can also easily be SEDUCED and BAMBOOZLED by her ABUSIVE and SADISTIC SON CHRISTOPHER ...
who sits there and POKES HOLES into O'CASEY'S CAR SEAT ...
and THROWS ROCKS at Kevin's Mother's car ...
before he calls Kevin TRASH ...
and then later on as an ADULT calls his STEP SON a PIECE of CRAP ...
before he also upsets his mother when he makes the other SICK SADISTIC JOKE about how JIM O'CASEY dies by hitting the TREE.
To CHRIS KEVIN is TRASH, his MOM is a [blue]WACKO, and his STEP SON is a PIECE of CRAP.
Imo, CHRIS is also TRASH (due to his own definition which means having a MENTALLY ILL MOTHER), a WACKO, and a PIECE of CRAP (due to the way that he constantly BASHES and ATTACKS and PICKS FIGHTS with his mother all of the time) and because of the way that he also behaves just like his NARCISSISTIC BRATTY STEP SON does in NY.
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xxpo
9 years ago
Meanwhile back at the WEDDING REHEARSAL ...
HENRY wants KEVIN to meet Dr. Sue's Mother ...
even after the much more PERCEPTIVE Olive tells him that Kevin doesn't want to meet her.
But HENRY IGNORES OLIVE and introduces her to Kevin anyhow.
And as HENRY tries to BRAG ABOUT what a LOCAL HERO Kevin has been that day ...
the COMPLETELY CLUELESS and NARCISSISTIC WOMAN BUTTS in and begins to BRAG about how her daughter use to be a LIFEGUARD.
So OLIVE, who is NOT CLUELESS, and realizes what a SELF CENTERED WITCH this woman is also BUTTS in asking her:
Were they DROWNING or just MISBEHAVING when she PULLED them out of the POOL ???
But of course this CLUELESS IDIOT also doesn't GET IT, or the kind of a JOKE that OLIVE'S made about the way the woman's stupid story about her daughter is NOT a HEROIC ONE, and has NO CONNECTION whatsoever to what KEVIN's done that day.
In other words, DR. SUE and her MOTHER, and all the rest of her NARCISSISTIC FAMILY, are also the kind of DOPES that we hear OLIVE keep mentioning throughout the story.
She also calls them the GOLFING TYPE, or the type that she'd rather AVOID being around if she and HENRY were to take a CRUISE on a CRUISE SHIP.
So whereas OLIVE is the WITCH to Dr. Sue, and to the rest of her STUCK UP FAMILY, to OLIVE they are also NOT NICE PEOPLE due to the way that they also insult the FOOD and call it ORDINARY.
Of course calling the FOOD ORDINARY is also just another way of INSULTING OLIVE and the lifestyle of the rest of the people who live there in MAINE.
So if you had a choice of spending the day with KEVIN and/or with his Mom or spending it with DR. SUE and/or with her MOM, who would YOU CHOSE???
Even if Kevin's mom was hallucinating and sweeping her broom into the air at imaginary SEA GULLS that were not there, imo, spending some time in her company would still be better than spending the day or the night at a REHEARSAL DINNER with Dr. Sue or with her Mother.
Also NOTE the way the CLUELESS CHRISTOPHER also CHOSE to make one of them HIS WIFE and LIVE with one of them which he also later regrets.
So whereas KEVIN is TRASH to him and his mother's a WACKO, they're also still NICER PEOPLE to be around than this other NARCISSISTIC FAMILY that CHRIS chose to become a part of.
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xxpo
9 years ago
Also NOTE the way NARCISSISTIC CHRIS does the SAME THING to KEVIN that DR. SUE'S MOTHER does ...
when he also BUTTS INTO the conversation to say:
When his mother says JUMP YOU JUMP ...
which also DEFLECTS from and TAKES the CREDIT AWAY from KEVIN for the HEROIC WAY he's behaved that day.
So both NARCISSISTIC CHRIS and his NARCISSISTIC MOTHER in LAW TO BE turn the CONVERSATION around into being one ABOUT THEM
(or about her stupid boring daughter who had been a Life Guard) ...
instead of remaining focused upon KEVIN and on the HEROIC WAY that he's behaved that day.
To put it still another way,
NEITHER NARCISSISTIC SELF CENTERED CHRIS
nor his NARCISSISTIC SELF CENTERED MOTHER in LAW to be are NICE PEOPLE to be around.
Imo, they're also 2 PEAS that come from the SAME KIND of STUCK UP and SELF RIGHTEOUS POD.
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xxpo
9 years ago
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/if-your-childhood-sucked-its-time-to-stop-blaming-your-parents.html
Dear Parent Blamer,
Firstly let me say, stop it.
It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.
To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your
victim mentality
and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem
We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on your parents.
So ...
here's CHRIS at the WEDDING REHEARSAL dinner making a PATHETIC and POINTLESS remark to KEVIN about how when his Mother says
JUMP you JUMP ...
which also amounts to his once again WHINING and COMPLAINING ...
and expressing his ANGER at his Mother ...
which KEVIN would also RECOGNIZE as being a case of his expressing his
VICTIM MENTALITY ...
due to the way KEVIN is also an expert in PSYCHIATRY.
Therefore the reason why Kevin also confronts him, and PUTS a STOP to his PITY PARTY, by telling him he prefers to go SIT ALL ALONE at the BAR, rather than stand there and continue to listen to CHRIS BASHING and ATTACKING his mother (who KEVIN also RESPECTS very much).
The REAL PITY of course is how the situation isn't REVERSED to where KEVIN is OLIVE'S SON.
But that would also mean CHRIS would be RACHEL'S SON, which would most likely also mean the SELF CENTERED NARCISSITIC BRAT would also not CARE ENOUGH or GIVE A DAMN ENOUGH about her to stand there protecting her while she took a bath.
Still another thing to NOTE is the conversation that O'CASEY has with KEVIN.
To be continued ...
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xxpo
9 years ago
garbotara
Why don't you start another topic and post what you've said here to it. Then we can also discuss what you've said over there without getting even more SIDE TRACKED and taking this topic even further OFF TOPIC.
And yes this message will also discuss OLIVE, but only because what she plans to do (Divorce Henry to be with JIM) also relates to her SON (which is the TOPIC of this TOPIC).
So ...
after CHRIS STABS HOLES into the BACK SEAT of O'CASEY'S car with his PEN ...
he gets out and SLAMS the DOOR VERY LOUDLY ...
and then begins throwing ROCKS at Kevin's MOTHER'S CAR.
Thus also demonstrating what an UNBEARABLE BRAT Olive has for a SON (just like Olive's 2nd Daughter in law Ann also has an UNBEARABLE BRAT for her son).
Meanwhile Kevin has a conversation with JIM about the book of poetry he gives him being MARKED UP, and then about Kevin's PARENTS and FEMALES in general.
JIM also encourages Kevin to RUN AWAY from his MOTHER, and warns him to watch out for the crazy ones, and especially for the ones that want to PAIR your SOCKS for you.
So what can we deduce from this conversation???
Can we assume if OLIVE left Henry for JIM then Henry's probably right when he said that the relationship wouldn't have lasted very long???
Because isn't OLIVE ... who we also see SCRUBBING the DISHES ... and the FRIDGE ... and dealing with Henry's URINE SOAKED PANTS ... also the type who might PAIR your SOCKS for you???
And when Kevin tells JIM he doesn't plan on ever getting married ...
and then Jim says:
GOOD LAD
What do we make of this remark in regards to OLIVE???
Still another thing to NOTE is the way JIM wasn't even aware that his youngest son had a cold, or whatever Jim's wife claimed he had, when she went to the PHARMACY and spoke to Henry ... right before Henry tells JIM he'd be driving Olive and his Son to school from now on.
So did the wife LIE about the son and use him as an excuse to go tell Henry about Jim and Olive???
Or was JIM so insensitive that he didn't notice that his son wasn't feeling very well???
Either way, how long would it have been before OLIVE had regrets about leaving Henry for another man who also gives Kevin INSTRUCTIONS to RUN AWAY from his MENTALLY ILL MOTHER???
So whereas OLIVE was PERCEPTIVE ENOUGH about Dr. Sue and her MOTHER not being NICE PEOPLE, because of this conversation that Jim O'Casey has with Kevin, one also wonders if maybe she lacked INSIGHT into what JIM was really like???
To be continued ...
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xxpo
9 years ago
So ...
what IF OLIVE had DIVORCED HENRY to go live with Jim???
Which parent do you think Chris would have chosen to live with???
Naturally one might immediately assume it would be his father that he'd chose to stay with.
But with his Father being at the PHARMACY all day long, and with NO ONE to COOK dinner for them, or to CLEAN the HOUSE, or do the LAUNDRY for them, etc. how long do you think that kind of a situation would last???
Surely coming home to an empty house and making his own dinner also wouldn't be something that Chris would like to do.
Right???
So my guess is this:
if he chose to remain with his father ...
then soon enough we'd find the situation REVERSED ...
to one where HENRY would have become the TARGET of his son's HOSTILITY ...
and at school OLIVE ...
(who would probably also have been much more appreciated at that point by her son) ...
would probably also have had her son filling her ears full of complaints about his Father.
In other words, Henry would also quickly resort to being the PARENT that his son then BLAMES for all of the WOES in his life.
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scriptus
9 years ago
xxpo, to me, you appear to be a deeply hurt individual. I think that what you do here is obsessive and reveals two things:
- your own huge resentment towards your parents
- and even bigger guilt that it generates.
You are trying to rationalize something that cannot be rationalize.
I think that being an adult is to see the world like it is, including your own parents. Idealizing them is so immature, it's like a kid thinking that his dad is the strongest in the whole wide world and his mom the prettiest! So childish. Good luck with your problem.
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