Pro-Choice or Pro-Alternative?

I apologise for the length of this but I've been wanting to get this out of my system for a long time. I made this account just for this one post.

What's in a name? Well, I guess first of all an image. I have always disliked the label Pro-Life. It's kind of smart because it implies if you're against them you must be Pro-Death.

I equally dislike the label Pro-Choice because so many people who are in favor of safe and legal abortion, which I am myself, call themselves this and it gives the impression that they are in favor of supporting a woman in making the best choice for her and her life whatever that may be. With the exception of a few politicians like Bernie Sanders, I've found in practise they often don't do that at all.

I got unintentionally pregnant once. I was not in a serious relationship with the father and he was just about to set off on a year long trip. I am a college graduate and had a job I liked. I knew immediately I would keep my baby for a hundred different reasons. The main one was that although I was terrified I was also overwhelmed with maternal love. Deep, deep down I couldn't convince myself that my life was more important than my baby's. I could in my head but not in my heart. Another is that I believe a lot of people are running around trying to achieve happiness as though it was a distant place and you should have a plan to reach it or you might never get there so don't let anything get in the way of your happiness plan. I believe happiness is embracing what you already have and finding love. I could abort my baby and carrying on my journey looking for happiness or I could embrace motherhood and my child and find love and happiness in what fate had sent me. Also to quote Jenny Slate's partner maybe what you're most afraid of is precisely what you should do.

I was brought up in a very left wing home and all my friends are pretty left wing simply because I tend to gravitate towards that kind of person. I find left wing people have a natural compassion for the weak. So as you can imagine everyone around me was Pro-Choice or so I thought. I found very little support for my choice. My mom cried and told me she'd wasted all that money on my education just for me to throw it away. My dad just shook his head. One of my friends stood by me and said not to tell anyone but she couldn't have an abortion either. Why do we have to hide that as though it's a dirty secret? I thought we were Pro-Choice. A couple of friends got me to watch Obvious Child to show me I was making a big fuss about nothing. I had visits to Planned Parenthood to discuss my options. Slowly it dawned on me that by Pro-Choice what a lot of people really mean is pro-'having the choice to have an abortion'. No other choice interested them.

Pro-Choice, I realised, was a misnomer. It implies you want to support women to make their choice whatever that is. The reality is they mean - you want to have an abortion? Here we can help you. You want to keep the baby? Good luck with that, girl - goodbye. Pro-Choice actually seem to me to be interested in pregnant women who want to have an abortion. Period. It's as though they believe that a pregnant girl only needs them if they don't want the baby. If they do, they are OK and don't need any support at all. At one point I actually decided I should have an abortion because I was so down that I felt I really had NO choice. It was then I wondered just how many girls are actually having abortions because they feel they have no choice. If you have only one viable choice then you have no choice. Where are the Pro-Choice people making a loud noise about parental support in particular single parent support? Where are the demonstrations? Where are the placards supporting both choices? I remember thinking about that placard you see saying "I am not an incubator". I always wanted to insert the word "just" in between not and an. It always felt anti-feminist like there's something shameful about incubating human life. In my case when people were just presuming I'd have an abortion I wanted a placard saying "I'm not an infertile sperm receptacle". Pro-Choice are great at supporting the choice to abort but seem to look at women like me as lower down the pecking order.

Women like me do also need support. We need to look at all the laws that are stacked against parenthood. We need to look at how Europe gives parental leave and learn from it. We need widespread and affordable child care. Do we put more effort and use more space to provide us with parking lots for our cars? We need laws to make it easier for father's to do their bit. We need to look at the whole of our society and make it more child welcoming and not least get away from the very American attitude that parenthood is a form of death to be avoided or put off till the last minute. I must fulfil myself and be happy THEN have kids. Being a parent isn't just a normal part of being an adult any more it has to be boxed off, over-prepared and perfected.

Only if you are putting as much effort into making parenthood, particularly, single parenthood a viable choice as you are making sure abortion is a viable choice can you honestly call yourself Pro-Choice otherwise in my eyes you are Pro-Alternative (to giving birth) not Pro-Choice.

I find the Pro-Life side say, don't have an abortion. Oh, you have a child now? On your way, you made your bed and now lie in it. The Pro-Choice say, you can have an abortion. Oh, you want to keep the child? On your way, you made your bed and now lie in it.

So all these celebrities who spend their efforts purely supporting the minority of women who have an abortion - until I see your tweets and your vocal support equally campaigning for child support, maternity leave, affordable childcare etc in my eyes at least you are not truly Pro-Choice. You're Pro-Alternative. You make yourself sound good by calling yourselves 'Pro-Choice' but you are fundamentally dishonest because you only actively support one of those choices, abortion. Do you really believe that the other choice is easy and doesn't need your support? If you're pregnant and want an abortion you'll find the all the celebrities on your side holding your hand all the way to the clinic. If you'd rather keep it you'll find they disappear in a cloud of dust. One choice = No choice.

In case you're thinking I'm Pro-LIfe. Don't. I want women to have what they need to go their own way. My way only works for me. Planned Parenthood is one of the most important organisations in the country. For a lot of women, it may be the most important. Without them our lives go back a hundred years. The abortion rate has gone down because of people like them not because people have forgotten to have sex.

Epilogue

I am coping. My parents eventually became doting grandparents. My so called friends drifted away. My real friends stayed. The father actually moved to be near his son and sees him every day. I have less money for myself, my life is more restricted in some ways but much richer in others and I am .. happy!