MovieChat Forums > Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015) Discussion > Wow this movie was really bad

Wow this movie was really bad

posted 8 years ago by A_Dance_with_Charles
17 replies | jump to latest

I wasn't expecting much but holy crap, this movie stunk really bad. This is mostly gonna be stream of consciousness because I don't know where to begin with this turd. I don't think I've ever seen a movie try so hard to be cool and utterly fail. None of the characters were interesting or even really likable except for Mark Strong's character. Colin Firth has all the charisma of a grilled slice of pineapple, and whoever played Eggsy was basically a British poor man's Ryan Phillipe (which is not a good thing). What, was he the cheapest guy that came in to audition or something? Thamuel L. Jackthon and his lithp was bad, even by SLJ standards, and his sidekick (who I'm pretty sure was the player character in the Portal games), was stupid. Michael Caine needs to stop playing the exact same fcking character in every movie. My god, he's really just phoning it in during his twilight years, eh?

I can't believe this was directed by the same guy who made Layer Cake and Kick-Ass. These action scenes were atrocious. It's like the camera operator constantly had a coughing fit and couldn't keep it steady for longer than maybe 1 second at a time. This wasn't shaky cam. This was Parkinson's cam. I never get motion sickness watching movies, even when I saw Transformers, but this one made me have to look away for a few seconds multiple times. And in 2014, did we really need the "two people jumping at each other through the air in super-slow motion" shot for the nine-millionth time in an action movie?

The writing is just atrocious. Plot holes wide enough to drive a Mack truck through, dialogue that tries to be cool and subvert cliches but totally misses the point and becomes cliched, to the point where I thought it was self-parody. And the Swedish princess. My fcking lord. I don't think I've ever heard a line as insulting or offensive as "If you save the world you can fck me in my a-hole". And it's not even offensive because of the vulgarity. It's the fact that they thought it would in any way, shape, or form funny. You know who thinks lines like that are funny? 14-year-olds. Or at least people with the mentality and sense of humor of 14-year-olds. It's actually kind of ironic because it's a very hard R-rating, but at the same time written at a level that's clearly targeted at young teens.

I'm trying really hard to come up with something positive to say about this movie, aside from Mark Strong, who could read a phone book out loud while taking a Chipotle dump and make it entertaining. I dunno, maybe the fact that a pug was featured prominently and pugs are my favorite breed of dog. Other than that I got nothin'.

---
PLEASE USE NEST VIEW IT MAKES EVERYONE'S LIVES EASIER GOD DAMMIT

[–] julianmarq 8 years ago

Heh, it always amuses me when a person is so wrong they can't even actually express in words how wrong they are and flat-out admit it.

_______________
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! These are the IMDB Boards!"

[–] A_Dance_with_Charles 8 years ago

Yeah man it's not like I wrote four paragraphs about it or anything.

And it's not like I wrote "I don't know where to begin" instead of "I don't know what to say" or anything either.

---
PLEASE USE NEST VIEW IT MAKES EVERYONE'S LIVES EASIER GOD DAMMIT

[–] julianmarq 8 years ago

What you wrote is a compilation of every movie review cliché on record.

"Hurr durr there are plothole": Not even one mentioned.
"Herp derp the acting was bad": Not pointing out how (because you obviously don't know what acting entails).
"The writin 'as attttrocious!!": Not pointing out what was bad or could've been better.

Etc, etc. But carry on, continue amusing me.

_______________
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! These are the IMDB Boards!"

[–] A_Dance_with_Charles 8 years ago

"Hurr durr there are plothole": Not even one mentioned.

"All of the bad guys have special chip in their heads that can instantly kill them at the push of a button" "But how does that help us" "It doesn't" *twenty minutes later* "Hey why don't we push that button that can kill all of the bad guys instantly?" "EGGSY YOU'RE A FCKING GENIUS"

Do you know what's actually in the toilet pipes once you get around that u-bend? Toxic fcking methane gas.

Why didn't Eggsy's little sister start to go crazy when SLJ triggered the device? Is there an age limit?

How did FCKING NO ONE notice Michael Caine's scar to show that he turned? And how is this spy with like 50 years of experience get so easily fooled by the ol' switcheroo by someone he's trying to murder?

I can keep going if you'd like.

"Herp derp the acting was bad": Not pointing out how (because you obviously don't know what acting entails).

I never said the acting was bad. I said the characters sucked. Which leads me to...

"The writin 'as attttrocious!!": Not pointing out what was bad or could've been better.

I spent an entire paragraph discussing why I hated one line in the movie. How could the writing have been better? By not acting so fcking juvenile but also trying to be super mature and serious at the same time.

Fanboy's gonna fanboy.

---
PLEASE USE NEST VIEW IT MAKES EVERYONE'S LIVES EASIER GOD DAMMIT

[–] julianmarq 8 years ago

"All of the bad guys have special chip in their heads that can instantly kill them at the push of a button" "But how does that help us" "It doesn't" *twenty minutes later* "Hey why don't we push that button that can kill all of the bad guys instantly?" "EGGSY YOU'RE A FCKING GENIUS"

That's not a plothole, if anything it's consistency.
The concept of the Chekov's gun must be alien to you... Which is fairly obvious from your review: you know very little about storytelling.

Do you know what's actually in the toilet pipes once you get around that u-bend? Toxic fcking methane gas.

Artistic license does not a plothole make.

Why didn't Eggsy's little sister start to go crazy when SLJ triggered the device? Is there an age limit?

Yes.
See? I can say that just as easily as you can say there wasn't.
What makes you think that your interpretation is final? It isn't. But it's pretty funny, almost endearing, that you think it is.

How did FCKING NO ONE notice Michael Caine's scar to show that he turned?

For all we do know, he might not have even talked with anyone face to face between Valentine's visit and Eggsy's.

And how is this spy with like 50 years of experience get so easily fooled by the ol' switcheroo by someone he's trying to murder?

Not only he is old, but he's also a snob who has been underestimating Eggsy the entire movie, he clearly thought Eggsy posed no threat.

I can keep going if you'd like.

You're yet to actually point out a plothole so how can you keep going if you haven't even started?

Tis funny.

I never said the acting was bad. I said the characters sucked.

Colin Firth has all the charisma of a grilled slice of pineapple, and whoever played Eggsy was basically a British poor man's Ryan Phillipe (which is not a good thing). What, was he the cheapest guy that came in to audition or something? Thamuel L. Jackthon and his lithp was bad, even by SLJ standards [...] Michael Caine needs to stop playing the exact same fcking character in every movie

Now, now, this isn't going to work if you lie shamelessly. It makes it way too easy to make fun of you.

I spent an entire paragraph discussing why I hated one line in the movie. How could the writing have been better? By not acting so fcking juvenile but also trying to be super mature and serious at the same time.

No, it was an entire paragraph of blanket statements. That is my point.

The movie never pretended to be serious at any moment, it was parody through and through. Your interpretation of the movie has no bearing of the movie itself, that you think so is idiotic.
Juvenile humor was the order of the day given what kind of person the protagonist was. It's amusing that the line you hated was at the end, when the tone of the movie should've already been clear.

Fanboy's gonna fanboy.

Aw. my criticism of your vanilla review hit close to him, didn't it? Love it.

Continue amusing me.

_______________
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! These are the IMDB Boards!"

[–] matrix29 8 years ago

Want to know whats around the U-Bend when you are in a room submerged under water?
WATER.

Not AIR... WATER.
Physics says that the pressure has to balance out. If the U-Bend in the toilet trapped a bubble of air I could see maybe one short breath of methane-heavy air, but again PHYSICS.

What happens when you flush the toilet?
You create a pressure imbalance by flooding the toilet bowl with streams of water which over-powers the small U-Bend's level of water. The toilet bowl empties to balance out to the level of the U-Bend behind the flush bowl.

What happens when you flood a room with water? The same thing as if you dump a bucket of water into a toilet. IT AUTOFLUSHES. There isn't an "unlimited supply of air" (even methane-heavy stinky poop air), it just contains more water from the room which is flowing down the pipes. And that is the "clean answer".

Remember all that poop and raw sewage you flushed earlier?
If it isn't all washed away by the flushing, then it is still there, ready to float back out when the room floods. Ask anyone that lives in Florida what happens when the sewer backs up (unholy black fetid fountains of raw sewage backflowing into your house). Flood a room? All that literal fecal matter is coming back to you to say, "Howdy! I missed you, let's hug."

[–] ChrRome 8 years ago

I like to imagine the OP didn't try responding because he accepted your rebuttal and has reevaluated his life

[–] danmax67 8 years ago

I just saw this and must admit I was pretty disappointed. I guess the over the top violence was mildly amusing, but that's been done to death and better. I was expecting something better.

[–] johnericwinchester 8 years ago

I won't comment on the entirety of your post as liking something and not liking something is subjective, so there is no actual point in saying that you are wrong because you don't like it and that I'm right because I do like it. It would make no sense.

So, I'm just going to take out some bits and reply to those.

Thamuel L. Jackthon and his lithp was bad, even by SLJ standards

I am not certain what is the actual issue, is it because he is overdoing it? Because it was supposed to be over the top, that was the point. I can understand that it can be annoying, to be honest, the first time I watched it I was slightly annoyed by it - it was all right at the beginning but it just started to be tiring as the film proceeded towards its end. But now I don't mind it, I got used to it.

Michael Caine needs to stop playing the exact same fcking character in every movie.

He actually doesn't. He is a versatile actor, he has played very different types of characters during his career.

I can't believe this was directed by the same guy who made Layer Cake and Kick-Ass.

Interestingly enough you mention "Kick-Ass" which serves the same purpouse as this film. "Kick-Ass" is a parody on superhero films while "Kingsman" is a parody on spy films.

And in 2014, did we really need the "two people jumping at each other through the air in super-slow motion" shot for the nine-millionth time in an action movie?

Honestly? In this film? Yes, because it's parodying those types of films.

Plot holes wide enough to drive a Mack truck through

Such as?

dialogue that tries to be cool and subvert cliches but totally misses the point and becomes cliched

It is completely on point because it IS supposed to be cliché.

to the point where I thought it was self-parody.

It sort of is, because the film absolutely isn't taking itself seriously.

Mark Strong, who could read a phone book out loud while taking a Chipotle dump and make it entertaining.

I agree.

[–] laiwingnang 8 years ago

I really didn't think there are many plot holes. The plot is extremely condensed and I see more people getting confused with the plot rather...I think cinemasin on youtube records plotholes, etc...Kingsman has one of the lowest count in their history...

I felt Mark Strong's character is a very cliched one dimensional tough guy character...it's underdeveloped but he is there to give out commands and his inner emotions are irrelevant to the plot, so it doesn't require much character depth.

I love this movie because it's fast paced and full of details that seemed irrelevant but became interconnected as the story unfolds..everything is shown to the audience is relevant to the plot...but i hope it will stop taking itself too seriously as a classic James Bond parody because Bond is cheesy AF..

[–] johnericwinchester 8 years ago

I felt Mark Strong's character is a very cliched one dimensional tough guy character...it's underdeveloped but he is there to give out commands and his inner emotions are irrelevant to the plot, so it doesn't require much character depth.

Apart from Eggsy, we actually don't know anything about anyone...

[–] burgershmurger 8 years ago

It came across as a violent version of Austin Powers without the funny bits. Seriously, what was supposed to be funny? The violence? YAWN! It was brutal but not funny. I enjoyed Austin Powers much more thant this puerile crap.

[–] kingsmanamerlin 8 years ago

"This ain't that kind of movie."

[–] justanicknamed 8 years ago

It wasn't supposed to be laugh-out-loud funny; it was more dark humor.

And, it wasn't "Austin Powers" they were going for, it was an "anti-James Bond". As in, Bond is a sophisticated, world traveling, mature, suave man. Eggsy is barely above a street thug.

[–] MoviemanCin 8 years ago

Oh I say! I must respectfully disagree, Mr. Charles. I thought it was a ripping good show, bloody marvelous!

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

[–] marousha_n 8 years ago

You know what stinks? You retarded wall of text. This movie isn't for morons. Move along now.

"Relics of ancient times. Lonely cenotaphs. Standing along that melancholy tideland."

[–] allianz90 7 years ago

After missing the movie when it was originally released in theaters, I was finally able to watch in recently. What a disappointment. It just seemed to drag forever and I simply couldn't bring myself to care about any of the characters.

IMO it failed to live up to the potential in the trailers.