Is monogamy really that important? - Looking (2014) Discussion

[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

I feel bad for your boyfriends, you should always be honest about sex, or you don't deserve to be in a relationship. You are denying your boyfriend the RIGHT to not put himself at risk. That is his RIGHT and you don't get to decide that for him. Even if you are always safe, it is still not your decision.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

You're right, no doubt, but you kind of side stepped the point of my post.

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

I don't think I side-stepped it. I made it pretty clear that I disagree with Kevin's (and your) position on the matter. Well, more-so YOUR position, since at least Kevin wanted to be honest and open about it, whereas you said you've never told your boyfriend(s) and have no plans to do so in the future, which I think is horrible. I hope you consider changing that position.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

I don't feel guilt about sleeping with other people, only for lying about it. I would love to tell my boyfriend. The reason I don't is his unquestioned dogmatic insistence on monogamy, like seemingly most other people (even those who can't or won't be monogamous themselves). The point of my post was to question that.

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

Tell your boyfriend that you cannot be monogamous and let HIM decide how to proceed.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Again though, you're missing the point. I'm not asking for personal relationship advice, I'm asking for objective arguments for or against society's view on monogamy.

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[–] Thescottster4 9 years ago

I am terrified of the risk that you are exposing to your boyfriend. Poor man.

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[–] ithinkimdeck 9 years ago

You are complete scum. I cannot believe people like you even think they have the right to exist, much less seek out relationships.

You obviously have ZERO respect for your boyfriend. His well-being, his needs, his feelings don't even factor in for you. You are a narcissist. If you had any contact info on your profile I'd have to half a mind to find you on Facebook and share all this info with your unsuspecting boyfriend.

You should tell him the truth, a$$hole.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Judgmental, sanctimonious, hateful, spiteful, reactionary know-it-all. You don't know me. How can you think that you're a good person? You're awful.

You obviously have ZERO respect for your boyfriend. His well-being, his needs, his feelings don't even factor in for you.

You are utterly ridiculous to suggest anything you've written is obvious. You are an absurd cartoon of a human being. I must be an a$$hole to even bother replying to someone who clearly has the objectivity of a fox newscaster.

What if a squirrel wants a sausage?

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[–] ithinkimdeck 9 years ago

This is hilarious. Also. Fox News? I hate Fox News.

I am merely pointing out that you need to tell your boyfriend the truth. You can't see this because you a narcissist. You are forcing your lifestyle on your unsuspecting boyfriend. What you want is for people to validate what you are doing to him.

Also, take note. I never mentioned the word sex did I? I mentioned the lie. The LIE is the problem. The SEX is whatever you and your partner make it out to be. It's that you are blatantly LYING to him.

You have no class, no integrity. And you want to shield all this under the ruse of "I'm such a complex human being." Drivel. Just tell him the truth. You can both maturely decide how to move forward. Shouldn't he have a say in this as well?

Just be honest. If you say "I love to sleep around," who the hell can blame you?

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

I am merely pointing out that you need to tell your boyfriend the truth.

No you aren't You're calling me scum and telling me you'd gleefully enjoy ruining my life.

What if a squirrel wants a sausage?

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[–] ithinkimdeck 9 years ago

You'll have to excuse my fiery passion, but I just genuinely feel that you must be honest. I feel for this guy, I really do. I'm imaging what I would want someone to do for me.

I would want to know. Always.

Truth has no temperature. It just is.

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

If you want multiple partners, why bother with a relationship? You can have close relationships with friends and have casual sex with multiple partners. Problem solved.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Are you saying that the only difference between your friendships and your relationship with the person you intend to spend the rest of your life in partnership with is sex?

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

Of course not but many people want to be in committed loving monogamous relationship. There are others who can't do that and constantly need to play the field. Many of those people (and I have known many) have close friends who they confide in and don't or relate to a monogamous multi-faceted relationship.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Why does monogamy have to be part of that multifaceted relationship?

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Sex isn't love.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

It's an expression of lust. It's perfectly possible to be sexually attracted to people you don't even like. And can banging a stranger who you never even bothered to say so much as hi to in a bathroom stall really be confused for an expression of love? It means nothing. So why pretend?

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

For most men when you are sexual and in the prime of your life, sex is extremely important when in a new relationship. As the relationship mellows and the sex cools off (which is normal) hopefully you have the connection that keeps the partnership going.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Why does sleeping with other people hurt that connection?

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

You yourself said you feel guilty about lying about it. I'm hoping that means there's a chance you will come clean. It really should be his choice. There are plenty of people out there who would be happy to be in an open relationship, so why try to be with someone you know is against it? Because you are acting selfishly and not taking your boyfriend's feelings into consideration. You just want what you want without caring how it is going to affect other people. I hope you can come to your senses and do the right thing.

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[–] celitalaloca 9 years ago

Lying to your boyfriend, cheating on him, putting his health on risk and lose his time making him believe that you share his view about what you want in a relationship isn't love either.

Monogamy is important, besides for obvious health issues, because it is a key factor in how you define a relationship, what you want and what kind of person you are. There's nothing bad about an open relationship, always that both partners agree about it. You don't commit yourself to something that you're not willing to provide.

For me it would be like getting in a relationship claiming that I want to have kids when I actually don't and won't ever want them. I would be stealing the chance of my partner to find a person that wants the same things he wants. There's nothing bad about not wanting kids, just don't lie about it.

Pretending that you want something you don't, because you know that the relationship will be over if you say the truth is not being in love, is being selfish.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

For me it would be like getting in a relationship claiming that I want to have kids when I actually don't and won't ever want them. I would be stealing the chance of my partner to find a person that wants the same things he wants. There's nothing bad about not wanting kids, just don't lie about it.

This doesn't feel like a fair comparison. Having sex is not comparable to raising a family. It would be fairer to compare it gaming or even gambling, but not having kids.

What if a squirrel wants a sausage?

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[–] celitalaloca 9 years ago

For you maybe. But when you get into a relationship you agree into the terms that both of you want, and you are stealing that choice from your boyfriend claiming that you want something you don't and won't deliver.

Name it having kids, putting work first, long distance, eating organic food, the religion you want to educate your kids in, drug use, monogamy or whatever thing you want. Even if it is something that for everyone else is ridiculous, you know that monogamy is important to your boyfriend, so much that he would end the relationship if he knew that you're cheating, and you're choosing to lie to him instead of being honest and let him find someone else that shares his goals.

Also, I don't understand why is not a fair comparison. Sex can have life changing consequences for both you and your boyfriend just as someone lying about taking birth control when she isn't can. You could get a STD and pass it to him, just like when a straight man cheats he can impregnate someone else or if I lie about taking the pill could trap someone in having a kid when he doesn't want him and we agreed that we didn't want them.

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

But that's exactly it. It isn't. Like I said, it's an impulse you either indulge or you don't. So if we can agree it's not that important, why is it being held up as a sacred bond between two people? Isn't it just about humouring insecurities? It would make as much sense to say you can't go to movies, or go to dinner with other people. Would you think that a reasonable request? I mean, it's not like going to movies or eating out is that important. Right?

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

Because I don't want to say no, and since it doesn't matter it would be unreasonable to expect me to. Like I said, you wouldn't think it reasonable if your boyfriend asked you not to go to movies with other people. You'd expect a good reason why not.

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

Good sexual chemistry is extremely important to a healthy, loving relationship. Monogamy is also important to ME and if my partner wanted to have and 'open' relationship, I would probably say fine but I'm out of here! Did that, done that in the past and it didn't work for me.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

But we do all kinds of things with other people that we wouldn't be expected to give up. What's so special about sex?

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] shrugs 9 years ago

For the same reason pizza isn't important but I still eat it. I like it, and there's no reason not to have it every once in a while.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] dakotasdad 9 years ago

BOTH partners have to decide what they expect in a relationship.

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[–] shadowsfan18 9 years ago

But they are based on honesty.

like they say on Family Feud...GOOD ANSWER!!! lol😊

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[–] windkirby 9 years ago

I agree TC. I could easily picture having sex with friends and not having sex with long-term life partners. I don't understand why people equate sex with relationship depth. It's pretty old-fashioned. Of course it's for some people, but it's not for me. I intend to never have a relationship that's totally monogamous. I can understand cheating though I understand how it can be hurtful to the person being cheated on--but I only really sympathize with the dishonesty angle. If I found myself somehow trapped in a relationship with no real way out (Life is complicated) I would cheat in a heartbeat. Ideally it's not for me though; I would never want someone who didn't want the truth about who I am.

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

There's no such thing as being trapped in a relationship. There is such a thing as cowardice, however.

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[–] windkirby 9 years ago

That's your belief but I don't agree. You could not be in financial shape to separate from a partner and unable to change it for some time, forcing you to save face. You could be not willing to alienate your whole friend group who would side with your partner. They could have actual leverage on you in many other ways. Life is complicated. Morality is not black and white. Feel free to hate me for having this belief if it makes you feel any better.

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

Again, all I'm seeing in your response is cowardice. You're basically afraid to leave your cushy life that you've created with your lies. Not one thing that you listed is an actual good reason to lie. Now, if their father was a mob boss and would have a hit put out on you if they found out you cheated on their son, then I could see not being honest, but even then, just end the relationship.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

Actually, it is. I have a right to an opinion, especially if someone is broadcasting it.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] iatmt209 9 years ago

I'm an outraged person, on behalf of an innocent victim, is who I am, and I have every right to be and to provide my opinion on why I feel like he is wrong.

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[–] 9 years ago

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[–] ithinkimdeck 9 years ago

Lol @ this. Do you know the problem with selling your dignity? You cannot get back.

If "my friends" were to side with my cheating, lying boyfriend, they aren't "my friends" at all. I would never, ever condone ANY of my friends cheating, nor would I ever side with anyone who cheated on my friend. That's called loyalty. True friends don't do that.

Finances I can understand somewhat, but it's just money. I would never, ever depend financially on someone though, and neither should anyone else.

Actual leverage? F THAT! Anyone with self respect gets the hell out of those relationships.

Cheaters are truly scum of the earth.

P.S. I've never been cheated on, but guys who date me know well enough to move the f along if that is who they are. Why? I know people. I will find out and there will be hell to pay if I do. It's all about commanding that control.

I demand not to be cheated on.

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[–] 9 years ago

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