…a mostly random renumbering.
40. Large, attention-getting bonfires may be started in sand with one charcoal briquette propelled from a slingshot. The tactic is sound, provided you have access to a slingshot.
41. Even if water is so scarce you need to count every drop, you will never have to worry about appearing dehydrated or suffer the indignity of chapped lips. Furthermore, dry cleaning of the hair, nails and clothing will keep you looking snappy, even if H2O becomes something the next generation only knows about in legend.
42. If you do all the work and fighting, give all your water to the annoying emo guy who does nothing but look pale and whine about his kidneys shutting down. Never worry you will offend his sense of gallantry or honor: “don’t waste it on me,” is not in his vocabulary.
43. Don’t add to the annoying emo guy’s problems by informing him that the well has been dry for days - he has enough to worry about…instead, give him more water…after all, he has to at least be able to cry if necessary.
44. About every 5-20 minutes, introduce characters who sequentially speak in lower and lower volumes. Your audience will thank you for distracting them from your film by having to regularly play with the remote.
45. About every 5-20 minutes, be sure to have the screen go dark for minutes at a time. Your audience will thank you for providing them with opportunities to imagine that something interesting is actually happening even if they can’t see it.
46. Ten years without rain will make Oregon look like the Lucerne Valley of the Mojave Desert. Even at Crater Lake and along the Pacific coast. In fact, a single tanning booth turned the Sahara from a rainforest into a wasteland in one afternoon.
47. If you see strangers in the distance, leave your weapons lying on the sand as they approach so you don’t hurt their feelings by implying you might not trust them. When they arrive and start killing your people, continue to not go for your weapons and stand in a line to make it easier for them to shoot you one by one. This is known as etiquette, although some unrefined types who don’t know any better call it idiocy.
48. Costuming the Big Bad Guy in a Cassock for no particular reason adds layers and layers of subtle nuance, depth and dimension to the character and is not, by any stretch of the imagination, just a clownish, ludicrous and trite cinematic cliché.
49. When hiding from bad guys, look in the direction opposite from where they are so they won’t be able to see you. For added protection, turn your face away as well. It’s best not to know where they are.
50. Some bad guys like to bag their heads in burlap and lay buried supine in the sand on the off chance someone will pass by. In case none of the other 8 or 9 people in the cast comes along, it’s always possible a spontaneous remake of Mad Max will occur instead.
51. In the future, anything viewed through a telescope or a pair of binoculars will be distorted and blurry. This is known as Dystopiavision or Apocolypsescope. The technique has had a profound effect on filmmaking, equivalent to the effect Citizen Kane had on Francois Truffaut, or the effect Racket Girls had on Ed Wood.
52. In the future, telescopes will be rectangular, even though the optimal shape for high-quality optical lenses is circular – a fact discovered by glassmakers even before the invention of the telescope. On the other hand, a rectangular case has the added advantages of being bulkier and more difficult to hold and focus.
53. After ten years without rain there will not be anyone left in Oregon with an IQ greater than 35.7. Exactly.
54. When making a dramatic film, never hire someone who is clinically depressed to be your location scout.
55. When making a dramatic film, be sure to use 100% genuine USDA Prime actors.
reply
share