Did anyone else fantasize about a toothless BJ from Minka Kelly

Ever get a gumjob? You haven't lived until you've been gummed. Get your wiener milked by some gums,

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Um, that had not occurred to me.

The problem with casting Minka in this role wasn't so much the casting itself. It was the makeup. You have to work pretty damn hard to de-pretty Minka Kelly to the point of her being a believably toothless, drug-addicted "rode hard" hillbilly. A talented makeup artist is not enough. You need a whole crew of makeup assistants, and backup assistants. And when that fails, you need a crew of Teamsters to actually rough her up.

You can do the shot where she "puts her teeth in," but once she raises her head and starts talking, she can't look like she has perfect, natural teeth. The illusion of a trailer trash whore just doesn't hold when your actress is a genetically superior superhuman goddess.

Barring an Oscar-worthy makeup and hair miracle: Minka, if you want to pull a role like this off, you need to sacrifice like a stone-cold method actor. At least three months before the shoot begins, start on a diet of two bags of chips per day (and nothing else), smoke two packs of Salems every 24 hours, like clockwork. Drink really cheap booze (a lot), and maybe O.D. on meth and/or crack once or twice--just to get the feel of it.

Or, better yet, preserve your natural-born vessel of perfection and avoid roles like this altogether. Leave it to Christian Bale to lose 60 pounds and torture himself for a role. You just do your yoga, drink your wheatgrass smoothies, and share with the world the joy of your unmatched beauty with roles that, if not celebrate, at least feign to look past, your pure physical grace.

Embrace your natural gifts and enjoy a long and prosperous career, Ms. Kelly.

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