What I Learned from 'American Horror House'

1. No one finds it strange to have a 40-year-old man (or a zombie Brownie) wandering around unsupervised in a sorority house.

2. Private investigators don't like to be called creepy pervs - even though they creep around sorority houses and wear Members Only jackets.

3. College sororities consider a pledge class of 4 pledges (with only 3 expected to finish) to be a good recruiting year.

4. Private investigators who discover something creepy about the local sorority house don't call the police or involve the authorities in any way.

5. Morgan Fairchild has had a lot of work done.

6. Sorority house storage rooms have lots of violins in them.

7. Curiosity killed the cat ... and there's no going back.

8. Being a Kappa is like being a Marine.

9. If you're the sorority artist, you get a room with a really nice private bathroom.

10. It's a heavy burden being outstanding.

11. If you're gonna do shots, pick a hottie - 'cause it takes 2 or 3 shots of tequila to fill a fattie's belly button.

12. If you're gonna chase after ghosts in a big spooky house, you really need to have a talking dog and pot-smoking beatnik on your team.

13. Even if you're not evil, when you get killed in the Kappa house, you become evil.

14. When you get released from the nuthouse, you get dropped off at your old house with no luggage or psychiatric supervision.

15. Ghosts can be knocked out.

16. Always dress nicely. As a ghost, there's no changing clothes.

17. Dean Woermer has been reincarnated as the Kappa pledge master and is still putting people on double secret probation. Fat, drunk, and stupid is a way to go through death, son.