"The Cliff-Notes/ The A-List"

Her: "I'm a guidance counselor! I help kids!"
Him: "I'm just one of your kids, that you like to help! ...but you just found a problem with my transcript! Glad you can help me!"
"Actually, I'm a crazy-ass nutcase stalker of your dad's, from 20 years ago! So I've made this list of my own sad failings and set them on slips of paper! Go ahead and pick one -- (you can't say I didn't try to make it FUN!)"
"Wow, I sure didn't see that coming...(edging toward door, sliding backpack back on in, in super-slow motion)... maybe I'll just transfer schools, maybe night courses,, you take care, now..."
"Hey, where YOU goin'? (gives him the crazy-ass nutcase stalker eyes), DON'T YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT COLLEGE, TO STALK YOUR GIRLFRIEND? well, I can make that happen, with one illegal, immoral click of a mouse. Oh, don't tell ME how to do my stalkin'!!!"
"Hey. I look normal but I must really have needed some adult's help, 'cuz I'm just gonna put on a happy face and do whatever you say! What can it be about you that makes me obey you? Me, the cocky, Big Man on Campus! ..that's what they tell me..I mean, I hold no student office nor play any sport, let alone well. I play no instrument, nor excel at any subject...but. Well, a lot of the guys in my school will be wearing some bland Gap shirt, after they see me wear one. I just know they're copying me. My best friend's in Poetry Club..)."
(He takes the hat holding the slips of paper and begins choosing one.)