Some Things I Learned from Refuge (2013) aka The Mansion
Some Things I Learned from Refuge (2013) aka The Mansion
1. A few Photoshopped images with a lot of gray do not an apocalypse make, but I’m willing to take your word for it.
2. Post apocalyptic suburbanites will keep their lawns trimmed even though they forbid their child from playing outside to prevent attracting the attention of bad guys.
3. The police towed all abandoned and disabled vehicles immediately prior to The End, since everyone had already agreed in an online poll that the most important thing was to keep the apocalypse tidy. Hence, post apocalyptic commuting will be a breeze.
4. If you’re unable, or unwilling, to provide an explanation for the demise of the majority of the human race beyond “it was a plague,” don’t have cast members appear worried when the little girl coughs. The audience won’t know if it is part of the plot – in fact, the impression given was that the cast members didn’t know either.
5. If the little girl’s cough is part of the plot, the director should remind her to cough on more than two occasions at 25 minute intervals. It would also be helpful if she didn’t have a “Mommy, I don’t want to be in Daddy’s movie anymore” expression when she does so. Suspension of disbelief does have a limit, you know.
6. The plague spared the following – and only the following - people:
a) Eight year old white females.
b) Seventeen to twenty three year old white males who pillage and kill in packs and look like they rub their faces with old oil filters.
c) Thirty to forty year old white males who used to listen to talk radio and have found the apocalypse “liberating.”
d) Thirty to forty year old white males and females who probably used to drive Volvos, watched public television and thought Garrison Keillor was witty and profound. They are as incompetent as you would expect.
7. The plague erased all post-1985 technology. In particular, all recorded audio is available only on cassette tapes.
8. There will be plenty of pills available after the apocalypse, but your first choices may not be in stock.
9. You will always be able to find a pair of crutches if you happen to need them.
10. Low budget and cheap are not at all synonymous. A low budget is not an intrinsic measure of quality, but cheapness is (and it has nothing to do with cost). Low budget may mean much of your action is filmed in the woods. Cheap means the writers couldn’t be bothered to invent plausible backgrounds for any of the characters or their actions.
11. It’s a good idea to have the female lead speak as though the words can’t wait to fly out of her mouth and are piling up on top of each other. Given the quality of the intelligible 25% of her dialog, not understanding the other 75% was probably no loss. (One thing the studios used to do in the bad old old days was teach their actors diction and elocution, so they knew how to enunciate properly and speak clearly. It may have made for mannered speech, but at least it was comprehensible.)
12. On a positive note, thanks to the apocalypse there are no productions of Annie, Cats or anything by Andrew Lloyd Weber anywhere in the known universe, all reality TV has been permanently postponed and none of the Kardashians survived…neither did Caitlyn Jenner. It’s almost worth it.
13. Executive Parents…I mean, Executive PRODUCERS are a good thing.
14. If you have a gun and are able to sneak up on a malicious thug and his pal who are threatening to rape and kill your wife and eight year old daughter, don’t shoot – just stand and stare at them as they caper about and taunt you. This will allow their buddy time to sneak up behind you and shoot you with a crossbow.
15. If you happen to run across the people who live in the Mansion or whatever it is, walk off with them and end the movie. In particular, under no circumstances should you go back for the wounded comrade that you left in a barn. The future of the human race is looking bright.
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