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What I Learned from 'Flying Monkeys'

posted 11 years ago by GreenInkBrigade
28 replies | jump to latest

1. Ancient demons require ancient weapons.

2. It's possible to fly from China to Kansas in a DC-3 without stopping for fuel or customs.

3. Towns that have a graduating class of about a dozen seniors at the namesake high school have enough new construction to keep the local architect too busy to get to his daughter's soccer games, dance recitals, and graduation.

4. Chinese demons have a taste for pork and pooch.

5. Being told that your normally-herbivorous monkey ate only cats and birds while he was in the pet store should not raise any alarms or cause you to worry that something is amiss.

6. If you're gonna wear a v-neck sweater, you should commit to it and wear one every day of the week, with or without a shirt.

7. Immediately after the funeral of a girl's boyfriend is an opportune time to hit on her.

8. Apparently Interpol employs no Asians since two Asians barging into an apartment in Hong Kong can in no way "look like" Interpol.

9. When you make a movie about flying monkeys, be sure to sprinkle "Wizard of Oz" references throughout the movie - name the town Gale (Dorothy Gale), set it in Kansas, have scarecrows in the background of several scenes, and have someone swept into the air while riding a girl's bike with a basket.

10. Americans love using guns.

11. Shooting guns at flying monkeys attacking you is foolish and not a normal reaction to being attacked by vicious animals.

[–] gamer_12 11 years ago

Hilarious movie. Gotta love the lack of reaction after finding out that the monkey has been eating birds and cats.

And the movie is a rather thinly-veiled in its quest to be about gun control. How many times did they derisively mention that Americans love guns?

[–] WeaknessforBlondes 11 years ago

12. Those two Asian actors that played the flying monkey hunters, should never, and I mean never, receive another acting gig again. Ever...

[–] brmts 11 years ago

13. And Chinese demon monkeys love the taste of pretty white boy jocks!

[–] Cbc-MacDixy 11 years ago

Actually the best part of the movie was when they were beating the hell out of that hick pet store owner - even though he was repeatedly pointing a gun straight in their faces. That was hilarious!

[–] draftdubya-274-182961 11 years ago

When you see someone's pet for the first time you should try to kick it. The blonde girl looks like a prettier version of Lauren from Lost Girl.

[–] 11 years ago

[deleted]

[–] Taylorfirst1 11 years ago

I was trying to to figure out where I had seen her before but now I realize that she just reminded me of Lauren.

[–] Nizzemancer-1 8 years ago

...Especially if you want to bang the pets owner.

Light travels faster than sound,
that's why people seem bright,
until you hear them.

[–] draftdubya-274-182961 11 years ago

You can sale endangered animals in plan view to the public with no problems.

[–] Mr. OpEd 11 years ago

14. You don't need a holster. Your assistant goon is always there to hand you a gun or hold it for you.

15. A huge Beretta 92FS is the perfect concealed carry pistol.

16. Ancient weapons include modern crossbows.

17. You can safely assume that your tiny Chinese pilot has the ability to turn his buddy into hamburger.

18. A flying monkey can rip a man apart but can't get through a thin cockpit door.

19. High School graduates tend to be in their 20s or early 30s.

20. Kansas is so flat that they test levels on it. But the Kansas seen here looks nothing like it.

21. CGI can actually get worse each time it's used in a SyFy original.

22. All pretty young girls love getting monkeys as graduation presents.

[–] Taylorfirst1 11 years ago

LOL @ #21.

[–] maminomudromagare 11 years ago

+1 :)

[–] Carycomic 11 years ago

22.5) Vincent Ventresca apparently doesn't mind being stereotyped in Syfy Channel TV movies as a work-aholic widower with a teenage daughter/only child.*

* "Can you say, MAMMOTH?"

[–] scoup 10 years ago

Vincent Vantresca was the highlight of this movie for me. I enjoyed him in the Invisible Man and wish he could get another fun show.

+1 for #21

[–] Taylorfirst1 11 years ago

23. You should not use a gun for self defense because you never know when your attacker will be a flying demon monkey that reproduces when you kill it unless you use ancient blessed weapons.

24. People who spend their entire lives hunting demon monkeys in China have almost no Chinese accent whatsoever.

[–] LoupGarouTFTs 11 years ago

25. Capuchin monkeys are actually evil Chinese demons

26. Demons grow to like people who treat them as mindless pets.

27. If you have a pet monkey, it's always best to put a dog bed next to the window for them to sleep in.

[–] Carycomic 11 years ago

28. Electra Avellan will most likely appear in the sequel as her BFF's stepmother!*

*Anyone else notice Vinnie's right hand sliding over to her left shoulder just before the squeezed-thin ending credits?

[–] PopperTheKungFu-Dragon 9 years ago

*Anyone else notice Vinnie's right hand sliding over to her left shoulder just before the squeezed-thin ending credits?

LMAO 

I didn't notice it, but if it leads to a sequel, its all good with me. This was one fun movie 

R.I.P. Rick Ducommun and Tony Longo

[–] bzb-1 11 years ago

Don't forget there are NO LIVING MOTHERS (or other adult females) in Gale, Kansas. I guess them fellers do love their guns.

[–] bzb-1 11 years ago

It's easy to sit on your front porch and smile with a dead Chinese woman bleeding on the lawn a few feet away. And the Feds take two days to get to the suburbs of Wichita.

[–] Carycomic 11 years ago

31. The only ones NOT permitted to own firearms in Gale, Kansas, are work-aholic widowers and emancipated teenage Latina waitresses.*

*After all; Sonya's own parent(s) never showed up to congratulate her on her graduation. And, she was obviously home alone when that hsigo tried to turn her into Janet Leigh-burgers in her shower!