How it all started

BEN REYNOLDS: Hello, how do you do? Please have a seat.

MOLLY: Thank you. It's nice to finally meet you.

REYNOLDS: Thank you. Well, your recommendations from Al Qaeda and S.P.E.C.T.R.E. are glowing. I think you're the perfect person for this assignment. So what do you say? You ready to betray your country?

MOLLY: Absolutely. So what is this? Am I gonna sign up to be a U.S. agent, slowly infiltrate the U.S. government, like you?

REYNOLDS: Oh, no no no. I've got something much more--um--interesting in mind for you. See, we're working on a long-term plan to topple the U.S. government.

MOLLY: Why?

REYNOLDS: Oh, who knows. Anyways, the key to our plan is knowing the secret location where the president is stashed during a terrorist attack. We've identified a Secret Service agent who will possess this information when the time comes, and we believe he's vulnerable. Your job will be to meet him, begin a sexual relationship with him, and get him to fall in love with you. You'll have three years.

MOLLY: ...

REYNOLDS: See, we're planning on kidnapping him, putting him in a glass box, and convincing him that he's in the midst of a massive terrorist attack on the U.S. You'll be part of the simulation and ultimately help him deliver this crucial info, after which the *real* terrorist attack will begin.

MOLLY: ...

REYNOLDS: This simulation will be an elaborate operation, in which we'll attack him with bees, pretend that the car is moving to slam him around a lot, and occasionally make him think that the police are about to rescue him.

MOLLY: ...why?

REYNOLDS: Oh, just to screw with him. We'll also make him think we're going to kill you unless he gives in.

MOLLY: Ok, that part I understand.

REYNOLDS: But if all of this doesn't work, we've got a Plan B -- we'll reveal to him that it's all a simulation, but make him think it was all a training exercise. So right then, when his guard is down, you'll swoop in and go for the kill.

MOLLY: But why would he reveal it then?

REYNOLDS: Oh, it'll be on his mind. Also, we have a hunch that it might be the Washington Monument, so we'll drive by it and you can see his reaction and get it from him then.

MOLLY: Wait....if you think it's the Washington Monument, why don't you just attack the Washington Monument?

REYNOLDS: Well...

MOLLY: And I assume you mean it'd be *underneath* the Monument, because it'd be the stupidest idea in the world to put the president of the United States 500 feet in the air in one the country's most famous landmarks during a terrorist attack. So what are you going to do, run around the National Mall digging holes?

REYNOLDS: .....

MOLLY: And since this plan involves you becoming a high-ranking government official and me becoming the wife of a crucial Secret Service agent, is this really the best idea you came up with? Just sitting here I've come up with about ten better ideas, and none of them involve a bunch of Rube Goldberg bullsh!t.

REYNOLDS: Well...

MOLLY: Ever hear of waterboarding? The rack? Chinese water torture? Hell, even tickling sounds better than this. How about ice picks in his balls?

REYNOLDS: No, he'd be expecting that.

MOLLY: So what? Icepicks. In. His. Balls. I've done it to like 400 guys, and trust me--they were all expecting it. Didn't matter for a single one of them. You go ask any man if they'd rather be stung by bees in a glass box or have icepicks shoved in their balls, I guarantee they'll all pick door number one.

REYNOLDS: Now listen here, little lady, we're a vast evil global conspiracy. We know what we're doing. You know the 2008 international mortgage meltdown? That was us. Also, LeBron James going to Miami. Ben Affleck playing Batman. It's not your place to question our methods. So do you want to do this or not?

MOLLY: What does he look like?

REYNOLDS: (Shows her picture of Stephen Dorff)

MOLLY: When will I get started?



"The future cheats us from afar" -- Lord Byron