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What I Learned Watching 'Battle of Los Angeles'

posted 13 years ago by GreenInkBrigade
32 replies | jump to latest

1. The California Air National Guard is still equipped with single-action service revolvers from the 1860s.

2. California Air National Guard bases resemble abandoned Boy Scout camps.

3. There are more women fighter pilots than men fighter pilots in the US military.

4. The California Air National Guard is a lousy substitute for having a alcoholic crop duster and the president flying your fighters.

5. Aliens suck at bombing airfields. They miss the planes, communication and control points, and fuel storage. But they bomb the hell out of the barracks.

6. Guys traveling through time from 1942 will be flying a Navy/Marine plane but wearing a USAAF jacket and modern goggles.

7. California Air National Guard "soldiers" will obediently follow strange women in blue jump suits armed with samurai swords.

8. The "Battle of Los Angeles" actually takes place out in the California desert.

9. Shirts and female fighter pilots can be considered weapons.

[–] go2madmax 13 years ago

Fighter pilots really do not need to wear G-suits.

"You would not want to be stareing like that at me"

[–] wonder2525 13 years ago

You need a "High tech" government aircraft scanner to see a 2mile large space ship

[–] princeofnewyork 13 years ago

12. you can fire off a bazooka atclose range without killing yourself and others.

13. pistols/revolvers can takedown an alien aircraft.

14. alien aircrafts can shootdown jets in one shot but if you're a main cast it takes multiple shots.

15. see #14 above. And realize that it takes a skilled pilot to eject from her jet and thus turning the cockpit into a weapon to takedown an alien aircraft.

[–] FCA1975 13 years ago

You skipped 10 adn 11, which should be 1 and 2.

10. Independence Day looks really lame on a significantly reduced budget

11. A lobotomy actually does not sound like a bad idea after all

[–] Shoghi 13 years ago

16. The government is ready AND willing to launch strategic nuclear missiles at alien ships two minutes after their arrival. They also don't seem to care about collateral damage to the population.

17. A hostile alien species that is capable of reprogramming incoming missiles would probably not be able to reprogram your jet figter.

18. Alien ships tend to generate an anomaly which results in your figter plane, coming at the alien ship at high speed, to hover at a fixed distance from their ship. When you decide to fire from a close range you are suddenly teleported to the ship.

[–] JesterJuno 13 years ago

19. Samurai swords and eye patches will be standerd issue for the american military.

[–] GreenInkBrigade 13 years ago

I believe the two un-numbered entries were counted as 10 and 11.

[–] GreenInkBrigade 13 years ago

20. "Kill Bill" should now be considered a military training film.

21. To bring down an alien space ship, just kill the large worm inside of it.

[–] Eigan 13 years ago

22. When someone unleashes some green spray on your face, you don't need to react to it whatsoever.

23. Blowing up stuff is a pale substitute for a well-written, coherent plot.

__________
Charlie Sheen is bi-winning.

[–] wavemaninawe 13 years ago

24. A mean scowl allows you to survive point blank explosions.

25. It however doesn't protect very well against falling aircraft.

26. When the big alien invasion comes and everything goes to hell, Charlie Murphy will keep making emergency broadcasts until the bitter end.

27. Cartwheeling through open terrain is a good way to dodge gunfire.

28. All extra terrestrials love Reece's Pieces.

29. If an enemy craft proves to be completely bullet proof, then it's probably not a good idea to walk closer and keep shooting at it.

30. Volvo makes cars sturdier than most tanks.

31. Slaves are very expensive. So much that if you lose one, it's totally worth invading another planet to get it back.

32. The US military doesn't teach it's troops the inherent danger of trash compactors.

33. Snails have teeth.

34. A hand grenade exploding 2 meters away from you is completely harmless.

35. Katanas can cut through anything. It's true... check the internet.

36. At 49, Nia Peeples still has a sweet ass and toned muscles.

37. If all else fails, pick your ride apart and throw it at the enemy... 'cause that's how we do.

38. Snails use remote controls.

39. Kel Mitchell is the Chosen One.

40. Los Angeles has more wasted space than any other city/town on the planet. All those buildings, but no people in them.

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

[–] disconnexions 13 years ago

41. You can use vacuum tubes to power a car.

42. Any Black man can fly an alien spacecraft. Just ask Kel Mitchell & Will Smith.

43. Some film makers still use Windows 95 to create special effects.

44. Kel Mitchell can get top billing on a movie and still have the least amount of dialogue.

http://www.facebook.com/bringbacklaworder

[–] raypdaley182 13 years ago

45. An Air Force Officer will pass command to another Air Force Office using Naval terminology as he is dying. Despite the fact he already told said officer he was in charge if he died.

46. An Air Force Officer will happily take commands from someone representing an alledgedly non-existant organisation without asking for any ID first.

47. An MJ12 Operative will stupidly mistake F-18 Strike Hornets for F-22's.

48. Script writers will make an E.T reference joke but not mention Orange Soda.

49. No-one kills Solandro except Solandro.

50. M16 rifles being fired on full automatic won't eject any spent casings at all.

51. Air Force members will instantly know how to fire an alien weapon as soon as they see it.

52. A spaceship flying at light speed will fly through another much bigger spaceship like a hot knife through butter.

53. Its possible to launch a National Guard F-18 without any ground crew or steps to climb up to the cockpit.

54. National Guard Air Force people will adhere to the Marine Corps addage of "No Man Left behind" despite the fact its a Marine Corps only policy.

[–] toph1980 13 years ago

55. Finally, Asylum succeeded in making a movie much better than it's Hollywood counterpart

--
A picture with a smile -- and perhaps, a tear.

[–] judge_judge15 13 years ago

56. Military personel are trained to evade hand grenade explosions by demonstrating the acrobatic ability of an arthritic 80 year old woman

[–] acrow-36-911027 13 years ago

57. When hanging outside a hatch in a military vehicle wearing your helmet will make you invisible in exterior shots.

58. Aliens will send a representative to give us a message but try to kill us and him while delivering that message.

59. Ammo clips are for show only. They actually hold an unlimited amount of bullets. Unless it is an Alien weapon 10X the size of our weapons. Those only hold about 4 rounds of ammo.

60. Men are tough and can handle most dangers without fear or emotion unless it is a hovering orb the size of a baseball, then they are reduced to tears.

61. "That's how we do!" is the best thing to yell at a downed space craft.

[–] wavemaninawe 13 years ago

Correction:

52. A spaceship flying at light speed will fly through another much bigger spaceship like a hot knife through butter... if it's being piloted by Kel Mitchell.

Priests adore prophets, prophets resent priests

[–] kidballa8 13 years ago

53. when running through a town that has been slaughtered, A booming economy is a population of 2

54. Robot aliens will shoot you down if you get close but not kill you until someone reaches out for you

55. only 80 year old servicemen can take out a spacecraft with a pistol and use alien weaponry.

56. once again, no 1 kills solano but solano

57. when shooting an alien spacecraft its best to do a kart wheel 1st.

58. when theres no immediate danger keep everyone moving forward normally while the last man in line scopes out the field with his gun.

59. guns are not effective against space craft, but when you use a sword its a whole new ball game.

60. Laptop Bags are an important part of a military uniform.

61. U.S military from the past can speak an Alien Language and people in the present will not find it odd.

[–] double_c 13 years ago

62. You just CAN'T crash an alien mothership in the center of the city--but it's perfectly OK to crash it in the suburbs where all the people actually LIVE.
63. Burgess Meredith didn't die, he just joined the California Air National Guard. And he brought the pistol he bought as a child with him.

Elvis is DEAD

[–] antiotter 13 years ago

64. The Air National Guard wears Marine Corps helmets, and badly faded Army fatigues, complete with Army lapel rank and shoulder insignia.

65: Rolling five feet away from a grenade will not instantly kill you.

66. The California ANG wears their Marine Corps helmet covers backwrds (the flap should be in the back).

67. You can cook a grenade without releasing the spoon.

68. Running around in southern California in body armor, but without water canteens, won't leave you dehydrated.

69. A time-traveling airman from the 1940s won't be surprised to see racially integrated combat units.

70. Air Force personnel refer to each other as "soldier."

71. M67 frag grenades bounce like superballs.

[–] BrayGurl 13 years ago

24. Alien trash cans can obliterate some targets with one weapon but will use a ton of shots to kill the commanding officer hiding in the middle of the road!

[–] cowboy7393 13 years ago

24. That Zach Braff was so ashamed of having been in this thing (pilot who wouldn't get his plane in the air) that he ordered his name removed from the credits. And, no, I'm not going back to waste any no more of my short time left on this Earth to confirm that fact by spending any more time with this movie. This thing sucks on so many levels it's hard where to know where to begin.

[–] CourtKneeMZ 13 years ago

1. Stage 4 lung cancer won't kill you, but a giant, exploding plastic alien ship will.

Outside the street's on fire in a real death waltz between what's flesh and what's fantasy

[–] robinslance 13 years ago

24. Shell casings are invisible

25. You don't even have to fire in the same general direction as the alien probes and ships and you'll still hit them.

26. Gernades have a longer shelf life in someones hand than we thought.

27. Why bother driving a dead persons car when you can make it there on foot.

28. A blue jump suit and Samurai Sword will soften your landing on a sixty foot jump so that you won't break part of your anatomy.

29. Your depth perception won't be diminished if you lose your left eye.

[–] fishbone-6 13 years ago

72. The US Military have to mark their underground floors (one mile beneath the surface) with "No roof access".

73. Also they mark floor 15 below ground with P3, and floor 14 with P2.

74. Nobody in the world knows how to protect themselves from EMP.

75. The US Military makes each floor over 370 feet tall, when making an underground secret base.

76. The US Military have their own Elevator operator in secret bases, even if less then 10 people works in that specific base.

77. The military vehicles uses a contraption to inverse the steering.

[–] hiccupd 13 years ago

Most of the ones I had come up with have already been thoroughly said in this thread, but I have to say, this has been an enjoyable treat to read. Absolutely hilarious.

[–] michael_cassio2010 13 years ago

78. The standard complement of a Air Force Base is approximately 10.

79. Civilians, when exposed to the horrors of an alien invasion, will not only congregate most of their vehicles to one section of the road in haphazard fashion but some will even try to exit through the passenger car door, only to die face-down near said door.

80. Slow motion katana movements makes for REALLY loud sound effects.

81. Base commanders, when hit by crashing spacecraft, instantly explode into flame with no debris about the crash site.

83. A bazooka blast will not do any surface damage to an automatic door weapon, only deactivate it.

84. Military personnel and aliens alike have terrible aim, regardless of their environment during the conflict.

85. Alien worms, when in pain, sound like Star Wars TIE Fighters.

86. It is fairly easy to walk off of a crashed mothership and celebrate in the suburbs of Los Angeles.

[–] bcotten-83-470698 13 years ago

87. Highly secure secret military installations are constructed out of milk crates, paint can lids, and randomly placed led lights.
88. The military hired a terrible HVAC contractor who left 90% of the duct work exposed and randomly hanging from the ceiling. Your tax dollars at work...
89. Aliens build their mothership interiors out of the same milk crates that the military does.
90. Aliens make extremely weak and unreliable trash compactors made out of said milk crates. So much so that small humans can push it back with one hand.
91. When communicating with a captive alien, it's best to use your Scout Master's podium and Jonny Carson's microphone.

[–] jamstar52 12 years ago

92. The California ANC stores M16s in an unsecured building fully loaded and ready to fire merely by pulling the charging handle to chamber the first round.
93 . Single-action Colt clone revolvers are standard issue side arms because they make such great antiaircraft weapons.

[–] my_newsletter 13 years ago

These movies can probably get more and more stupid and people will still watch it on SyFy...

"I gotta make more time to watch the next more stupid and foolish SyFy coming up this weekend!"

[–] judge_judge15 12 years ago

I learnt that despite believing that I have a penchant for classy, witty, complex and well-made movies; in actual fact I really will watch any old s**t...

[–] Reverend_Dr_Syn 11 years ago

After watching an Asylum flick, I think I learned how a stroke victim must feel.