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100 Things I Learned From Watching Alice in Murderland.

posted 13 years ago by Timescrew
8 replies | jump to latest

100 Things I Learned From Watching Alice in Murderland.

01. When someone is repeatably swinging an axe and hacking into your body with all their might, don't bother screaming. A few gestures of surprise are adequate to express your protest.

02. Should you drop your cellphone, during a scuffle with an acquaintance, don't bother looking for it right away. Instead, wait until a dire emergency necessitates its presence.

03. When kicking an intruder out of your home, don't bother walking them out and making sure they actually leave. The honor system is in play, and they will dutifully see themselves out as requested.

04. When being asked to leave, proceed to the nearest closet door and pretend to exit from there. (Okay, this one is bad. But, come on, that was OBVIOUSLY a closet door, not the front door.)

05. On the anniversary of your mother's death, which happens to coincide with your birthday, it is considered appropriate to hold your birthday party at the location of her death.

06. In a small sorority house, it is perfectly natural for all of its residents to be comely women.

07. Be warned when using the phrase "spilling my guts" repeatedly. You might be required to do so. Literaly.

08. As the only mature adult at a party it is expected that you will take your time before attempting to break up a fight between two of your charges.

09. Although you know the location is riddled with traps, simply ignore them and proceed with having a party.

10. Sexy asian girls bite.

11. Notice: Falling asleep during your themed 21st birthday party does not mean you should consider leaving. Instead, mope around the place and expect that it will somehow get better.

12. The Jabberwocky is an "ugly sumbitch".

13. While wearing the Jabberwocky getup, the fact that you are a female will be completely obscured. Your breasts will be replaced by a broad chest and you will be equipped with broad shoulders too.

14. Butterfly costumes are cheaper than caterpillar costumes.

15. ... the rest is up to you.

But I feel sorry for you if you watched this film.

There is no flavor text!

[–] Lrdcemb 13 years ago

Ahahahahahaha!!!!!

Reading these made watching the movie worth it just for the laugh. roflol

[–] 13 years ago

[deleted]

[–] jwill602 12 years ago

This post made the entire film worth watching.

[–] venus974 11 years ago

16. If your name is Alice and an Alice in Wonderland theme party is planned all your friends names and personalities all seem to fit the theme too.

17. On your 21st b-day have a lame party with a few girls, no liquor, no boys and drink tea.

18. When a boy sneaks into your party through a window on a ladder and gets caught and told to leave- don't use the door go back out the window.

19. After you climb down the ladder don't walk to the busy street behind you, go through a junkyard at night.

20. When you eat "magic" mushrooms like you eat potato chips- a shower will get it out of your system.

21. When your getting hacked with an ax repeatedly you barely bleed,yet get stabbed with a knife once and you look like someone poured a bucket of blood over your head and another one on the shower walls behind you.

22. Weird Uncles chaperoning parties talk like priests.

23. Apparently people hoard sewing machines that get brought up repeatedly, but have nothing to do with anything.

[–] nekaldoe 11 years ago

24. When glued to a toilet it's fine to leave your friend there armed only with hair spray when a murderer is around killing your friends.

25. It's okay to talk about your friends murdered parents in front of said friend.

26. Don't worry. When a murderer is in the house, act really slow and calm.

[–] lapdr6119 11 years ago

27. Acting MUST be kept to a fifth grade level. Imagine "Death Of A Salesman" as performed by developmentally challanged eleven year olds.

28. "Gay" men are ALWAYS flamboyant. Play 'em like that. Wings, tutus, magic wands and fairy dust are optional but encouraged for the sake of humor.

29. When playing a "mad" scene, never think Lady Macbeth. Always think Woody Woodpecker. Remember nothing says batsh_t crazy like hysterical laughter.

It's gonna rain. I'm picturing Jackie Johnson in thigh high rubber boots.

[–] mgmill06 10 years ago

30) A building by a junk yard in a shady part of town is perfect for school theatre productions, but you should be quite leery of hosting a birthday party there.

31) When addressing students at the college you teach, it is completely normal to call them, "child".

32) It is also acceptable to express only vague curiosity at why a student who previously threatened you was trespassing on your property.

33) When a colleague plans to behead someone from the front, make sure you stand firmly behind the victim (holding them in place), as there will be no blood or risk of being hit by the axe blade.

34) Slightly stepping on a cell phone will smash it into bits, don't get carried away!

35) Upon witnessing the bloodied body of your sister, and being subsequently accosted, do not by any means shed any tears or show much grief.

36) When dressing for a period twenty years ago, make sure to wear a currently fashionable top.

37) If you love making people feel good, study chemistry.

38) Whether you are cast as an eccentric professor, bitchy sorority sister, full out dumbass, or aloof slightly traumatized girl, make sure you play out these stereotypes to the fullest extent possible! No such thing as excess!

39) It's alright if your niece is dating a POS because, well, you're fond of her! You'll suffer that trash gladly!

40) If you've purchased a building that is still fairly empty, make sure you watch out for wires and buckets of water on ledges - nasty things are dreadfully hard to spot!

[–] Quuon 10 years ago

This was legitimately one of the funniest movies I've watched in a long time.