Things I learned from Inbred

1. It’s always a great idea to take four teenagers—three strapping young lads with tendancies toward violence—out into a remote area and order them to do menial labor. They’ll be cool with that.

2. Allow them to watch torture porn on their cell phones on the way there. All teenagers, no matter how undisciplined, should be able to find comfort when they need it.

3. Girl juvenile delinquents aren’t violent. They are incredible sissies who cry all the time.

4. Cut-offs and purple tights are all the rage for women of a certain age in the UK.

5. If you’re hiding cell phones from the juvies you’re taking care of, don’t even tell your partner where they are—hell, take hers, too! She yuks it up too much with them—they may be in cahoots against you.

6. When you’re in an isolated, backwater-type town in the middle of nowhere, make sure you go to the creepy local pub and walk in like you belong there. It’s not like you’ve been warned by a million movies in which the hero(es) do that to catastrophic effect.

7. If you don’t like the lemonade, make sure you call it “p*ss” as loudly as possible. Also, yell *beep* me” when handed a colloquial appetizer. It’s customary in those parts.

8. Make sure you mention where you’re staying to the locals. That way if anything happens, you can count on them for help.

9. The ghost of Sid Vicious often appears as an extra in films that deal with rural miscreants.

10. Butcher knives are great for pain control.

11. Hey! The guy from American Horror Story!

12. If you talk from one side of your mouth, people will mistake it for deformity. Cuts down on the make-up budget!

13. If you’re tied down to the ground with croquet hoops, don’t bother to easily slip your skinny wrists through. If you comply, they’ll probably let you go.

14. The Inbred like to cuddle, too.

15. It’s completely legal to creatively murder teenage boys if they’re wearing wigs.

16. Arsonists minor in hot-wiring cars.

17. If someone directly in the path of your van fires a gun at you, don’t run him over right away. Timing is everything.

18. Running over a person will temporary make your van get stuck. But don’t worry; in the next scene you’re good to go.

19. If you escape from your would-be murderers, make sure you return to the place you were staying for those hidden phones. I mean, it sucks to lose all your numbers.

20. If the locals are attacking, make sure you sit on the window seat, with your back facing them. Maybe if they know you’re disappointed in their behavior, they’ll leave shamefaced.

21. Pulling glass out of someone’s face is SUCH a turn-on.

22. If you find cases of booze in a basement, taste it and spit it out. When it turns out to be water (or something) in the end, well, don’t YOU feel stupid.

23. Pet weasels ruin lives.