I couldn't take it.....

I turned this on on Netflix tonight, I knew it wasn't going to be great, but I at least thought it would be some mindless fun.

Oh lord, how wrong I was.

There's B movies that are fun to watch with others, simply to mock and laugh at some of the ridiculous crap that happens.

But when it occurs every 15 seconds, well....

See, B movies at least make sense in their ridiculousness, they have good continuity, cheesy but not bad effects, so on and so on.

Spiders, within minutes of starting, shows you just how absurd this whole movie is going to be. For one simple reason, one of the first set pieces, the entrance down into a subway station, is used ad infinitum throughout the movie. Again, and again, and again, AND AGAIN, you will see this same entrance, the same streets, the same shop signs, the same entrance to the apartment building, THE SAME *beep* FEW METERS OF TRAIN TRACK

It's ridiculous how much they reuse the same locations, their whole budget must have gone to the laughably bad CGI for the spiders.

And then you got people saying things, as if they've already happened, or the person they're telling didn't already know, and then it happening, and us being shown earlier that the person did IN FACT know!

Example, russian doctor says "Now that the queen has been born" and then 30 seconds later? Is watching the queen being born >.> Then the main characters wife, knows about the quarantine, but later insists they have to go find their daughter....right after he mentions to her they're quarantined in the apartment.

First, you knew this. Second, you KNOW where they are, he JUST told you.

Then you've got the top notch dialogue like "I've gotta bounce", or the daughter hugging her father, and talking to him, but the "actress" isn't even moving her mouth!!

Then you have the stupidest government ever! "Let's cage these things down here...oops, they got out....but don't kill them....ahhh, it's been long enough, kill em" or "We're keeping you all in your apartments! Still keeping you here....still....oops, the movies getting to the end, we're evacuating you all now, making the point of having kept you here....well there was no point really"

Then the plot reasoning, oh boy......russians or soviet union, whoever, finds a craft in the ice! And on board, something you wouldn't believe! So...we decided to splice it, IN SPACE, with various creatures....and spiders were able to be spliced, and still survive earths gravity! But oh, wait, they killed the crew and got abandoned in this satellite. Ahhhh, we'll just leave them there....until some meteors hit it!

THEN, we'll remember, and reveal that we've been working with the US government to get this queen spider, and we somehow magically know that she spins webbing, which is lightweight and bullet proof!

That's right, the whole plot is - get the queen, have her spin webbing, so we can have our soldiers or whoever wear it. That has GOT to be the dumbest *beep* explanation for something EVER.

And the whole movie is like this, just something ridiculously stupid again, and again, and again. Not "haha, that's terrible, but funny" stupid, just....who the *beep* wrote this stupid.

Because the kicker is, the movie is actually trying to be serious the whole time. They ACTUALLY try to pass this all off, as being SERIOUS.

And lastly, the biggest kicker...there's only a few spiders shown in the satellite....the meteor breaks that apart, and some of the spiders attach to it. They then bite some humans and lay a *beep* ton of eggs in them somehow just by biting them....and one of them is a queen egg, which can of course make tons more of these spiders! Never mind that the spiders in general lay tons of normal eggs in humans when biting them.

And despite only biting a few homeless people, there ends up being hundreds of these things in this underground castle looking thing right off a subway track. And oh yeah, they grow about 6 inches every hour, so eventually, they start to magically grow 3-4 times their size, but then just stop eventually.

And then, the queen, who they "hide" from being seen until near the end, is bigger than a *beep* building, yet was hidden in this tiny ass space the whole time after being born.

The spiders growth cycle and how they reproduce makes no *beep* sense.

The movie never comes up with good or even decent explanations for anything, it's all far fetched, or just "Oh yeah...this does this, and that's it....it doesn't make sense, but it happens for the plot"

By the end, I was so sick of watching people firing guns and the gun noises not being anywhere close to the muzzle flashes on screen (whoever the sound guy was....never let him work on a film EVER AGAIN) I couldn't finish it. There was just no way to keep going. I might turn it back on in a week or so to bother seeing what kind of stupid resolution they come up with.

Avoid this plague of a movie at all costs. How this EVER got an actual theatrical release is beyond me.

PS THIRD RAILS ON ANY TRAIN OR SUBWAY TRACK ARE NEVER RAISED A FOOT OFF THE *beep* GROUND. ANYWHERE.