My DELETED Review

I would like to first begin by saying how amusing it is that my review
was deleted, and then a new review was posted highlighting that he's
"not a disgruntled extra". My review didn't break any guideline
rules--it's a review. Don't take it so personally. In addition,
"disgruntled extra" is a very funny way of putting who I am. I would
love to see how you'd feel after volunteering to help shoot a film,
driving quite a distance to stand in snow until midnight, and then get
told that the hot food being displayed for you is "for paid actors
only." Very sweet guy, let me tell you.

This movie is pretty awful. I saw a screening of it recently in Kansas
City, and I was a walk-on extra during the "search" scene (which, by
the way, was a horrible experience), and I was truly excited. Sure,
they didn't include my wife's name in the credits even though she
nearly froze to death doing their stupid scene--which showed up as a
MONTAGE in the movie. Sure, my name's in the credits--as a CLUB PATRON,
when I wasn't even IN A CLUB! But these "film makers" somehow managed
to take a semi-interesting concept and turn it into a giant turd of a
film that only the retarded would find decent. If the movie was made as
a spoof-horror for comedic purposes then it would get a 10 from me. I
found myself struggling to hold in my laughter throughout several
scenes in the movie, especially during scenes that were supposed to be
"scary!" I'm going to flood this review with spoilers, so I hope you
guys are ready for this. If not, stop reading at this point and do
everything in your power not to waste your time with this flick.

*~OH MY GOD, SPOILERS!!~* Now then, let's begin. First, the
stereotypes. I love how the movie opens up to two horrible actors in
some grocery store, both with the worst mid-western accents I've ever
seen. News flash, Fetch: WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. The dialog was about
as uncomfortable as you could get, and the script was amazingly bad.
Fast forward to a bunch of horrible acting and a plot full of holes,
and you've got a perverted old Sheriff who enjoys advancing on
prostitutes while his crippled / perverted wife watches and gives
pointers. Another uncomfortable movie, but not because it's
"distbrung", "strange", or "frightening", but because the acting's
horrible and there's no rhyme or reason for any of it. It's just plain
crap.

Fast forward over some mindless blah blah blah and you have a mentally
handicapped guy looking so incredibly stereotypical. Do this for a
second, readers: close your eyes and imagine an overweight retard with
a beard. Imagine what he's wearing and how he's acting. Yep, you nailed
it! He's wearing a flopping stocking cap with a fuzzy ball on the end
and is overacting his handicap! Way to go, Fetch! Now give him some
chips and stick him in the back seat--he'll entertain himself! Also,
why is there so much mindless nudity in this movie? Mindless, tasteless
nudity-- especially in the opening credits. Don't get me wrong, I love
nudity-- but besides the horrible acting, plot, and storyline, I'd bet
you that the excessive amount of nudity plays a role in the reason why
this movie will NEVER hit theaters and probably won't even sell as a
DVD ANYWHERE.

Another spoiler--so, the killer is this guy that's missing half of his
"junk" and is really upset about it. He stores these girls in chicken
coops in his barn, yells out a bunch of nonsense when he's around them,
and then kills them and feeds them to his dogs (which, by the way, are
cute little dogs that were actually the only nice thing during
filming). The movie doesn't explain why the dogs are hungry enough to
eat people, what happens to the remains of the dead people (or the
smell), why the killer is angry-- basically, we have no clue why any of
this is happening. None of this is scary, by the way. It's all very
predictable, and the acting makes most of it pretty funny. The girls
are in chicken coops, people. Chicken coops! An 8 year old child can
probably kick his way out of a chicken coop, yet all these girls can do
is mildly cry a little bit and whine about their situation. Oh, and
when I say they "mildly cry and whine", I mean they seriously pout. If
I was caged by a madman killer, I wouldn't just whine and cry a little
bit--I'd sob and do everything in my power to escape!! Even a little
speck of realism would have been appreciated, but they couldn't even
deliver that!! All in all, I would highly suggest seeing this movie if
you're into wasting time and/or laughing at something that's not meant
to be funny. You'll walk away from it feeling bad for the dog (which
gets SHOT, by the way, as if the dog really had a choice in the
matter), and pretty much feeling sorry for yourself for staring at the
television for the last few hours. The positive reviews on this site
had to be created by the movie makers, themselves, which is pretty sad.
Throw any positive review you've ever seen out of the window, because
they're wrong.

Way to go, Fetch. Way to go. Worst. Movie. Ever.