1) Russians are very good at welding.
2) Sasha Dhawan can't act for toffee.
3) Nuclear reactors have windows in them so you can see the core.
4) 'Lurch' is a really cool name for a submarine.
5) Being on board a submarine negatively affects everyone's acting ability.
6) nuclear reactors have old manual dials. when they go into the red, the reactor explodes.
7) old abandoned submarines are warm enough to walk around in
8) minnie driver doesn't know how to act as a captain of a submarine
9) the russian girl can't act
10) the young guy has done a great job of taking over from the annoying girl in episode 1 as the person we most want to die
11) if you get kidnapped and trapped in a russian sub, its worth looking out the porthole just in case your hubby is floating past.
12) motherboards are all the same and are dead easy to install
13)Arctic research stations have one room that looks like a cheap set from blakes 7.
The Deep abounds with cliches and bad acting. As a fan of awful 1950s sci-fi movies I'm loving it. Awful. Truly awful Well done BBC!
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
14. Airlocks are optional – they can be a vital plot point on one vessel, and completely forgotten about on another.
15. Giant submarines operating at -200ft can be pressurised enough to have permanently open moonpools.
16. UN sanctioned submarine crews are allowed to drink beer on board. Evian will be provided for the non-drinkers.
17. If you are one of a two-man crew at a remote outpost, you can threaten to kill the other crewman to hide your crimes, without worrying that there may be a shortage of other suspects afterwards!
17. Haha! oh yeah...
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
18: the BBC really dont care what they spend our licsence fee money on!!! they have a crew of monkeys making these scripts get greenlit!!!
"she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."
19. If forced by "kidnappers" to undergo a form of russian roulette, it's best to just accept your fate and agree to it, despite both outnumbering and surrounding the kidnappers, who aren't always too alert with their guns.
20. Being held captive deep under the sea is obviously hugely exciting and entertaining because despite having a view of nothing but pitch blackness, when something actually comes into view outside your window, it's not worth looking at for more than a second.
21. If you have long hair, always cut it shorter when away for long periods, just to make sure your other half doesn't think he's imagining things when he catches a glimpse of you. It doesn't matter if you've "always had long hair", you must cut it shorter. Or vice versa, if you have short hair, put on a wig.
22. Don't be fooled by the following weeks trailers. The following weeks ep will not be half as exciting and you will actually find it is get worse.
It's a Pez. I eat a Pez now. Pez dispenser's are cool.
23. The most important "failsafe" on a Russian nuclear submarine needs someone to die for it to work.
24. Every circuit board is a motherboard. And they're all interchangeable - no need to count.
25. The more times you fail to keep in contact with your crew and *beep* them over, the more you'll be entrusted with the most critical missions.
26. If you speak and read Russian and English, you'll be put in charge of the British minisub and if you only speak and read English then you'll be given the Russian one.
share27. You will be able to insert rods into the core of a nuclear reactor successfully without being shown how.
28. If you're on a life-or-death mission to save you and your colleagues being blown up in a nuclear explosion, the site of a hag fish will be enough to distract you from the mission in hand and make you reminisce.
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
50. At diving stations one of the CO's jobs is to run the switchboard and patiently explain to incoming callers why it's not convenient for them to be patched through to their spouses.
51. Hand-held ICOMS ("walkie-talkies") work great through a pressure hull and 30m of water ...
52. ... except hang on, it's not a pressure hull because in order to have an indoor swimming pool all submarine internal spaces are kept at sea pressure.
53. We all thought Russian boats were a little more gung ho when it came to reactor safety, but until now we hadn't appreciated that meant no automatic scramming, and putting the manual scram button in the reactor compartment.
54. Vincent is hard as nails, because he walks in to the RC when the reactor is running and *walks out again*.
[deleted]
Re. 26 - Also, if you read Russian and English and are the electronic expert who knows exactly where the motherboard is, then you are put in charge of the mini-sub which stays behind.
share29. Just because something is on BBC HD and will look and sound great, and is also in a genre you really like, doesn't mean it'll be any good.
share30: theres actually not much more to learn about the deep...except dont watch it more than once!! in your life.
"she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."
31. Vampire Squid from Hell live in the Artic, not in the tropics as previously thought.
32. When sending someone to retrieve something from another vessel in a submersible- Why not send your submersible expert rather than your engineer.
33. Demand that your local timezone be used even though it is pointless and meaningless.
34. Comms rooms that are really handy in an emergency should be placed on the part of the ship that most susceptible to flooding.
35. When you have the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything, entrust it to your 10 year old daughter. Because no-one would think about torturing a 10 year old girl.
[deleted]
42. If you miraculously save your wife who you thought was dead you will have zero physical chemistry with each other.
43. The best way of getting rid of prowlers in not to call the police, but to smash a computer with a hammer in front of them.
44. The best way of prowling is to park your car outside the house in question in broad daylight.
45. If you smell apricots you will say it out loud.
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
46. You will never need to take a *beep*
47. You will be warm enough to go down in a little bubble craft in a thin jumper
despite your 2 friends nearly dying of cold in massive jackets in the same thing.
48. You will be fortunate enough to have someone onboard who is fluent in Russian.
49. You will not be able to search for porn as you have no internet what would you do?
52 British submercible captains take 'oaths' to protect their crew.
53 Then do their damnest to put them in danger.
54 The deeper into the depths one goes the worse the ability of BBC scriptwriters gets to come up with some decent dialogue.
55 Only the most unsuitable and unstable candidates for deep sea exploration work will be considered by us Brits for deep sea exploration work.
56 Russian Spetsnaz guys are not so bad after all.
57 But are really poor at shooting guns accurately at 2000 feet under the sea.
58 David Jason did a better submarine drama on ITV.
59 Lava bugs fart acid.
60 Isolation at an Arctic UN listening station will eventually lead to bondage sessions.
61. A giant microwave will work well in the ocean and not just heat up the water like your domestic microwave does with a cup-a-soup.
share62. I can't hate anything with James Nesbitt in it, no matter how many flaws it may have. :)
63. Russian engineers should really think things through and exhaust all options before they commit one of their crew to certain death by radiation poisoning, instead of just pretending they've thought it through and exhausted all options, and telling everyone it's the ONLY solution when it isn't.
64. A moon pool will be perfectly still an unaffected by ocean currents.
65. Military submarines have large windows in them so you can look out at the view without any affect on the strength of the vessel.
66. A submersible rover can have a large bubble window when going down to depths of 4000 feet.
67. Submarines are roomy place where space is not at a premium.
68. There is room on board for a spacious Ikea kitchen with MDF units as there is no chance of water seeping in.
69. Russians ALWAYS use nuclear power. In case we needed any more proof that no-one has moved on from the Cold War.
share70. Extrmeophiles which can only live in the silt at the bottom of a 2 mile trench also thrive perfectly happily on the hull of a submarine 2000 feet down.
71. They can also get inside the nuclear reactor of the sub, and guess what? They like it there too, enough to corrode the big tap.
72. If the big tap leaks and releases pressure inside a nuclear reactor, only a human sacrifice can prevent the reactor from exploding in a few hours.
73. If your mini-sub is down to it's last minutes of power, just leave it around for a day or so and it'll gain so much that you won't even have to bother monitoring it.
74. If you're randomly bleeding due to a heavy dose of microwaves, don't worry - you'll be all better after a little sleep.
75. The Russians have so sophisticated cloaking technology, the biggest sub the world has ever seen, deserted and about to go critical, does not show up on a radar monitoring station directly above it.
- Now that you've read this, there's no going back -
76. Russians are easily spotted across the moonpool. However, Irish guys are invisible.
77. Comatose dreams can be very useful and wise.
78. If a large xray type event is going to happen near you thousands of feet under water, then stay out of the corridors of your sub; the walls offer no resistance. Every other room on the sub though is perfectly ok.
79. Old grannies are very canny and can outwit trained operatives with a simple switcheroo.
80. My level of patience with sci-fi tv/films far exceeds most other genres. 5 hours I watched of this trash. I will never watch anything by anyone involved ever again.
81. Stuffed monkeys will never be searched.
82. Even when you are dying with radiation you will be able to time your last words to the exact milisecond before a nuclear explosion.
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
83. No matter how far below the ice you are, follow the Beluga Whale to find the hole to surface through.
84. Getting high on morphine, amphetamines and adrenaline is a great way to get you ready to blow the nuclear sub.
85. No matter what they say about being green, Americans are only interested in oil and will spend whatever it costs in money and lives to make sure an alternative is never found.
The Long Walk stops every year, just once.
86.) If in a 'shock' twist, it turns out a main character didn't die, he will be given nothing to do but kill one of the good guys and fail to stop the bad guys from firing the radar weapon.
87.)A UN observer at the North Pole in episode 1 will spot unusual underwater activity and report it to external scientists. In Episode 5 he will remember that his job his to keep unusual activity quiet thus making nonsense of that subplot.
<applauds no. 87>
88. The best way of covering up major corruption where many people have been killed, and a flagrant disregard for myriad international conventions, is to let the few survivors go and actually help them get home - only letting them take their personal effects, mind!
www.igloooftheuncanny.blogspot.com
89. When trying to microwave-fry a submarine hundreds of feet below you in high pressure water, lowering the microwave dish ten feet down from the sub ceiling will make all the difference.
Just a painted face on a trip down suicide row
89) If major characters miraculously survive events to come back, make sure you kill them again after they have done nothing of importance.
90) It is always better if you can do this more than once. Sticking a Russian female in a small sub with limited power is a good way.
91) If you're a little girl who thinks her mummy is dead, and who then sees her mummy again, you won't be particularly happy to see her.
92) If you are a mother who has just returned from the dead, the first thign you will want to do is not see your daughter.
93) If you're a little girl who has lost her daddy at sea, you will be able to say a number of quasi-profound things without displaying any emotion about it.
94) If you get hit with Chernobyl-level radiation, you won't fall apart and die immediately if you're part of an important plot twist.
95) If you get hit with massive microwaves while already dying, and you're sitting by a door, when someone comes through the door, you will have vanished.
96) If you're a beluga in a BBC drama, you need an airhole the size of a submarine to breathe thorugh, rather than one about the size of a dinner table.
- Now that you've read this, there's no going back -
[deleted]
@94 - They actually were pretty accurate on this one. I guess they hired a consultant, or used wikipedia based on "walking ghost" analogy.
101) Any 20 to 30 year old Russian is capable of giving a vivid description of the accident at Chernobyl. Which is pretty good considering that the accident was 24 years ago and it isn't even in Russia.
102) If the show somehow makes it to the second season expect all characters to be reincarnated in random places.
103) Nuclear reactors are rigged to produce nuclear explosion during accidents instead of melting through the floor and creating highly radioactive mess [pretty common plot cock-up actually]
104) But when a nuclear explosion actually occurs you can expect to get away easily in seconds and ships on the surface won't be affected.
105) If you are a foreign national, a Russian will pull a gun on you to save his own skin by forcing you into a nuclear reactor and then inexplicably risk all to save your life against his own countryman in another situation of maximum danger.
share106. If the house where you and your grandchild are living is being watched and broken into, there's no need to call the police. Just give your grandchild a reassuring hug.
107. If one of the parents of said child is presumed dead following a tragic accident in dangerous deep-sea waters, there's no need to have any qualms about letting the other parent return to said dangerous deep-sea waters as there's no chance that the child will become an orphan.
108. All Russians are capable of operating the controls on any brand of submarine.
109. On bays containing moon pools, only make the locks operational from the inside. There'll never be a need for someone on the outside to get in.
110. Submarines have prescription-lense Spexsaver windscreens that make the 15cm Vampire Squid appear to be 10 foot long.
111. If you describe something as small and carnivorous people will instantly know you are describing a weasel.
112. Russians have trouble recalling the word 'weasel' but know the word 'carniverous'.
113. If you subtract the 75 dead crew members that Zubov insisted be buried from the 135 people Arkady said were on board the Volos then you are left with Zubov, Arkady and Stas.
114. On very unimportant machinery such as that which only controls the useless oxygen you breathe their is no need to label the start button correctly.
115. Motherboards look identical to the 7 or 8 boards on either side of them.
116. When carrying the replacement motherboard that the crew of the other sub need imminently you always have time for a little exploring.
117. Cups of coffee become cold while you post on IMDB.
118. Complex electronic-based systems on Russian submarines are always controlled via knobs, wheels, levers or pulleys.
119. If you and your friend are seperated from a third party via a thin polythene curtain feel free to divulge incredibly sensitive information, the other person won't hear the two of you.
120. Moonpools on experimental russian drilling sumbarines are built to the exact width and length specifications of experimental UN science submarines.
121. Immediately after being made aware of your son's death you will feel indifferent because, hey, his wife is alive. yay!
What a truly odd, odd show. I loved it.
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground, try this sig with spinach!