Unwatchable

I've seen very few films in my time that were of this caliber of awful. First off, softcore porn is about as useful as a brillo pad at a tampon convention. If you're gonna shoot a porn flick, just do it, and don't beat around the bush. Secondly, that last line is about the only humor you'll find associated with this so-called parody.

I got ahold of this flick because I'd read it was a parody of Cloverfield (I didn't know about the sex angle at that point). So I fire it up and right away realize something's not right. Some chick is running from what looks like a giant, inflatable dinosaur (CGI) through a deserted section of town that looks like the warehouse district (at night). She gets away, but OH NOES, the monster sees her again! Scream! Cloverfield joke over, cut to pseudo porn scene.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm guessing a movie of this nature is mainly going to appeal to guys, so why the hell do we start off with a prolonged kissing scene where the focus is on the dude's tongue and his ability to stick it down her thoat from a distance? This is where my desire to haul off and punch the guy began. Later he opens his mouth to talk, and comes across like a frat boy who's spent all his time watching Beavis & Butthead reruns. "C'mon, girls! (giggle) Let's run across the bridge! (snicker) "Maybe it's afraid of water! (hur hur hur)"

All "sexiness" of the girls goes right down the drain during all these running scenes, as the "camera" (pretty sure it was an iPhone) does its best to showcase their huffing and puffing like exhausted cattle in need of a watering hole. They also, apparently, don't have enough sense to take off their high heels, preferring instead to do more of a shuffle-click-click-shuffle maneuver, all the while having to put up with Beavis's perpetual bantering.

I had to skip through a lot of this, because it was just so bad and unwatchable, but I did notice at one point they end up somewhere where one of the girls has to have sex with some guy that also makes ya wanna beat the crap out of him. Oh, man, he looked like a cross between a reject from some Russian mob movie and Disco Stu.

Anyway, my recommendation would be to avoid this pile of steaming garbage entirely, but since I know how people think, and that your morbid curiosity will most likely get the better of you, at the very least take one bit of advice: Keep the remote in-hand, and be ready to mute the sound. You'll end up wanting to fast-forward eventually, looking for either Cloverfield related humor or, at least, a sex scene that's worth watching. You won't find either, but we both know you'll look anyway, so there ya go.