Merry Christmas! Wow, what a movie!

So I'm at the Ralph's to pick up more tonic water, and I see a packet of six movies for $4.99. That's ... what... about 83 cents per movie? Well what the hell! So I picked it up. And you know what? This movie is worth 83 cents. I'm serious. Hell, I'da paid 90.

Man, this is a fun movie if you're loaded... I mean, you just cackle all the way through it. Scientist tells his wife and daughter "We need to leave for the base in 5 minutes. Just hurry." Clearly this is a life or death matter. But wife, well, she's just irritated. He's not telling her all the details of his ultra secret job for the government?? Well! (sigh) OMG. Women like this are why husbands occasionally turn homicidal, you know...

Then there's the daughter. She looks about 20 but she sits there mouth-breathing and rolling her eyes like she's 14. She's also completely helpless and has to be led by the hand everywhere. But what the wife and daughter both have, which is very important, is HAIR. Hair that whips around in the wind, flies in their faces, gets dirtier and nastier and skankier as their tribulations continue... until you can almost smell it! Yeah! But this is important, because this is how you can tell time is passing. This and that big countdown clock nailed up over those computers left over from that Matthew Broderick flick about experimenting on chimps. Because otherwise, you'd think the whole thing takes place in about 12 hours. Night never falls, you see. (I think the budget wouldn't cover for anything but natural lighting.)

Had to love the Russian scientist though. I love a man who can save the world from a warehouse, holding a drink in one hand and pressing buttons with the other. No wonder he couldn't comb his hair. Not enough hands! "I'm about to go blow myself op. Let me enjoy zis cee-garette." Heh.

As for the terrible stereotype of Arab men in Palestinian scarves trying to gun the family down, well. When, oh when are we going to stop treating the cuddly Arab community like a bunch of violent terrorists?? Everyone knows they wouldn't hurt a fly! Why, Grannies from Nebraska are more violent than Arab militants... just you try refusing dessert some night in a family home in Nebraska. Boy, you'll wish the Palestinians would come save you....

But the Chinese Ninja scientist chick makes up for it all. She puts on a black turtleneck and I swear to god her shoulders expand six inches! It's like magic. And she can get out of that outfit faster than Wonder Woman. Nothing like a hot chick who can undress quickly!

But best of all is our main character, Dr. Kelvin. He's got a sort of concerned pitbull look about him that says "I'm a nice pitbull. Not one of those mean ones who mauls 3 year olds." And he never needs to shave. His face just doesn't sprout! All the more reason his wife and daughter need that hair, know what I'm saying? But you gotta love this main character. Total family man. Dedicated. Self-sacrificing. Whatta guy. He nuked himself to save us all.

And a few days later, came back from the dead. Just like Jesus!! Merry Christmas!! Bwa ha ha ha!!!