How to Review a Terrible Movie

Well you start out with me borrowing my best friend’s Jimmy Cho’s and “forgetting” to give them back until a month later. Needless to say I owed her a favor. So that is why I was babysitting her teenybopper sister the night these School Gyrls farted in the face of cinema. Plopping the mini-human in front of the TV was the easy part. Making sure she wasn’t going to change the channel over to Spartacus or Atlantic City Hookers and then innocently telling her parents “Vivian let me watch it” was the hard part. So I had to be supervising at all times.

That is when School Gyrls came on. I was expecting something comparable to High School Musical or at least some of the sequels. But alas, I was sadly mistaken.
For some reason the producers or someone on crack decided it would be cute to name the characters after the actresses. Since IMDB doesn’t provide pictures of these kids, I can’t tell the difference between Mandy, Mo, or Jacque. (Did they actually name a girl “Mo Money”? Seriously? Which one is she? Is she the Asian or the fake Latina?)

Anyway I will call the blonde lead Colors, the wannabe gangster Nike, and the Asian one Asian. I grant them these names because these are the only distinguishable qualities they poses. I do remember the evil one named Bambi though. Because of the deer whose mom got shot, not because she was anything special.

Let’s start with Nike. I can’t tell if she is a Latina or white. Frankly, she looks like a white girl from Brooklyn too me. Let me explain, I grew up in Brooklyn. Every single white, Asian, black and brown girl here talks, dresses and looks like that. I look like that. But the stereotype they are trying to portray has nothing to do with me or any of the other girls who resemble her in any way. They are trying to portray some sort of gang-banging Chonga. Let me tell you these girls are NOT NICE. They are the ones that get into girl fights pulling out each other’s weaves and make each other bleed. They are the ones that have long wonderful careers of Mexican Mafia prostitutes ahead of them. And this is one of the good guys?

Then let’s go to Colors. I have nothing to say about her other then how annoying she is. She looks like a clown exploded on here. Does she have some sort of tumor in her brain blurring her vision and telling her all that felt and tool she staples to herself is fashionable?

Finally we come to Asian. Before I say anything, she has one thing going for her. Like every other Asian ever portrayed on screen she is smart (as evidenced by her scholarship, not by anything she says or does in the movie.) And then…. This girl is shallow. She feels the need to lie to everyone because she doesn’t have any money. She thinks people will abandon her if she tells them she is poorer then Nike’s acting skills. What does she take her friends for? Second of all she lied to everyone, even the people who she is supposed to be close too. At some point this had to go through her brain: “Well I could tell my best friends who I really am, but I know they are too vain and shallow to understand. I’ll just keep lying.” Once again, she is supposed to be the “good guy”.

Then comes this blonde boy that she likes. First off all he is one of the ugliest things that God ever crapped out on this earth. Not only that but he is just plain nasty spewing his steroid filled snot at innocent passerby. Second he literally used a woman as a tissue. He never said sorry or anything. Asian, welcome to a life of man-serving and baby popping.

Then comes the baddies.

Bambi is a blonde cheerleader. I don’t need to explain her character any more than that. Apparently neither did the movie because I felt like they were showing me a white cutout with the words “insert mean girl stereotype”. She abuses her boyfriend. No really… I think she beats him. He seemed so dam frightened of her when he was playing his guitar in the library. I bet every time she catches hiM playing guitar she brings out her belt. The whole idea of her not liking the fact that her boyfriend is a musician is contradictory to the fact that she is another one of Justin Bieber’s fangirls.

After that is the black crew. Once again, nothing more I can say about them other then they are the stereotype black family. All 4 of the black cast members are part of the same family. So there is literally one well of, black family, in the entire town that Bambi’s father owns. I bet he gave Mammy the school as a reward for her good service in the kitchen. Her kids, twins with an afro, walk around the school doing the chicken neck to everyone. The cousin (or something else) is a butch hall monitor and walks around pushing people into lockers. Her skills include glaring, grunting and the occasional attempt at the chicken neck. She also lacks personal hygiene. Plus they all talk like they are in a Tyler Perry movie, except the hall monitor who says nothing but “Grr”. These are the only black people in the movie who are not semi-famous rappers.
The story line is weak. They all run around for about 2 hours only being interrupted by some comic book montages that were completely unnecessary. They could have saved the money spent on artists and used it to bring an acting coach in the project.

I give the School Gyrls 1 out of 10 stars. The one is for putting my best friend sister to sleep so I can watch me some Underworld.