MovieChat Forums > MacGruber (2010) Discussion > Memorable Quotes!!! [accurate to the fil...

Memorable Quotes!!! [accurate to the film]

posted 14 years ago by HaulinBoats
31 replies | jump to latest

Here is a collection of my favorite quotes, or at least some of them:

_____________________________________________________

Mac: Well then, if you'll excuse me, it's time to go pound some *beep*
_____________________________________________________

Piper: It is imperative that *beep* does not get those codes.
Mac: Well thanks because before you said something, I thought it'd be fine if he got them.

_____________________________________________________

Mac: Last time I saw you you had a grenade launcher in one hand and a M16 in the other.
Frank: And you had just ripped a dude's throat out with your bare hands.
Mac: Classic Macgruber!

Mac: Ahh... Looks like your keeping your body pretty tight.
Frank: You're looking pretty good yourself.
Mac: Well, every days a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans.

Frank: You and your dick comments.
Mac: It's fun to say them.
Frank: It's fun to hear them.
Mac: That's why I say them.
Frank: That's why I listen.

________________________________________________

Mac: How's your nose Rookie?
Piper: It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.
Mac: I'd like to--- Oh, my face is a vagina? Well I bet you wish your nose was a dick, so you could have sex with my face vagina. I forget, the last time I saw you did I remember to tell you how ugly I think you are?
Piper: No you didn't.
Mac: Well I think you're really ugly.
Piper: Well I think you're looking in a mirror.
Mac: You wanna go?
Piper: Any time, any place.
Mac: I'm starting to like this guy. Just kidding! I still hate you.
Piper: Well I hate you.
Mac: You wanna go?!

...

And no you can't ride in the trunk, bud. Cause the trunk is filled with over 75 pounds of homemade C4 explosives that I personally packed in there with my own - two - *VAN EXPLODES*
Ohh, *beep* Nonononononono, TUG TUG!! You guys okay!? Oh somebody's gotta be in there...oh no...Call 911! Call 911!!

_____________________________________________

Jim: Macgruber about that, look, I'm taking you off the case.
Mac: *laughs* I'm sorry I must have heard wrong, cause I thought I just heard you say, "Macgruber about that, look, I'm taking you off the case."
Jim: That's exactly what I said.
Mac: Dammit Jim! You can't do that! K, I'm the best chance you've got, you told me yourself at the monastery.
Jim: But the game has changed.
Mac: But the players are the same!

______________________________________________

ha.. wow I need to stop I'm going to end up typing out this whole movie.

[edit: These quotes are from the original theatrical version. The unrated version has slightly different (and in my opinion, more funny) ones -- eg the "giant vagina" quote MacGruber says "I bet you wish your nose was a dick so you could use it to *beep* butts!"

[–] 14 years ago

[deleted]

[–] ananeke 14 years ago

Can you do the part where Dixon first meets MacGruber and starts rolling off all his accomplisments. I'm from El Paso and when I went to see it the people in the theater went crazy when he finished with "...Univerity of Texas El Paso." But it went by so fast I don't remember all he said.

[–] Nagelbelt 14 years ago

I would love to see the entire text when MacGRuber is detailing his college love triangle involving his ex-wife and *beep* Those were hysterical! Great job on the posted quotes so far though!

[–] mmablaster 14 years ago

Anyone know the lines when Vicki is in the coffee shop and MacGruber is talking to her through the wire? Man, that was funny.

[–] HaulinBoats 14 years ago

Macgruber: Alright Vick, if we're gonna draw this bastard out, he's gotta think he's got eyes on the real live Macgruber.

Vicki: Okay.

Macgruber: Don't worry, we've got your back. We're only 7 blocks away so if anything goes down --

Vicki: --7 blocks?!

Macgruber: Okay, ya got me. About 20 blocks. But if anything goes down we'll be right there.

Vicki: There wasn't anything closer?

Macgruber: Nope.

Piper: There were tons of spots closer.

Macgruber: Yeah, with meters!

Vicki: OK, Look, I don't think I should be talking to you anymore cause people are going to be staring at me thinking I'm talking to myself and I don't want to attract attention.

And I'm at the counter so...just gonna...order now.

Barista: Can I help you?

Vicki: Can I have a small latte?

Macgruber: Nope nope nope Macgruber would NEVER order that. I'm all about the large Tazo tea.

Vicki: I'm sorry, sorry, can I change that? Can i get a large Tazo tea?

Barista: Sure, anything else?

Macgruber: *yelling* NO!

Vicki: *yelling* NO!!

Barista: Can I get your name?

Macgruber: I'll let you take this one, Vick.

Vicki: Um, Macgruber!

Macgruber: Good job!

Barista: It's $6.45

Vicki: Yes it is.That's what it is every time I get it.

*Vicki puts tip in tip jar*

Macgruber: No Vick, no tip, what are you doing? Get that tip back.

Vicki: *whispers* umm I have to...

*Vicki reaches into jar to take tip back*

Vicki: Sorry.

Macgruber: No, say you're not sorry.

Vicki: I'm not sorry. I mean, I'm sorry, as in me, I'm sorry.

Barista: Wow.

Macgruber: Okay why don't you move down to the end of the counter? Further, further, STOP STOP!

Barista: Macgruber?

Vicki: That's me.

Macgruber: Now here is the most important thing. Listen carefully. With your left hand, lift the cup up to your mouth. Open your lips, and then tilt the cup back until the liquid --- *gunshots fired into Macgruber's van* DOWN DOWN DOWN!

*Vicki drops to the floor and starts screaming*

[–] HaulinBoats 14 years ago

Piper: Why did he do it, why did *beep* kill your wife?

Macgruber: To this day, I have no idea.

We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. After graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man, and right about that time I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to uh, let eat out my butt.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me, she was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it obviously, so we could start fresh, and she agreed.

We were so in love. He took that from me.

Piper: That's really *beep* up.

Macgruber: Thanks.

[–] Nagelbelt 14 years ago

YESSS!!!!!! That is the greatest.

[–] mmablaster 14 years ago

Anyone have some throat rip lines?

[–] nhnolan 10 years ago

A turkey is when you get three strikes in a row in bowling. I take that and apply it to ripping out throats.

[–] 10 years ago

[deleted]

[–] HaulinBoats 14 years ago

Faith: Lieutenant this is -

Piper: - the legendary Macgruber. Former Navy Seal, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served 6 tours in Desert Storm. 4 in Bosnia. 3 each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of 16 Purple Hearts, 3 Congressional Medals of Honor, 7 Presidential Medals of Bravery, and starting tight end for the University of Texas El Paso.

[if i counted right, it looks like Mac did at least 25 tours of duty!]

[–] mylo_dude 14 years ago

It was in the exchange between MacGruber and Piper and MacGruber says something like

"Fresh out of the academy, thinking his *beep* don't stink. Well guess what? Your *beep* does stink and it smells like *beep*

[–] HaulinBoats 14 years ago

Piper: Macgruber, I know I'm not what you expected.

Macgruber: Let me guess. One year out of the Academy, zero combat experience, little punk who thinks his *beep* don't stink? Well just to let you know, your *beep* does stink. *sniffs* It stinks like *beep*

Piper: If you'll just give me a shot.

Macgruber: Give this a shot.

*headbutts Piper*

[–] ImOscarDotCom 14 years ago

Von *beep* WEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAK!!!!!

later world, smell my ass

[–] ssickles 14 years ago

You guys missed the best one!

Vicki: MacGruber, wait, I'm a virgin.
Mac: Not for long...

[–] lylesanford 14 years ago

Vicki: Where've you been?
Mac: I just took an upper-decker in the master bathroom
Vicki: Upper-decker?
Mac: It's when you take a dump in the water tank instead of the bowl. You look fantaaastic.

------------------

Col. Faith: I've got a great idea. How's about Lieutenant Piper join your team.
Mac: I've got a better idea. No *beep* way.

------------------

Mac: You owe me a Blaupunkt!

------------------

Mac: The question is, what's he gonna do with all that money?
Lt. Piper: I think it's fairly obvious.
(Mac looks puzzled)
Lt. Piper: He's going to use it to buy the passco...
Mac: (interrupting) Gonna buy the passcodes! Yep, I said it at exactly the same time as you, or maybe even a few seconds sooner.

-------------------

Hostess: Can I take your coat?
Mac: Nope.
Hostess: Or your... car stereo?
Mac: Nice try.

-------------------

MY FAVORITE:

Mac: (bursting through the double doors) ...I'm in!
Janitor sitting in lunchroom: What?
(again)
Mac: (bursting through the double doors) I'm in!
Col. Faith: MacGruber.

[–] brianhed 14 years ago

After their van got shot up he kills a guy and says "Dead at the age of no one gives a **ck.

[–] movielover_04 14 years ago

MacGruber: You're loco man!
*subtitles* You're crazy man!

haha

Horror movies suck these days!
Spoof movies suck these days!
Movies in general are awesome!

[–] HaulinBoats 14 years ago

Macgruber: Hoss Bender, dead at the age of who the *beep* cares?

___________________________________

Macgruber: Hoss Bender, what the hell are you planning on doing with all this money?

Piper: I think it's fairly obvious...He was gonna use it to buy the pass codes.

Macgruber: *interrupting*--BUYTHEPASSCODES! Yep, got there at same time maybe even slightly before you. Yep he's gonna use it to buy the pass codes.

[–] mmablaster 14 years ago

[–] OscarRamirez 14 years ago

Mac: Join my team.
Piper: What?
Mac: Join my new team and tell the colonel I can do this.
Piper: I can’t do that.
Mac: Ok. Don’t make me beg here but I will do it. I’m so sorry. I’m so godd**n sorry. Look I’m freaking out here. I killed them. I killed them all. I’m so *beep* stupid. (Crying) I don’t know what I’m doing and everybody hates me. (Crying) I will suck your dick. I will suck your *beep* dick. I won’t do it just join my team. I’ll suck your dick. You can *beep* me or get *beep* by me or watch me *beep* something. Just point at something in the room and I will *beep* it for you c’mon just tell me what you want me to *beep*
Piper: Jesus Christ MacGruber.
Mac: Just tell me what you want me to *beep* (Crying). Ok I don’t have any lubricant. Do you see any white out or copy toner should work.
Piper: PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Mac: (Crying) I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so *beep* here. I’m so *beep*

[–] nutsberryfarm 11 years ago

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

[–] enterthejoker 11 years ago

Von *beep* First off, great party. Loved the music, the food, and oh yeah, I especially liked the part where MacGruber humiliated me in front of my daughter...and how DID he get in here, by the way?

Henchman: He, uh, walked in the front door.

Von *beep* He walked in the front door, hmm, I actually expected the explanation to be a little more complex than that.

[–] shane1979 14 years ago

Its not really a "quote" But after the van explodes and he falls to the ground and start to scream, it kills me everytime i see it... Its so Overly intense just cracks me up

Also there's
Look I will suck your dick, I will suck your *beep* dick, i will do it just join my team, ill suck you dick.... you can *beep* me or get *beep* by me. You can watch me *beep* something,just point out something in the room and ill *beep* it for you... Come on, Just tell me what you want me to *beep*... JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO *beep*

Habataitara modorenai to itte
Mezashi-ta no wa aoi aoi ano sora

[–] mmablaster 13 years ago

If I'm not mistaken, which I never am, that briefcase carrying pile of s#$t has the pass-codes.

http://coolblaster.blogspot.com/ Cool Videos

[–] HaulinBoats 13 years ago

Thought this could use a bump!

it's over a year old but I think new people that are seeing this film are realizing how funny it really is! enjoy the quotes!!

[–] mattressman_pdl 13 years ago

Macgruber: Your companion is a lovely young woman.

Kilmer: Thank you.

Macgruber: Hope you don't mind being date raped, ma'am.

Kilmer: She's my daughter.

later (paraphrasing)

Kilmer: Oh, you know what I did. I compiled a team of soldiers but I put them all in a room and accidentally blew them all up.

Macgruber: You're sh-tting me! I did the exact same thing!

Kilmer: Oh, wait, you know what, I didn't. Because I'm not a *beep* retard who blows up his own dudes.

[–] nothingfollows 12 years ago

sorry not a quote but the moment when Mac puts the "no tips" sign at the bar. The bartenders face had me.

[–] armenianmovieman 12 years ago

MacGruber don't play like homie, and homie don't play like that.

LOL

[–] psdhart 9 years ago

Vicki St. Elmo: Where were you?
MacGruber: Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the bathroom.

[–] 11 years ago

[deleted]