2009 Royal Rumble Review

NIce way to kick off the ppv. Cole and Lawler open up with an "Owen Hart speech" about how Orton kicked Vince McMahon in the head and he has a concussion or he is probably going to die. There's nothing I can add to taht. We are live from Detroit MI and your hosts are Lawler/Cole,Stryker/Grisham, and JR/Tazz.


Match #1

ECW Championship Match

Jack Swagger Vs Matt Hardy


Damn! Does Swagger look like Biff Tanon or what? Swagger hides in the ropes then they fight to the floor. Back in, Matt gets a clothesline, but Swagger rolls out. Back in, he starts on Matt's arm with a takedown, but Matt escapes and gets a low dropkick into the corner. Bulldog for 2 and Matt goes up, but Swagger knocks him off outside. Swagger with a shoulderblock for 2. Swagger goes back to the arm in the corner and Matt tries a clothesline but Swagger hits him in the arm to block a clothesline. Swagger with a standing armbar, but Matt fights up and clotheslines him and a neckbreaker for 2. Matt with a corner clothesline then a bulldog for 2. Middle rope elbow gets 2. Matt tries a side effect but Swagger reverses to a belly to belly suplex for 2. They fight for a suplex, but Matt's arm gives and Swagger takes him down with an armbar takedown. Swagger tries a hammerlock slam off the top, but Matt knocks him downa and gets a hardysault for 2. Matt tries the side effect again, but Swagger posts him and gets his gutwrench powerbomb to retain at 10:27. Hey, I used that one on the neighbor kid back in 91!! Too short for me, I wanted more. 2 1/2 stars.


Match #2

Womens Championship Match

Beth Phoenix w Santino Marella Vs Melina


Beth overpowers and womanhandles her easily. Melina fights back with a dropkick and Beth stops that with a tiltawhirl slam then Melina tries an armbar but Beth tosses her to the corner to break. Melina tries a victory roll but Beth powers out of that. Beth goes to a legbar and actually beats Melina with her own foot. If she's that flexible then the submission move kinda loses it's purpose, nice visual anyway. Melina charges and Beth gets a sloppy sideslam for 2. She tries a gorilla press, but Melina slips out and Melina tries a sunset flip and they goof up that spot then Melina gets a faceplant. Cannonball off the top and an inverted ddt but Beth dodges it and Melina gets a suprise rollup at 5:56 to win the title. Im going 1 1/2 star.


Match #3

World Championship Match

John Cena Vs John Bradshaw Layfield w Shawn Michaels


Michaels is playing the poor hobo who has to be the heels lackey for money. JBL told Shawn if he wins the title Shawn is out of his service. Cena takes him down with a headlock and JBL reverses to his own. Cena with a shoulderblock for 2 and JBL bails for some advice from Shawn (how bout go **** yourself?). JBL slugs away in the corner, but Cena hits him with the neckbreaker that they don't call the throwback anymore because the PR people decided the FU should be called the throwback because NOW they wanna go back to 1985. These morons think they can do away with the cartoon squeaky clean era go through the attitude era that spoiled the fans then go back to the golden ages style of clean characters? Fat chance, not when your running attempted murder angles as the main selling point of every other ppv. JBL runs away and Cena chases. Cena and Shawn glare at eachother and JBL nails Cena from behind and Cena eats steps. Short arm clothesline gets 2. JBL drops a series of elbows for 2 and goes to a chinlock then breaks for a sideslam. Back outside Cena goes into the stairs again for 2. JBL puts Cena on top but Cena puts him down and follows with the super fameasser for 2. Cena charges and hits boot, but he tackles JBL and goes nuts. Five knuckle shuffle and proto bom set up the "throwback" but JBL punches out of it. Cena slaps on the STF (it's not the STFU anymore either). JBL and Shawn yak about something then the referee gets wasted and Shawn comes in and kicks JBL's brains out. Then he superkicks Cena. He puts JBL on Cena and leaves ringside but Cena kicks out at a slow 2. Cena wakes up less groggy and hits the "throwback for the pin at 15:25. Dumb story. 2 1/2 stars.


Match #4

WWE Championship No Disqualification Match

Jeff Hardy Vs Edge w Chavo Guerrero


The IWC got their wish, the druggy spot monkey finally got the title, and at this time alot of them were complaining for a Hardy feud. Yeah? NO! Nobody wanted it back in 2001 and they teased it again in late 2002 but nothing ever came of it. They will just end up back together anyway at some point. The story followup here is insulting as usual. First Edge ran Jeff off the road in attempted vehicle homicide then he rigged the pyro so when Jeff was doing his retarded entrance dance he got a face full of sparkles. Which was kinda funny actually. This flies in the face of the previous match where Cena is being pussied out even more for the kiddies but here they are pushing attempted murder. Jeff sends Edge into the turnbuckles and the crowd chants for Christian. Jeff grabs a chair but Edge kicks it away. Jeff with a low dropkick for 2, but Edge whips him out of the ring. Jeff lands on his feet and slides back and knocks Edge outside and hits a dive off the apron. Chavo distracts Jeff long enough for Edge to boot him off the apron, and he follows with a baseball slide. Hardy goes into the railing. Jeff comes back with a sunset flip for 2. Edge puts him down again with a clothesline for 2. He tries a bearhug on the mat, but Jeff fights out with a mule kick and goes up. Bodypress is blocked by an Edge dropkick, and that gets 2. They fight to the apron and Jeff fires off a quick twist of fate and Edge eats it on the apron. Jeff puts him on the table and preps a ladder. Chavo interferes then Jeff slips off the ladder which kicks out from under him and splashes Chavo through the table and he's history. Back in Jeff hits Edge with a high cross for 2. Edge comes back with a big boot and undoes a turnbuckle, but Jeff hits him with the whisper in the wind for 2. Twist of fate but Edge reverses to a DDT for 2. Edge goes up, but Jeff boots him on the way down and packages for 2. Front suplex and he goes up, but Edge rolls away and then Jeff tries the 10 punch but Edge steps foward and drops Jeffs face into the steel buckle. He sets up for the spear, but Jeff hits a suprise twist of fate but chunky Vicki pulls him down from the top. He goes up again and gets the swanton, but Vicki pulls out the ref, and Jeff has had enough as Matt shows up and offers to help Jeff kill Edge. So of course Matt hits Jeff with a chair and helps the guy who ****ed his GF on the side and spent months destroying his life win the belt at 19:21. The finish was total garbage and the swerve was unwanted as far as im concerned. But I know there was plenty out there who like the Matt heel turn..until they put on a less than stellar match at Mania then these same morons were talking about how the Hardyz should get back together by last June of 2009. Ill go 3 stars. The match was good but im knocking off 1/2 star for the shty ending. The announcers act all shocked as the crowd rolls their eyes about it.


Backstage Jericho and Orton have a talk. They expect anyone to buy into this "Orton will be fired"?


Halfassed promo for the Rumble. They recylce the fun facts thing from last year, but put new music, a new voice over and different video footage to it. Lazy.


Match #5

2009 Royal Rumble Match

Rey Mysterio is #1 and I hate his music. John Morrisson is #2 and I don't like him striking the goofy pose with his abnormally ripped abs, so were off to a rockin start here. Rey kicks, but Morrison dumps him on the bulldog attempt and Rey pops back in. Rey springboards back in and takes him down with the ppv special tilt a whirl headscissors. Morrison goes over but hangs. Carlito is #3 looking like he bought Tajiri's pants and spits apple in John's face. He attacks both guys, catching Rey's moonsault and turning it into a neckbreaker. Double jump moonsault on Morrison but John hits him with a running knee. MVP is #4 and he gets a face pop and powerslams Morrison. Now here's a guy who's got the gimmick and a look about him but they wanna push that tatooed orange freak Orton. He hits Morrison with the Drive By, but Rey takes him down with a headscissors. Great Khali is #5 and is a good guy at this point, the announcers refer to him as the punjabi playboy. He brainchops and treeslams people as Carlito tries the "back scratcher" and gets clobbered. Vladimir Kozlov, McMahons newest big monster fetish is #6. Now we are treated to a fact of the WWE universe. Khali destroyed everyone in 2007 and here he eliminates no one then Koslov eliminates him easily. I called this back in 2007 and I bet Koslov is going to go through the same treatement someday. MVP misses his mafia kickin the corner and Koslove gives him the heave ho. Carlito gets thrown over but saves himself, but Koslov finishes the job. The crowd was pissed when MVP got tossed. HHH is #7 and a quick facecrusher and clothes line and the Russian is gone. Randy Orton is #8, he fights with HHH and gets the Randy neckbreaker and does his stupid ground pounder undulating pose. Morisson drops him with a knee for trying to be serious. Morisson then gets 619'd then JTG at #9 wins a two sided coin toss over Shad to get the rumble spot. Ted Jr at #10 (I can never call him "Ted Dibiasie" and he helps out Orton. Morrison and JTG team up against him and then beat eachother so Dibiase dumps them both and they hang on the ropes kicking at each other before coming back in. Rey and Dibiase do the same thing on the other side of the ring. Rey baseball slides Dibiase in the nuts and Chris Jericho is #11. He jumps Orton and tries dumping him but Orton grabs the ropes like a viper or a leech, or maybe a slug then then hits HHH with a bulldog. He tries the walls but HHH flips out of it then tries a pedigree and Jericho blocks that. HHH dumps him, but Jericho hangs on and Mike Knox is #12. Knox's beard gives him +3 attack and +2 defense. He immediately beats on Rey, the guy he was having a psychotic obsession with. The Miz is #13 and he helps Morisson. Miz misses a charge and John gets RKO'd and so does Miz then JTG. HHH ends that crap with a pedigree then eliminates the tag champs by throwing one into the other ala Foley/Burke last year. Rey copies Jamie Nobles WrestleMania battle royale spot by using the tag champs as stepping stones to get back in the ring. Finlay w Hornswoggle is #14 and goes after Jericho then attacks everybody because he's Irish. Cody Rhodes is #15. Legacy teams up on Finlay, then Knox, and Rey springboards right into an RKO. Undertaker is #16. Everyone stops and goes after him, but he fights em off and picks off JTG. Snake eyes for Cody and he eats a boot. Goldust is #17. He has a staredown with brother Cody and slaps him then he almost gets Cody out but an RKO ends that and Orton tells Cody to pitch him. CM Punk is #18 and does his running knee and kick shtick like he does every year. GTS for HHH and Undertaker boots Punk stupid. Mark Henry is #19 ad he hits Undertaker with a clothesline. Worlds strongest slam for HHH, but he can't toss Punk out. Shelton Benjamin is #20. Jericho and Punk fight up top then sit there waiting for Shelton to jump up and give them a super double downward spiral (not very awesome looking) off the top. HHH tosses Punk and he hangs. William Regal is #21 and he beats up Punk for taking his IC title earlier in the month. Mark Henry tries a blind charge offscreen and Rey lowbridges and the fat thing falls over the top and out. Kofi is #22 he nails everybody then Jericho stops him with a clothesline. Shelton does the 10 punch in the corner on Taker, BAD MOVE SHELTON, spinebuster and Taker tosses him. Kane is #23. The brothers face off then decide to destroy the living first. Punk inches Regal over and kicks him off the apron so he's gone. R-Truth is #24. This rumble is alot like 1991, people are getting time to do stuff instead of booking it just for 3 or 4 main eventers to kill everybody else. Rob Van Dam is a surprise entrant at #25 and the place goes nuts! I felt all warm inside seeing him back! He goes nuts with the kicks and hits the step over kick on Jericho then tries a five star on Truth but HHH rushes him so he's gotta jump over HHH then sets up HHH on Truth and rolling thunder for both. Rey and RVD team up again and do their quad legdrop on Dibiasie. The Brian Kendrick is #26 (some ICWers out there thought he was a good choice for a world title?) he shoves Kofi off the top while he's doing something else than prances like a fa**ot and HHH throws his dumb ass out. Joke entrant #27 is Dolph Ziggler. He doesn't do anything except introduce himself to Kane. Kane shakes his hand and is showing better people skills than me! Course he flings the poor jobber out like garbage, but it's progress. Third straight comedy spot, Santino is #28 and runs in and gets clothesliend out by Kane. Funny as hell as their is a group in plain sight with big old SANTINO letters, they spent 2 hours or so making that sign for that? I don't like comedy spots much if not at all but I can handle real wrestler over the Coach. Surpise entrant (I think) Jim Duggan at #29 and he gets a big pop and starts punching away and wins a punchfest against Taker that wouldn't have happened back in 91 or 92 I tell ya. #30 is the Big Show, and he takes his time. The crowd meets him and he fends them off and Duggan goes first. Crowd boo's. Jericho tries a sleeper while Undertaker tosses Punk to no avail. Show presses Truth out just like in 2001. He throws Punk over then gives him a KO punch and he slumps off the apron to the floor. Rey and Knox (im amazed at the power of the beard) fight on the ropes and they spill out. Hornswoggle saves Finlay from elimination but Kane gets rid of Finlay soon anyway. Show pounds on RVD in the corner while Orton DDTs HHH off the ropes. Show and Taker fight it out as RVD 5 stars Orton and while he's hurt Jericho heaves him from behind and gets booed big time. RVD's career basically ended after he got caught with weed anyway, but it's nice to see him back once in awhile. Jericho with the codebreaker on Undertaker, but charges at him and gets backdropped out. Legacy team up on Kane and gets rid of him. Legacy goes after Undertaker while Show chokeslams HHH, but Taker comes back and chokeslams them all but he doesn't eliminate any of them! There has been quite a few spots in this match where the Legacy got clobbered and the clobberers just ignored them and walked away, so it was easy to see where the match was going. Plus everyone already knew enough who would win. Taker sends Show over the ropes but he skins the cat?! Everybody on this show mustve been watching Shawn Michaels footage earlier in the week because the spot has been done to death tonight. Randy tries the RKO, but Taker blocks and ends up on the apron with Show. Orton knocks Show on the floor and Show like a cheapass pulls Taker off the apron. HHH gets hammered by Legacy then goes superman and throws out Teddy JR then throws Cody but turns into an RKO and is tossed at 58:35ish. Orton wins the 2009 Rumble. I didn't enjoy this asmuch as 2007/2008. Jericho was more like a midcard heel tonight and Ortons victory was a given weeks beforehand so the excitement was down. Ill go 3 stars.


Overall Opinion: This felt like a short card and the undercard was mostly uneventful and the storylines just sucked at this time. I like the Rumble and ill watch this again for the main event, but as a whole, this Rumble was lackluster to me. Seeing RVD back and Duggan makes suprise appearances was fun though.


Final Score: This one pulls a dissapointing 3.7 stars out of 10.0 stars. Watch it for the Rumble. With so many ppvs, WrestleMania and Royal Rumble are the only shows worth a **** anymore.