I got pulled over by Seagal


I said I was going to the bank,

He said, "I'll take you to the bank.....to the blood bank."

and I kind of blank out after that...

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Oh my God, are you Senator Trent??

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[deleted]

no sh*t, i got pulled over as well

From the outside he thought i was a white guy and said 'Sir, please come outside your vehicle and relinquish your weapon right now' but when i did and he realised i was black he dropped his gun, a big cheshire cat smile came over him and he cocked his head ever so slightly and said 'Lawd a mercy, you remind me of ray charles boy, except i bet you shoot a bit better than 'ol ray now don't you?'

'Sir, i was driivng slightly over the limit, please dont call the rest of the cops'

he laughed and said 'Pohlice? Na brotha, they gooooone'

when i asked for an autograph for my Attack Force dvd which I had just purchased from Tower Records for the princely sum of $14.99 he laughed again and said 'Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure'

after letting me go he said 'You watch them roads boy, they be treacherous, if you ever down Louisiana ways, come to my club the 'Mojo Man' where I be playing the mississippi blues all night long, you be good now'

I've never been so happy, long live Lawman, long live SEAGAL

No Justice Just Us

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[deleted]

and ur a jackass

No Justice Just Us

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[deleted]

I was at my bar having a couple beers and giving some skanks some hope, when I suddenly heard, "WHERE'S RICHIE?! ANYONE KNOW WHY HE DID BOBBY LUPO?!"

Then someone changed the station and a Girls Gone Wild ad was on for a while.

You were born a pig farmer.
You'll always BE a pig farmer.
And now, you will DIE a pig farmer.

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[deleted]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU PPL ARE TO DAMN FUNNY. *APPLAUDS TO EVERYONE HERE*

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I'm not sure what I was doing to set off his Zen psychic powers, but I got pulled over by Officer Seagal once. I was coming back from Hong Kong market on the westbank with several small Banh-Mi sandwiches and groceries and some Asian sweets. Running toward the car with what appeared to be a severe purpose, he started yelling "Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! STEP OUT OF THE CAR, YO?!" and things like that. So I get out, and before my heel can even touch the ground I find myself in an ankle lock with him screaming at me about compliance. Several excruciating moments later, he gets this thousand yard stare looking at my car and sniffing the car uncontrollably as he pat me down. He put his hands together and bowed the way Japanese do in more formal moments, and said "Yo, Im' gonna hafta search the car, yo?" I had six Peking ducks in the backseat, and he said I was "way over the limit" as he started chowing down on my chicken liver Banh-mi. He gave one of the ducks to Colonel Fortunato who proceeded to swallow it whole, feet first. For the next half hour they just kept eating all my food and high fiving each other, right there on Gen. Degaulle Dr! Then he turned to me, jiggling his cheeks as he shook his head and said "mmmpph well das enoughmpph you kin gompph" I went home with a car full of crumbs but I swear to God, I'm lucky to be alive!

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I was in a restaurant and he came in and wanted desert. He told the waiter "Get my pies out of the oven."

I saw him talking to a rookie and he told him "You're in the police force now. It's not just a job, it's an adventure."

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lmao i'm laughing so hard I'm crying, this is hilarious stuff

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I'm walking down a NYC street in Little Jamaica and I see this plump motorcycle cop teetering past me on his bike, kinda like an elephant riding a unicycle. I feel a little nervous for him and wipe my palms on my jeans, and suddenly I see his head snap towards me, as if he'd sensed something. He makes a long, slow U-turn on his motorcycle and pulls right up on me. Through his helmet visor I see gold-tinted glasses, and I know it's the man himself.

Seagal stops the bike and proceeds to lift one of those big thighs over the side as he unmounts it. His belt sags, and the zipper of his bulletproof vest strains terribly under the stress of his big, donut-filled belly.

"What you doin' there mon?'

"Huh?"

"I say what you doin' mon', why you be flinchin' and all dat as I drive past ya?"

For a moment I'm confused. Am I mistaken? Is this Steven Seagal, or just another officer that looks like him?

Then I learn the truth. Big Steven takes of his helment and sure enough, he's got a head full of jet-black dreads. He's in character, or at least the character is in him.

"Oh hi there Steve, no I was just walking by and thought your big ass was gonna crash on that bike."

"Come on now brudda don't you be callin' me by my slave name now, me a Ja-mai-can tru and tru. I is Officer Irie to you now mon'."

His lips are greasy. His gold-tinted glasses have smudges on them, and his face looks like it will literally explode like a deep-fried turkey.

"Okay Officer Irie, well can I go now?"

"Jus' one more ting before you be buggin' out on me mon'. Can ya' give me a hand wit' my shoe laces now?

The laces of his shoes are untied, and it appears as though his feet will burst out of the sides. Avoiding his belly, I kneel down to tie his shoes.

"My feet be swellin' ya know, an' so I slip 'em on my feet in da' mornin'. And ya know mon', Ja be killin' me when he shinin' his sun so hot every day now. How can a rasta take it mon?"

I finish up his shoe laces, he thanks me and walks away. The man is completely soaked through with sweat.

As he remounts his motorcycle, I hear the bike's springs strain as he sets his full weight on it. He starts the engine. He opens the throttle all the way, but the bike doesn't budge. The whine of the engine under that heavy load is unbelievable. I fear that the engine will explode or catch fire, but just when I think it's too late, the bike begins to roll. Big Steve, Officer Irie, gives me a thumbs-up. And then he rides away.

That, friends, was my experience with Steven Seagal.

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I got pulled over by Seagal, too.

He walked up to the driver's side of my car. He very professionally, and quietly, asked for my license and registration. He looked and them and told me to please stay in my car while, "I check this out." Then he fiddled with the outside door handle, and walked back to his Sheriff's vehicle.

Well, I had been in my car for a while before being stopped. So after a couple of minutes, I got out of my car just to stretch my legs. BOOM! I GOT BLOWN UP!!!! It seems that Deputy Seagal had pulled the pin on a hand grenade and wedged the grenade into my outside door handle. When I got out of my car, well, you can fill in the blanks. So next, with half of me and my car blow all over Jefferson Parish, Deputy Seagal walked up to me and said, "I also cook."

What's up with that? Why do these guys even have grenades?

When I recover from my injuries and regain the use of my hands, which the doctors hope will be within the next 4 years, give or take, I intend to write a strongly worded letter of complaint.

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I got pulled over by Seagal. Me and my uncle Tony was out dynamite fishin in the canal over by Barataria Blvd and just sat down to eat lunch and was playin Zeppelin really loud on the car stereo when he pulled up.
I never been scared in my life, bra, 'cuz normally, bra, I tell a cop to go f* themselves - especially when the "Immigrant Song" is playin. But when he walked up to us I could see my panicked reflection in his yellow sunglasses. "What's up, yo?" "Where's your license, yo?!" he said. I showed him my license and he just frowned, real, real bad, then shook his head in slow motion-like. After like five minutes he was like "Yo, this is handwritten, you wrote this, yo. This *beep* is cardboard, yo." He made us both wait in the heat cuffed on the ground while he waited for backup. After about an hour Captain Alex Morgan, JPSO, shows up. Seagal grabbed my poboy and shook it in front of me - "what's this yo?" he said. "You want it? yo?" Then he took a bite and shouted "mpphhgffftppt! coomntrytomphget it backpph!" Cpt. Morgan uncuffed me and I swear bra they played keep away for about an hour with my sandwich, laughing at me and all that, bra. Serious. Then they told us to go and kept all our *beep*

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Gotta bump this for the new people, this thread is hilarious!

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[deleted]

I got pulled over by Steven Seagal. He walked out of the car and over to my side, asking for my liscence and registration. I hesitated for a moment when I realized there was something weird about his voice. For that matter, it looked like he had done overtime at Dunken Donuts rather than his own dojo at home. When I went to hand him my papers, he suddenly grabs my head with both hands and breaks my neck without killing me though.

My head was just in the right position to be facing up towards him, when I realized it was not Steven Seagal, but Will Sasso from Mad TV dressed up like Steven Seagal. He walked away while saying, "Go see my new movie." Sometime later, the real Steven Seagal and his team show up and call up the medics. When the ambulance gets there, you can imagine everyone's surprise to find a heavy-looking Nick Nolte as an EMT, except that wasn't Nick Nolte; it was Kenny Rogers. He turned to the camera filming the Steven Seagal: Lawman show and said, "Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers and this is Jackass."

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Brilliant BluIz, brilliant!

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I got pulled over by Seagal too. He approached me slowly, sweating and breathing heavily. Then he asked, "hey papi, you wouldn't have any extra donuts on you, would ya?".

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