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100 things I learned from Hammer of the Gods

posted 15 years ago by bellapeligrosa
26 replies | jump to latest

100. Elastic was used widely in the making of Viking undergarments.
99. Ancient Vikings apparently came from Germany, England, America and various other parts of the world.
98. Werewolves, whilst being agile and incredibly strong, still have to hold onto the handrails when descending rickity rope bridges.
97. Whenever a werewolf is having a bad hair day, she can rely on her trusty GHD (straightener) to get smooth looking hair, which stays glossy even during fights with frizzy-haired chicks.
96. The creepy-voiced bloke from SAW moonlights as a gnarly looking werewolf.
95. Viking chicks were really really tough. They wear t-shirts even in mid-Winter.
94. When sailing in a Viking ship it's imperative you stand up, and face forward, even when there is nothing to see.
93. Viking ships are made of wood, yet you can have flames pouring out of the figurehead and it won't catch fire!

[–] f00768500 15 years ago

ROTFLALALALALOL!!!

I'mm looking forward to the next 10 or so installments of your list keep 'em comin'!

[–] actionlad 15 years ago

LOL. I'll add one or two:
92: The Vikings had figured out a technique where the rowers on the ship were able to face the direction they were rowing as was demonstrated in the opening scene.
91: Thor started out his Viking career with a hairdo that was made popular by metrosexuals around mid-2005.

[–] f00768500 15 years ago

Two?!? Only TWO?!?!?

O, the humanity!!! C'mon dudes, we gotta keep this going!
To show my commitment, I'm going to TRY and come up with another 10 meself over the next -- ooh... -- month or two (or so!)

[–] actionlad 15 years ago

I know... I know... It should be easier than this, but it's so bad of a movie that you block it out of your mind as soon as you're done watching it.

I shall return... with at least two more... soon...

[–] pflfootball 15 years ago

90: When sneaking up on werewolves in the dark, carry lit torches.

[–] Fredsdead 15 years ago

89. Viking chicks use weapons their kids made for them in shop class.

I cannot be blamed for my actions, I am a victim of sobriety.

[–] monkfish1979 15 years ago

88. MIDI sounds just like a real orchestra and nothing like a demo tune on an 80's keyboard. If using a midi score, it's also a good idea not to let it stop playing in the background for more than 30 seconds.

87. If you're running out of ideas for Norse sounding names, try adding "or" as a suffix to every-day, mundane words; i.e. - "stroke" becomes "strokor".

[–] All_Seeing_Fly 14 years ago

86. It doesn't matter what regional accent an actor has, if he can shout in a gruff voice at the auditions, he'll get the part.

[–] jscroggins101 14 years ago

I will be the politically incorrect one and say it:
85. It doesnt matter how dark skinned an actor is, if he is tall, with excellent cheekbones and is willing to work cheap and has the ability to shout in a gruff voice, he can play a VIKING!!

[–] Theo Robertson 14 years ago

84 ) Some vikings were anorexic Mike Tyson lookalikes

[–] Flywiththeowl 14 years ago

83)the Norse gods looked, sounded, & acted exactly like mortals...of 2009.

[–] clayjar_azn 14 years ago

82) Fenris the wolf prefers to push opponents around rather than try to bite and claw them to death.

81) Best way to spy on werewolves in the cave is to light the way with a torch and to speak normally among yourselves.

Me fail English? But, that's unpossible.
http://www.store.fredjung.com

[–] jaek-1 14 years ago

80) If someone cuts off their finger, they gotta be telling the truth.

[–] ZosoJade 14 years ago

79) Thor started life as a fat loser before hitting the gym and protein shakes and becoming the legend we all know and love
78) "Bring it on!" - A phrase originated by the Vikings.
77) Thor was the last person to have a mini-mohawk before the hairstyle was repopularised in the 21st Century. His ability to have such a perfect and well-tended hairdo in the absence of hair gel and hair clippers is part of why Thor was considered a God.
76)The pressure is, like, totally off Kenneth Branagh for the 2011 Thor movie
75)"Not good." - A phrase originated by the Vikings

I had better get in the mood...

[–] 14 years ago

[deleted]

[–] pgw 14 years ago

84. In his youth, in the days before his father lost an eye and gained wisdom, Thor lived in an environment where large explosions and other hazards were the norm. It was epic. Though, oddly, more comic than one would expect.

83. (Corollary to above) Patricia Richardson is a domestic goddess.

[–] intrepidami 13 years ago

I'm only in the first 9 minutes or so...but so far...When sending out a hunting party make sure they talk a lot and leave bows back with the landing group, norsemen apparently hunt deer with swords and lit torches. But the constantly flashing back to the landing group, where they have bows is a nice touch.

[–] intrepidami 13 years ago

The tall guy is wearing blue jeans! You can clearly see this before they enter the building with the cowering survivors. I didn't know they had blue jeans back then!

[–] taebo_tommy 13 years ago

74. Spanish people fall from the trees to give prophecies.
73. It doesn't hurt to cut fingers off.
72. And apparently Mjolnir is too big for Thor to be able to handle.
(wow this movie is crap from start to finish...I can list a lot of reasons why even to being picky at the way the names and Mjolnir was pronounced poorly/incorrectly...at least the werewolf chic was hot).

[–] Alorann 13 years ago

71. A woman who has tasted the blood of a god and acquired the ability to change into a super-powerful, agile beast will instead choose to show off her fighting skills with some cool-looking blades.
70. Apparently one of Thor's lesser known abilities is being able to jump 3 meters straight up.
69. The Norse gods had no sense of how to make a hammer that is easy to swing in battle.
68. Vikings had a great dental care system.
67. When werewolves fall in snow, the snow turns to foam and clings to their bodies.
66. When chased by a werewolf, you are safer in a tree in the woods than in a walled-up village.
65. Viking women follow the same fighting code as movie ninjas: instead of attacking your opponent all at once, wait your turn so the opponent only faces one of you at a time.

[–] dale1776 13 years ago

64. When holding "The Hammer of the Gods" and swinging at a giant sea serpent; It is completely logical to swing the hammer up at the very top right below the hammer head, where you have absolutely no leverage for a solid swing. Because the laws of physics no longer apply when you are an idiot.
63. For THOR to be the God that we all have learned to idolize and respect for his strength, honor, and courage, he is certainly portrayed like a little whiny bitch who get zero respect from his men or anyone for that matter. Kinda like the dude playing him.
62. The Benny Hill soundtrack would have been a perfect overlay for most of the movie.

More to come...

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!

[–] yohoyohorum 13 years ago

61. When stabbing someone on the ground, it is easy (and of course necessary) to bury the sword to the hilt without any leverage. Like a knife through hot CGI butter.
60. If the enemy is breaking through the gate, just wait for them. Don't bother using your bows to pick them off or your spears to stab them. In fact, just throw the spears away, you won't be needing them.

[–] Ulnhyrr 12 years ago

59. Vikings must have some sort of advanced garment since it never stains.
58. My Amiga 500 (old computer) had better CGI than this movie.

[–] NovocastrianUK 12 years ago

57. A black Scouser doing an impression of Mick McCarthy makes a very realistic Viking.

[–] Dream_Demon 12 years ago

56. As exhibited by the tall, olive-skinned, bald viking named Ulfrich, vikings have the technology to have metal fillings for teeth.

55. Also exhibited by Ulfrich, it is better in a dual to throw a sword high into a tree, make an incomplete transformation into a werewolf while stripping into your underwear, flex your muscles while acting hammy and walk towards your opponent who is apparently capable of making an implausible leap in order to reach the sword you throw into the tree.

Welcome to my Nightmare- Freddy Krueger

[–] wgianticus-1 10 years ago

54. Two men can be expected collect rations for 20 on a desolate rock strewn beach in less than an hour.

53. Vikings talk a lot about never running away from an enemy but then run away.

52. Repeated shots of people walking from right to left and then left to right through the same scenery aren't very entertaining. But are, presumably, cheap.

51. Hiding in the woods, not "leaving the safety of the trees for weeks", gives you a intimate knowledge of heavily guarded god inhabited under ground caves.

50. Fenris keeps a handy trough of petrol in his lair in case of visitors

49. Viking women, whilst accorded the same respect as the men, where emaciated waifs

48. Viking raiding parties where equal opportunity employers