Cliff Notes version

I'm Woodrow, I love to vomit. Everything's Nice and Awesome. I don't have to work because the world owes me for being a hypothetical-badass. I like friendship if it means disloyalty. I like girls that look like Christina Applegate and the Joe Dirt girlfriend put together. Flames should come out of everything that I own... except my mouth because it's too busy expelling whining and/or puke. I like beer. I like crickets. I call crickets "grasshoppers" even though they're totally different insects. I like my friend. I like sex. I like sex with my friend's girlfriend. Whiskey rules. Whiskey's Nice and Awesome.