MovieChat Forums > The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon (2008) Discussion > Just couldnt stop laughing. Please feel ...

Just couldnt stop laughing. Please feel free to continue my list!!

posted 15 years ago by jakobson2
6 replies | jump to latest

That crappy movie was just hysterical. I mean it!! It was ASYLUM hysterical. Cannot believe that Shannen ruined her career just like that. Anyway. Here we go:
1. To kill 10 000 years old ancient aztec monster-god isnt so difficult. Just throw couple of rocks towards 10 000 years old rock beams and thats it. The beam does the rest of the job. Then attack monster-god with finger sized knife and stick it once. Forget tanks and automatic rifles and grenades and mines and stinger rockets and any all that modern weapon crap. Throwing rocks is your best possible weapon solution.
2. Despite the lack of food and water sources aztecs can survive thousands of years in the middle of the desert canyons without anyone noticing them.
3. Ancient aztec locksmiths invented high-security locks and sliding doors already 10 000 years ago.
4. Best possible travelling solution for deserts is mule. Horses just dont have the speed and other equipment to do the job.
5. You can run around aztec indians camp without any complications and fear that they can notice you. Aztecs are just too busy with their every day monster-god rituals and stuff so they just simply dont have time to spot you.
6. Always cast for your crap movie good looking female celebrity. People will watch it just because of her. Do not make any efforts with your script. It does not matter because you have HOT FEMALE CELEBRITY IN YOUR MOVIE.
7. Anyone can learn to speak ancient aztec language despite there is no books or any other learning materials. Its simple you know.
8. Ancient monster-gods invented stealth technology. They can appear and disappear in a matter of a seconds from nowhere. Thats why they are gods. But you should always remember that if its raining there is high possibility to get eaten by monster-god.

[–] Frumious_Bandersnatch_46 15 years ago

3. Ancient aztec locksmiths invented high-security locks and sliding doors already 10 000 years ago.

They also invented ever-burning torches. Remember Shanks looking at the torches and commenting that, "We must be the first people to enter here in hundreds of years!" (Funniest thing in the movie — until I saw the pasty white "Aztecs" wearing flip-flops!)

How about these?
• The Aztecs were so pale that they didn't tan even after living in the desert for countless generations wearing nothing but loincloths and flip-flops.
• The Aztecs respected the Mayans so much they emulated their art, artifacts, and architecture. (Except the stepped pyramids, of course.)
• Even if you have the best CGI technology available, don't worry about trying to make Quetzelcoatl look like a winged serpent, a man-in-a-rubber-lizard-suit-with-bat-wings will do. Your audience shouldn't care that you can do better.
• SO WHAT if your male lead can't pronounce "Quetzelcoatl"? Neither can the writers, the director(s) nor the producer(s).
• SO WHAT if the writers don't know enough 16th century American history to activate the blink reflex if it happened to fly in your eye. Pizzaro! Cortés! What's the difference? Getting the finished pages by Tuesday is all that matters!
• When costuming a period story, don't give a single thought to the propriety of flimsy, almost transparent, clothing for your female lead. Remember, instead, that your target audience of randy young men want to see breasts.

I've found so many of the Sci-Fi Channel Original movies to be at the quelle fromage level.

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All I can say to the writers, director(s) and producer(s) is:
I admire your ability to get paid for this.
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[–] fulksp 14 years ago

Call your movie "The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon", even though:

No one seems to be lost
There is no treasure
It doesn't take place in the Grand Canyon

[–] 14 years ago

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[–] Mermaid77 14 years ago

1. Make sure your film is set in no particular time period with pseudo period clothing.

2. Have one of your characters miraculously emerge from the ground after an avalanche of large boulders has fallen on top of them.

3. Make sure you use generic brand cgi.

[–] falsememory76 13 years ago

Also...while talking in the saloon, they a guy to take them and he says..."its a 3 day DRIVE" seriously....drive.....a horse??? Awesome

[–] 13 years ago

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