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Things I learned from The Last Templar (spoilers)

posted 15 years ago by lemner
27 replies | jump to latest

Things I learned from The Last Templar

If you're on a boat in the middle of a raging storm, it's a good idea to keep your chainmail and sword on in case you get washed overboard.

Withholding information about multiple murders is perfectly okay, and the FBI will let you go about your business and leave the country.

If you want to impress your FBI potential boyfriend, you drive at reckless speed through a local market endangering lots of people, even though there's no particular hurry and your all-terrain vehicle could easily navigate the surrounding miles of empty desert, just to make him feel like a wuss.

If you're a devout catholic, you give up coffee for lent, but it's okay to have sex with a person you barely know, as long as you explain that you don't make a habit of it (which probably means you didn't use protection).

If you're exploring an ancient city that was buried by a volcano, there will be plenty of daylight streaming in even though you had to dig a hole to find an entrance.

When the underground city collapses there won't be any evidence of a sunken area on top of the site, even though it was close enough to the surface that there was plenty of daylight coming through the holes.

If you're a professional archeologist, you bash open anything ancient you find as quickly as possible.

As an archeologist, it's your duty to dispose of ancient artifacts in case they might affect someone's religious faith.

If you came straight from the airport in clothing borrowed from backward islanders to see a ceremony at a museum, you have time to go buy a pair of boots while you run 10 blocks after your girlfriend to see her daughter's judo performance.

Semper Contendere Propter Amoram et Formam

[–] black_hawk_avenger 15 years ago

- New York cops will stand idly by and not even draw their weapons when a person on horseback and dressed as a Templar cuts the head off one of their fellow officers.

[–] MikeCzech 15 years ago

"I swear there ain't no heaven and I pray there ain't no hell..."--Laura Nyro

[–] robinboone 15 years ago

1. All old churches have and escape tunnel that brings you under the street where you can kick 4 hoodlums butts and come out to a manhole right in front of your potential FBI/boyfriend/Interest.
2. You can run full speed in stilleto's and cocktail dress while jumping on a cop's horse all while carrying a museum artifact(possibly heavy)that you intend to joust with while not a. getting the dress dirty b. messing up your hair c. getting shot by an NYC cop who has mistaken you for one of the bad guys d. or losing to the bad guy (he had armor on).
3. Hiding from a gun man in an old church with an artifact in your hands between cracks in the stone in a floor is a great idea. That was a classic for me. Looked like she was having problems trying to get out of that place which just happened to be just the right size for her to fit into.

It's not just a spoke in my menstrual cycle, I am normally this way.

www.myspace.com/larinnoel

[–] nasta 15 years ago

1. Probable cause is not needed for FBI to trash doors and search through other people's belongings.

[–] gldrgidr-1 15 years ago

3. Hiding from a gun man in an old church with an artifact in your hands between cracks in the stone in a floor is a great idea. That was a classic for me. Looked like she was having problems trying to get out of that place which just happened to be just the right size for her to fit into.

She was actually hiding in a tomb. There was a skeleton inside there with here.

Too much, too soon, too long, too strong, too many,
to fix.

[–] BritCanuck 15 years ago

New York cops will stand idly by and not even draw their weapons when a person on horseback and dressed as a Templar cuts the head off one of their fellow officers.

And then arrest the wrong person. Utterly, utterly useless.
Thank goodness for Crime Scene Investigators from other networks who come to bail their sorry b##ts out of trouble.

If you're walking in Central Park, you're more likely to see "knights" (and pretty girls) on horseback than muggers.
(Also see "Just Visiting".)

Please let me know if there's some other way we can screw up tonight.
William Shatner, Star Trek 6

[–] marjuhartley 15 years ago

You can create an archaeological dig going back centuries in a day with a couple of shovels.

[–] esagarnaga 15 years ago

More...
1) It is OK to be an archaeologist and grab a very old and valuable antique and use it joust a foe of unknown skills, even though you are dressed to the nights.
1) You can open a 700 years-old container that was under the sea and the paper is as new as it just came from the print shop!
2) You are a scientific archaeologist and you don't care if a 700 year-old document is examined in full-blow wind.
3) You are a scientist but your personal feelings and your own points of view are more important than the rigorous truth, so who cares if a 700 year old historic document is LOST!
4) The only reason to justify the deeply religious sentiment that suddenly overcame you is to have a retrospective narrative that shows that the document is a fake. In that way the spectator can say: Oh, the Templars were the ones who forged the document, so it's OK then to destroy it!
5) It is normal to dig in an archaeological place without the country's authorization and without scientific method even though you have YEARS of experience. What the heck, it's a third-world country, right? after all, after the looting during the recent war in Baghdad... who cares?
6) It is quiet fine to find exactly the way to a buried church because coincidentally, there will be a tunnel that goes directly toward it.
7) The church you are looking for is luckily located in a big cave who held it's shape for hundreds of years, but it will collapse just in time for you to make a perilous escape.
8) You are in a very important historical pursue, but you always can find time for hot steamy sex in middle of the desert with voyeuristic prelates around.

Finally, you can make a picture full of CRAP as long as there is enough DUMB and ignorant audience ready to applaud and watch these idiocratic statements, and if it sides with Christianity and the church, it MUST BE really, really OK!!

[–] roo1313 15 years ago

Don't forget my favorite.

Apparently, in Turkey, volcanic rock and dust turns a beautiful golden-brown after 700 years, not grey or black like the rest of the planet.

[–] enderatac_ 15 years ago

Bodrum : one of the best holiday resorts in the world can be easily shown as a *beep* arabian village with camels and deserts and stuff.why nobody had any intentions googling "Bodrum" that's a Great Matter of Curiosity...

http://images.google.com.tr/images?hl=tr&q=bodrum&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

that's The Real Bodrum Suckers...

[–] vcengen 15 years ago

Hi.

I haven't seen this mini-series yet but there are recent news about it on Turkish TVs and newspapers. The places you watch as Bodrum or Turkey are apparently not in Turkey! :)))

The Turkey image in producers' and/or director's heads seems to be an Arabic image. I saw some screenshots from this mini-series and I couldn't believe my eyes! Bodrum is a desert!!! In fact, Bodrum is one of the most important and famous (maybe the first) touristic places in Turkey. It's on the intersection point of Aegean and Mediterranean Seas with historic sightseeings and never-ending night life.

People don't have to like Turks, I can get it but changing the facts? I really don't get it.

Regards,

Volkan
Istanbul, Turkey

[–] osmankavcar-1 15 years ago

On top of that, Turkey looks nothing like this; with or without the volcanic rocks lol. I spent over 15 years there (more than a dozen locations I must say) and had never seen a camel or desert. Don't get me started on FBI stuff and historically incorrect attitude... Way to spoil the interesting topic like Templars...

[–] ricknot 15 years ago

That even though no federal laws are broken and that a robbery and murder occurs in New York City and no one is crossing state lines and the robbery has nothing to do with the federal government, the FBI has jurisdiction.

[–] BritCanuck 15 years ago

I love this thread.

Please let me know if there's some other way we can screw up tonight.
William Shatner, Star Trek 6

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] efa-3 15 years ago

- a hot chick weighing 90 pounds in stilletos and evening dress riding a cop hourse can joust with a pope-stick and dismount a 200 pound knight in chain mail, all with sole power of her wrist. Needless to say, she wouldn't even flinch.

[–] flatulatte 15 years ago

You can walk out of a hospital room with a cop guarding it and all you have to do is flick your hair over your face to avoid suspicion or even getting by recognised your love interest

as can the man after you who can avoid detection by covering the right side of his face even though the camera is on the left

Hell is other People

[–] tim-wilde-1 15 years ago

My favorite, as mentioned elsewhere, is they use of the astrolab, which is central to the whole story. The plot hole it leaves is just something the whole story can't overcome because it's so ludicrous.

For those not acquainted with astrolabs, or more accurately marine astrolabs, they're navigational devices used to fix on a location via the stars. If you recall, as the ship carrying the three Templar knights is about to founder in the midst of a raging storm and mountainous seas, one of the knights pulls out his little astrolab and sets it so that they can fix the location of the ship for future reference. Only problem is, what's he setting it on? How the hell is he supposed to be able to see anything in that maelstrom, with clouds thundering around him and torrential rain pouring down? Did he have some kind of radio telescope on board to break through the cloud cover and give him the necessary star fixes required for the astrolab? Or did the archangel Gabriel come down and give him a helping hand?

Finding the 'treasure' was based entirely on this joke scene, shown again and again to reinforce how stupid the entire production was.

Among my many other favorites were the numerous ways the heroine blew out of the water virtually every basic tenet of archaeological field practice, as some have already mentioned. The scene at the beginning, where she races through the museum in high heels, steals a horse from the cops, then jousts the heavy-set 'knight' off his horse by defying every law known to humanity regarding kinetic energy, is pretty well hard to beat. It really set the tone for how much the viewer is required to completely and totally suspend belief while watching this ridiculous production.

[–] moif-1 14 years ago

And even if he could see the stars why would a Templar on a sinking ship, in 1290 even bother to fix the sinking ships position? What was he expecting? that the Templar would return with a submarine they'd invented?

[–] silentcinders 15 years ago

Apparently a tree can survive in an underground volcanic cavern for 700 years.