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Things I Learned Watching Against The Dark

posted 15 years ago by StudioLAX
18 replies | jump to latest

1. If you are an old fat man with a sword zombie/vampire/mutants will stand still and let you slice them up.

2. If you are a young fit bird with an extremely short knife zombie/vampire/mutants will move around a little more but still basically stand still and let you slice them up.

3. Until the end of the film when the producer realises not enough people have died.

3. If you are young man that looks like a cheap ass clone of The Rock zombie/vampire/mutants will speedily attack you allowing you to demonstrate your martial arts skills.

4. In order to become zombie/vampire/mutant hunter you must dress from head to toe in black leather and have no personality.

5. The most effective way to kill a zombie/vampire/mutant infected with a highly communicable disease is to let it attack you then kill it with an extremely short bladed weapon spraying infected blood everywhere but you will not get the disease despite the fact that no one is immune.

6. Steven Seagal now makes better zombie/vampire/mutants films than George Romero.

[–] !!!deleted!!! (14789810) 15 years ago

loved number 4

7. When surviving from a deadly outbreak of vampire-zombies, there is no need to carry weapons of any sort. Especially when Steven Seagal can save the day.

8. When ever there is a dark scary hallway, always split up and send a scout.

9. Due to a bunch of random blockades, a hospital can easily become a labyrinth of death with only one exit, running on a generator no less.

10. The military had no other places to bomb that day.

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives."

[–] StudioLAX 15 years ago

10 is very funny and 7 never even occurred to me.

[–] death_jamm_productions 15 years ago

*Talentless British actors cant do an American accent for sh*t

*Telling people your name is Tao will result in a dramatic pause followed by dramatic heavy metal music usually reserved for the trailer of a Michael Bay film

* Seagal likes telling people to do a clear sweep and to do it quickly

*Walking around aimlessly in a hospital full of zombies is a sure way to escape

No Justice Just Us

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] Karl Aksel 15 years ago

18. The elevator won't start working again until someone climbs down the hatch and dies.

19. Oh, and that reminds me: zombies have gills, apparently.

20. ...and water reservoirs at the bottom of elevator shafts are becoming increasingly more common in hospitals these days.

[–] mrbruto 15 years ago

21. Chuck Norris could have done it 10x better with monsters moving at light speed because it's common knowledge that Chuck Norris is 10x faster than the speed of light.

You wouldn't dare!
http://thesentinel.fcpages.com/

[–] helibobber 15 years ago

22. Zombies may be able to 'talk, to plan' and think things out but apparently they can't figure out how to reach though a broken door window and remove a piece of pipe locking the door.

23. Same goes for a big-ass red button to open a garage door!

[–] DemonGate 15 years ago

24. The director's last name is Crudo. The movie is just crud.

25. Hiding behind a taxi is a great way to avoid zombies attacking from all sides.

"I've got a girlfriend. Punch THAT outta me, bitches!" - William H. Macy (Wild Hogs)

[–] alura_5 15 years ago

Also, a secret passage is always available in abandoned buildings infested with zombies. When you get stuck in a room, push the furniture around and you will eventually find the secret escape behind the filing cabinets, because architects plan buildings based on the Resident Evil games.

[–] jrme577 15 years ago

* steven seagal are not here to decide what's right or wrong, he's here to decide who lives and dies

* a grenade can not blow a hold thru the hosipital wall for an escape, u must find the exit!!

* women hunters are just there for look.

[–] stormofwar 15 years ago

Hunters must be accompanied by generic rock after speaking their name.

Katanas look a lot like scimitars.

Civilian survivors of the mutant zombie/vampire holocausts don't need means of self defense like, say, a gun.

[–] TakiRP 15 years ago

- In zombie/vampire/infection movies when dealing with any infected child one must always kneel down in front of said child hold out a hand then turn away to speak with someone standing behind.

- Biting through clothing is a lot easier in the movies than in real life.

- The producers could've saved a fortune in make-up and wardrobe costs if they'd cast Shane MacGowan.

- Steven Seagal can't actually be bothered to appear in his own movies (much) anymore

- Seagal is a better singer then he is an actor these days...

- Seagal movies where he wears a long black leather coat and carries a sword on the cover of the box are no better than the ones where he wears a long black leather coat and carries a gun.

Here do all great sentiments decay: here may only rattle-boned
sensations rattle!

[–] gonepostal72 15 years ago

There's always one guy who thinks getting drugged up in the middle of a vamp/zombie apocalypse is a good idea.

Just when you think Tao is gonna pull out a sword and have a long, exciting, sword fight, He'll surprise you and pull out a shotgun! Game over evil scientist guy!

You can slice vamp zombies all day but still have clean clothes.

Wait til night to clear out vampires when they're awake instead of the daylight when they're sleeping. It's cooler that way.

Military guys can't wait a couple of extra hours to let civilians out of a bombing zone, even though they have plenty of daylight left.

[–] etf-3 15 years ago

Planes and helicopters can shape shift.

[–] johnietoth 14 years ago

when handing someone a fully automatic pistol, just warn them not to use it too quickly but do not give them any more clips for said pistol

[–] MaceGriffin 14 years ago

when segal speaks, he must be in a darkened room where you can only see his eyes in the light (to dub his voice more easily).

every cut from tao's sword leaves a neck wound even if they have been stabbed in the gut.

all female actresses must have their cleavage out even when running from zombies.

one thing your guaranteed from a segal film no matter how bad, a hot chick.

Tarantino is a prat!! and so is bryan singer!!

[–] cawimmer430 13 years ago

-When launching a missile strike, the F-18 Hornet on the ground will magically turn into an F-14 Tomcat once it is airborne. Then, should you take a closer look at the aircraft in flight, it has magically turned into an F-16 Fighting Falcon. Gotta love stock footage...

-When the hunter protecting your sorry a$$ with weapons defend you from a zombie attack, it's a superb idea to run away (without weapons) and try to make it through on your own.

-CW

http://imdb.com/title/tt0105643/
Give it a 1/10

[–] jnorgle 10 years ago

Sorry in advance--there are too many posts for me to keep track.

What I learned:

-Instead of being keen and alert, just dope yourself up and let a "vampire" eff you up sometime

-You look hotter than ever when you're on the run with resources running out or getting stale

-You can be safe someplace for months, and then for some reason, the "vampires" start coming out right when other people are introduced to you. For no real reason

-You will always have a pair of shears with you for your hair

-Men have razors

-If you're going to kill one of Them, one mortal bullet isn't enough. 10 will do.

-Cover the eyes of the kid so she won't be scarred for life by one scene out of 1000.

-Lose all hope when you're in an elevator and the power is going off. Your first stop, lose all hope and get down in sewage.

-Women are kinda weak.

-The point of a world with Them is not to save people, but to eradicate Them.

-If most of the world is infected, assume those you encounter are not infected.