Oh dear ......
Against the Dark
Within the first ten minutes one of the actors says "That smell - it's getting worse", which was exactly what I was thinking about this bunch of old tripe.
Ten minutes? How can you judge a film in ten minutes? Well, quite easily as it happens because from the second the swaggering, overweight geriatric that is Steven Seagal came on screen you could tell this was gonna be a lemon. He and his team of leather clad hunters are on the prowl looking for something to kill.
Seagal is like an old ex-champ boxer. His best days are long gone but he just cannot find the strength to call it a day. I have always been a Seagal fan [believe it or not] his earlier work was exciting and fresh. I used to eagerly await his next movie. Then came that goddamn awful thing about Oil and native Americans involving Michael [I'll do it for the money] Caine.
37 minutes in [God is that all - it feels a LOT longer] and I am totally underwhelmed. The script writer thinks we [the audience] are all morons?
Having just been chased by mutants they escape through a door. One of the actors grabs a chair to wedge against the door and one of the other actors says "Jam it up against the door" - WTF? I think I once saw said actor in an episode of Mastermind - answering questions on the bleedin' obvious!
A few minutes earlier when they see some poor git being dragged into a room, the lead actress says "Back away - SLOWLY - just back away" lol, no *beep* Shelock! Its crappy dialogue just for the sake of something to say, and its annoying me so much that this review might not go on much longer.
Still, at least Seagals on screen time thus far amounts to about 120 seconds in total.
I have a theory as to why. Take the money and run Stevie. Either that or he is so old his full time nurse advised against too much strenuous action. This really is turning into a stinker..........
Another point - the 'hunters' have automatic weapons yet insist on slicing and dicing the mutants rather than shooting them. Nothing thus far has indicated that these mutants are bullet proof? Indeed, out of the dozen or so 'attacks' we have seen the mutants were all dispatched with consumate ease. They just are not menacing or dangerous. Throw them against a wall and they crumple like a Smart car hitting a Hummer.
Some military people have survived the plague and have helecopters and attack aircraft with which they intend to 'sterilise' the area where the hunters are doing their thing. Zzzzzzz
The plot thickens! Some French dude with long hair has kidnapped the totally forgettable Dillon and strapped him to a guerny for his infected daughter Sophia to feast on. So we now have some parrellel 'action' or should that be twice the dross?
Why do the actors keep going to sleep? Who the hell would sleep considering the circumstances they find themselves in? Mind you, I'm fighting to stay awake .....
There is not a single character in this movie that you can empathise with. I found myself wishing they all got chowed down on by the mutants - including Seagal.
I've hit the one hour mark and I've had to remove any and all sharp implements from my vaccinity lest I should do something silly, such is my desperation for this old codswallop to end.
Dillon gets rescued by Seagal who blasts the hippy frog with a shotgun. Dillon promptly runs off to find his useless mates? Hmmm - join back up with your 'walking food' friends or stay with gun tottin' sword weilding killing machine Seagal- nope - I have a better chance with my woosy friends ..... riiiiiight.
Oh Christ on a bike! Now the mutants have been given plot driving dialogue!! Having removed all sharp objects from my immediate area has meant my wrists are covered in black indelable ink where I have desperately been sawing at them with a felt tip pen. Please God - let this end soon.
Seagal and his hunters have saved our group of 'normals' at least half a dozen times now, yet they insist on moving off on their own? Non of it makes any sense. I'd be stuck to Seagal like snot to your finger!! The airfield where the planes are coming from is totally unaffected, not so much as a hint that anything untoward has happened at all?
Mwaaa ha ha ha! One of the hunters is on a clearing mission when he gets attacked by mutants. This is the same guy who earlier chopped up mutants with knives but who now feels the need to empty a full clip into just one? Then, because he just spent all his ammo, now has to knife the remaining ghouls. Now, call me naive, but I don't think a knife makes a metalic 'chinking' sound when it is repeatedly stuck into flesh. Even the foley guy is having a laugh now.
Ooooh! The mutants seem to have developed Matrix like 'walk walking' abilities? The actress playing female hunter No1 has just been grabbed by the mutants [Oooer - that must sting] she never got to utter a single line lol - My brain hurts!
Female hunter No 2 gets bitten so Steven dispataches her with his big chopper - again she never got to say a single word - well, unless you count ... uuuurrrgggh! Why were they even in this film??
I won't spoil the ending for you because there isn't one - the film just stops and the credits roll.
I will never trust anything with Seagals name in it again
1 out of ten - if it hadn't been for my determination to write this review I wouldn't have made it past the first 15 minutes.