'Wow', Part Two

OK.

A few things to get out of the way first.

1) I am the OP of that other thread 'Wow', about the trailer.

2) I'm a screenwriter. Anyone wanting me to prove my credibility by presenting my own writing can (here, because of IMDb's Rules of Decorum, I'm unable to say what I would say elsewhere. But I think you can use your imagination.). If you don't think that me bringing up the fact that I'm not only a moviegoer but also a screenwriter is germane to the discussion, you can (Rinse, repeat ad nauseam, the previous parenthetical).

3) I'm going on the assumption that what ended up on the screen was pretty much what the writers put on the page, what they sold to the producers, what was filmed.

That out of the way, let the well-earned lambasting begin.

Oi-friggin'-vey.

Yesterday, I managed to track down a copy of this 'film'. Last night, I began watching it. I was online at the time; normally I don't multitask when it comes to watching movies, but honestly, I had to watch it in 90-second snatches and grabs...otherwise, I couldn't have watched it at all, it was so utterly, utterly-

I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So there I was online, describing to a friend what the experience was like. And, freed of any confines regarding language usage, I was running the full gamut of expletives. It got to the point where I realized that I should just cut-and-paste what I was telling her as I was viewing the movie, using my live-and-in-person observations here. What they may have lacked in fully-roundedness, they'd have more than made up for with their sincerity.

(I have to make an appointment with my chiropractor for the ache in my neck for shaking my head as much as I was. Not to mention that my jaw was dropped throughout most of the experience.)

As I can't simply insert my swearing-filled critique, I'm going to at least provide some of the more salient (and IMDb-appropriate) observations:

"WTF?!?"

"It is a paean to hamfistedness."

"Utterly without subtlety."

"An insult to men, to women...to just about everyone."

"WTF?!?"

"It's frat-humour on a big budget."

"It's excruciating. Execrable. And other e-words."

"I cannot imagine sitting down and writing this."


Which brings me to one of my prefacing points, that I'm a screenwriter. I understand that Hollywood is a business. And that given the consistent fare that's featured at your local multiplex, 'crap sells'. But seriously?!? This movie...and given Assumption #3 above, that what you see is pretty much what was written...left me near-speechless. Constantly. I'd pause the player...and stare off into space. (With aforementioned dropped-jaw.)

When I sit down to write something, regardless the genre, several elements are at play.
First, that I feel a compulsion to tell a story.
Secondly, that there's some theme or insight or possibility of illumination that I want to create.
And finally, the knowledge that whatever it is that I write (again, regardless of the genre) is an expression of ME.

Given all of these elements, I cannot, no matter how I try, figure out how the writers (please note that this film didn't take just ONE writer's energies...but TWO!!!) could have, with any conscience, have written 'Baby on Board'. (Unless it was a sacrifice to the industry in order to get their careers kick-started...in which case the 'blame' needs to be properly applied to the producers, because this kind of 'greenlighting' is the reason that there is a (and I'm using this word advisedly) plethora of bad films being released, why most of what's out there on any given day is so lacking in just about anything to be admired.)

This is an incredibly bad screenplay (bad dialogue, bad gags, bad theme, bad story, bad plot) that was turned into an incredibly bad film, resulting in an incredibly bad experience for this viewer.

There's lots of talent in 'Baby on Board'.
The production values aren't bad at all.
And there surely was qualified intent involved.
However...

'You can't shine a turd.'

And this screenplay is, let there be no doubt about it, a turd.

P.S. The film is actually a different kind of 'bad' than the trailer...but without a doubt confirmed my initially-related suspicions.